


Bruise

by Crowsnight66



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Abuse, Abusive!Lavi, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Self-Harm, Shounen-ai, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-05-14 14:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 54,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5747941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowsnight66/pseuds/Crowsnight66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen knows that he can't hide the bruises forever, but he can for a while, or at least as long as everyone thinks that Lavi doesn't hit him. But what happens when Kanda starts to notice the weirdness in his Moyashi since he started dating the rabbit? Will he find out what's going on before something life-threatening happens? Yullen, Laven to begin with. Warnings inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Swelling

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING! This story is rated T for the following: cutting, suicidal thoughts/actions, yaoi/shounen-ai/whatever you want to call it, and domestic violence (LOTS). Yullen, but starts out Laven.  
> This is based on the anime, minus all the Neah stuff. Lavi and Allen have been dating for a few months and Allen is convinced that it's his fault that Lavi hits him. Kanda has noticed that the Moyashi hasn't been acting right since they started going out, but he doesn't say anything. Will he find out before something life-threatening happens? Present day AU.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-Man or the characters.  
> Note: This work is already completed on FF.NET, but I'm going to be posting it here as well. I'm hoping for updates every Sunday.

I huddle closer to the back of the train seat, my knees pulled to my chest and my back against the wall, and I try to ignore the surly bluenette in the chair opposite of mine. The mission we were coming back from hadn't gone very well. Not that we didn't get the Innocence, because we did, but I got in Kanda's way a few too many times for his liking. Of course, he hates me anyway, and I know that he doesn't know how much he hurts me when he calls me pathetic and useless. Lavi does it enough as it is.

Turning away from the seat for a moment, I steal a glimpse at Kanda, finding him meditating, and it made me happy. Even though I can't stand working with the jerk, I love going on extensive missions with him, but not because I want to. With Kanda, I don't have to glue a plastic smile to my face and act like I'm not bleeding inside. I don't have to hide behind the happy clown mask.

I don't have to care if I look weak. He doesn't care, and I like it that way.

Sure, Lavi's great, but I act around him, too. If I don't, he'll go off on me about how worthless I am. And he's right. I just don't like to face it, and that's why he hits me. Okay, I won't lie about it being a pain to put make-up on everyday to hide the black eyes and purple blemishes, and I have to wear long-sleeves to cover the other bruises, but it really does knock the sense into me.

The only bad part about it is the sex. The only time I've ever liked it was the first time, when I lost my virginity, because Lavi was gentle with me. He gave me foreplay and prepared me, and everything, so after the initial pain, it felt wonderful.

But after that, it was just him telling me to get on my knees and try not to scream too loud. The pain is nearly unbearable, and he only ever uses my blood as lubricant. I've actually lost count of how many times he's ripped me from the inside out, but all I can do is lay there and power through it, biting my lip until blood dribbles down my chin and mixes with my saliva. After a while though, I got used to it, the bruises on my hips and the inside of my thighs from his knees, and the rips heal in a few days if I don't train.

"Oi, Moyashi! What are you doing?" I hear from the other side of the train compartment. It's not until then that I realize a few silent tears had slipped down my face, and I quickly wipe them away, answering in a cracked voice, "I'm fine, BaKanda. Leave me alone."

After a moment of tranquility, he growls, "Che, weak moron. Can't you even take a few hits without breaking down?"

_Shut up. You know_ nothing _!_

"What should I expect from a moyashi like you though? Crying at the drop of a hat."

_Stop. I've fought it all day. Don't make me do it._

"Why am I always stuck with the weaklings like you? I can't believe you call yourself an exorcist."

_Please, Kanda! Don't make me do it! I'm begging you!_

"Useless half-breed."

Standing from my seat abruptly, I make my way out of the compartment, feeling midnight eyes stabbing knives into my back as I slam the door, and I walk to the bathroom, my trusty Altoids tin in my pocket. The finder that came with Kanda and me had been hit with an akuma bullet sadly, so I didn't have to worry about there being any suspicions. Stepping into the bathroom and locking the door, I slide down to the floor in the little wall area between the toilet and sink, letting the tears come.

_Useless_.

The tin is in my hand, and I open it, pulling back the paper to reveal a shiny razor blade.

_Weak._

I pull my shirt over my head, uncovering the hundreds of tiny cutting scars on my right arm, and I find an empty area just barely, bringing the blade closer to the skin.

_Mistake._

The tip pricks my flesh, crimson beginning to well to the surface.

**_Broken_**.

With a wince, I slice my skin, watching in fascination as the blood oozes from the cut and drips to the floor, and I quickly get toilet paper, pressing it to the wound.

_Why were you even born?_

It takes a moment, but I take out the gauze I keep in my boot and get the cut bandaged, feeling so much better. When I get back to Kanda's and my compartment, the atmosphere is heavy and weighing me down, but I ignore it as I curl up close to the window, watching the barren trees pass by. It was pretty warm for March, but it was still chilly, and the rain shower we'd received didn't help with it any. The sun's peek barely touched the sky above the distant mountain, watercolor yellows and reds streaking through the sky and trying to ward off the coming darkness, and the cobalt blue swam with stars, the claw mark moon in the sky hardly letting off any light as I think of Kanda's eyes. His eyes were the same color, and I hate them just as much, no matter how beautiful.

The night was a cursed time in my mind. It washes over the landscape like it has the right to do so, shadowing everything in its deadly veil of blackness, and it intoxicates one's mind, influencing the nightmares and vulgar creatures that live in the darkness to attack us while we sleep without a care in the world.

Just like Kanda. He walks around like he's of the utmost royalty, piercing anyone that dares to approach him with his deadly glare, the blue so dark it's unnatural, and he enjoys causing others to suffer, but mostly me. Because I'm different. Because I'm breaking, piece by piece. Because I'm weak.

Suddenly, I'm ripped from my thoughts as the train comes to a screeching halt, tossing me face first out of my seat and across the compartment.

Right onto that sadistic jerk.

I'm practically straddling him as the train jerks forward again, and I instinctually grab onto his shoulders and cling to him, waiting for the jolts to pass while I hide my face.

"Get off me, Baka Moyashi!" Kanda shouted, pushing me into the floor, and my butt hits hard, jarring me thoroughly. Glaring at me, he continues angrily, "I'm not going to cuddle you like the Usagi does! I'm not gay."

Smirking, I get back into my seat and smart off, "Really? I wouldn't have been able to tell. That long hair of yours screams that you would be a submissive uke, begging for it on yo―"

Next thing I knew, my collar was in Kanda's clenched fist, and he leans down to my ear, whispering threateningly, "One more word out of your mouth, and I swear I'll punch you so hard you won't be able to move your lips."

Hanging limply in his grip, I mutter, "Like I care."

"What?"

"Do it, Kanda. Hit me," I say, not caring. True, I'd have to cover my face with more foundation, but it's not like it's anything different from what I'm used to. The bluenette pulled back, giving me a confused look as I stare defiantly into his eyes, seeing my own serious expression reflected back at me.

_Cover up with make-up in the mirror. Swear to yourself it's never going to happen again. You cry alone and then he swears he love you!_

Song lyrics calm me in these situations, and as Kanda glared at me, it took a lot of calmness to meet it. Scowling, he growls, "Why do say that?"

"Just another bruise, Kanda. Doesn't matter to me. Now, will you please leave me alone?" I ask, waiting until he lets me go to curl up, and I snuggle closer to the seat, taking my folded exorcist jacket from the other end and splaying it over me. The burning gaze in my back causes me to squirm internally, and I look over my shoulder at the samurai, "Do you need something?"

Turning away, he grumbles, "Che."

Rolling my eyes, I turn back to the velvet backing on my seat, allowing my eyelids to fall slowly.

_Please, don't visit me tonight, Mr. Nightmare._

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Quietly, I inhale my food as Kanda silently slurps his soba, and I try not to look at him. We hadn't spoken at all since yesterday, but I didn't mind. Like I said, the less I had to act, the better, and that was all the time with Kanda.

When we get back to our compartment, I dig through my bag under the seat, searching for my mp3 player, and I nearly let out a victory cry when I finally find the device. That excitement was quickly extinguished when I realized I didn't bring my headphones, and I really didn't have anything else to do in the next five hours before we get to the Order. Holding my entertainment source, I glance at Kanda who was reading what looked to be a decent sized novel, and I ask softly, "Kanda?"

He grunted to let me know he heard me, and I continue, "Would it bother you if I listened to music? I forgot my headphones and…."

"I don't care as long as it's not something stupid," he grumbled, not looking my way even once as I settled on my seat. Flipping through the songs, I get to one of my favorite songs: "Dear Agony" by Breaking Benjamin.

Quietly humming to the rock music, I drift to a land away from here, away from Kanda, away from my abusive boyfriend, and away from my bruises and scars. My mp3 player sings, "Leave me alone. God, let me go. I'm blue and cold. Black sky will burn. Love, pull me down. Hate, lift me up. Just turn around. There's nothing left."

"Do you always listen to such depressing music, Moyashi?" Kanda asked indifferently, turning his page. Closing my eyes, I reply, "It's Allen, and pretty much. I don't really find you as the type to jam out with Lady Gaga and Kesha."

The bluenette turned to me for a moment, seeming to scan my face before turning back to his book, "Why? I thought you were constantly happy."

I laugh at the idea and say, "You're a bigger moron than I thought, BaKanda! No one's ever truly happy without reason. Why do you care anyways?"

"I don't," he deadpanned.

"Then why ask? You generally aren't the person that lets curiosity get the best of him."

"It was a statement."

"The 'why' part wasn't a statement," I continue to harass him. Shutting the book harshly, he glared at me and growled, "Mind your own business, Moyashi."

Annoyance made my eyebrow twitch as I stared back at him, liquid chromium and blazing cobalt mixing hazardously, "You're the one that asked. Tell me why you give a crap and I'll tell you why I listen to depressing music."

"Che," he muttered, reopening the book. Part of me knew that he wouldn't let anything out, mostly due to lack of trust.

Quickly retracing my thoughts, I wonder, _Lack of trust, huh? Interesting_.

I ask, "Kanda, do you trust anyone?"

It takes less than a second for him to reply bluntly, "No."

"So if you were in danger, you don't think Lavi, Lenalee, or I would protect you?"

"Never said I didn't think you would. One, I can take care of myself. Two, I know the three of you are moronic hero complexes. Three, there's a difference between trusting someone and expecting them to rescue you," he explain emotionlessly, his eyes not leaving his book, but it was obvious he wasn't reading.

"Then, what's your definition of trust?" I ask, curiously. Scowling, he growls, "Why do you listen to depressing music?"

Nodding, I say, "Deal. Depressing music cheers me up."

He gives me a look that plainly stated that he was confused, but nonetheless he holds up his end of the bargain, "When you trust someone, you show them your vulnerability, and bond to them."

"You don't trust people, because you think it would make you look weak?"

Smirking, he looks over at me, "Weakness is when the enemy can use something against you. I don't care if people get hurt as long as I don't have to deal with it."

"All the better," I utter, curling up with my music device as it plays "Tears Don't Fall" by Bullet for my Valentine.

A known fact is that takes will to survive. What happens when you have no will? What happens when you cut and every thought before the numbness hits you is "Should I cut a little too deep this time?" or "No one would know that it wasn't an accident if I hide the pill bottle."

What happens when you're bed ridden, because you can't walk? You can't limp around the Order and claim nothing is wrong. You can't forget to put on your make-up one morning and risk people asking about your face being black and purple. You can't let anyone know what's happening.

I can't even talk too much, because Lavi will get mad at me, and he claims that more people listen to me than him. But it helps. I mean, if he didn't do that then someone else that wouldn't tell me might get aggravated with me, and I didn't want that, so it makes sense for him to knock some intelligence into me, even if it leaves a mark.

Part of me says that I should stand up for myself, but that part was microscopic. Come on, if no one comes to my rescue, they must not care, right? Lenalee would try to ignore me if she found out. Kanda wouldn't give a flip, maybe cuss that I'm a moron, but what else is new?

"Never Again" by Nickelback comes on, and I find myself singing along nearly inaudibly, "Just tell the nurse you slipped and fell. It starts to sting as it starts to swell. She looks at you. She wants the truth. It right out there in the waiting room with those hands, looking just as sweet as he can! She's just a woman! Well, never again."

I glance up and meet impossibly dark eyes, and Kanda asks, "When did you start listening to that kind of music? It wasn't before you got to the Order."

Nodding, I answer, "I started when I became numb."


	2. Ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the reviews!  
> WARNING! Hehe, I should start adding everything in the first warning, shouldn't I? This story is rated T for purging/binging also.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own DGM or the characters.

"Finally, Jerry's cooking!" I exclaim as I sit at the table Lenalee and Lavi had claimed. Giggling, the pig-tailed girl says, "I guess you missed it on that month long mission."

"A month long mission with the biggest arse in the world," I correct, grimacing at the thought of the said arse.

"Yu's not that bad! He just has something up his butt," Lavi said, taking a bite of his sandwich. Laughing, Lenalee and I agree in unison, "Exactly."

Suddenly, there's a hand slammed down on the table next to me, my plates jarring at the force as the furious samurai growls, " _I_ have something up my butt? Last time I checked, you're the one that can't do anything but whine and get in people's way."

The cafeteria quiets as he begins shouting at me while I cringe, not looking up at him and hiding behind my hair, "Useless! You know what? I bet that finder would still be alive if you hadn't been slacking so much. Can't you even do your job?! No, you eat so much that you're probably slower than a sloth normally is. Maybe you should think about the mission instead of your next meal more often!"

_Crack!_

"Shut up!" I scream, red blooming on Kanda's cheek from where I had backhanded him. Stepping back, I run out of the cafeteria before he can retaliate and get even, heading to my room. His angry yelling could be head everywhere in the Order, and there were people running and hiding due to it.

People stare at me as I dart through the halls, and a finder even tried to ask me what was wrong, but I ignored him. I didn't care right now anyways.

Tears roll down my face as I slide to the floor, my back pressed to the door, and I huddle up, sobs wracking my body.

_Can't you even do your job?!_

Crying harder, I whisper, "I can! I'm a good exorcist!"

_I bet that finder would still be alive if you hadn't been slacking so much._

"It wasn't my fault! I was surrounded with akuma!" I cry, digging my nails through my shirt and into my arms. Step one to insanity: argue with yourself. Check.

Kanda had a point though. I do eat a lot, and it wouldn't hurt me to stop eating as much. I mean, I couldn't stop eating, because my stomach would annoy him even more, but there was something I heard people did to lose weight. What was it called? Burdging? Pinging? Think….

Purging? I think that was it. Yeah, I could eat as much as I want, but then I just throw it back up. No weird stomach noises or hunger pangs.

I heard there was a finder girl that purged and binged, and no one ever found out until she got help for it. It doesn't give you the super skinniness of anorexia, and if I was careful, no one would know. Heck, no one would care.

Wobbling to the bathroom, I grip the edge of the sink, staring at my hideous reflection. My eyes were red and puffy, the chrome standing out even more, and my foundation was running, the black and blue on my cheeks and around one eye showing through. Why can't I cry in public? This is the reason. First, I draw attention to myself, and then I help by showing everyone my bruises.

I'm quite thankful no one has noticed my change in behavior. When I look at myself, I know that my once crystalline, incandescent eyes now only have a crepuscular luminescence left in them, but it was hardly something a passerby would pay attention to. Right now though, they were utterly and completely rhapsodic, overflowing with despondency and depression. The hair that everyone still sees as pure and snowy was just becoming more appalling every time that I touched it, the locks dirtying, and my shoulders remained slumped when I was alone, not perked like when I pretended to be the effervescent person I once was.

Moving to the toilet behind the wall where the mirror hung and vanity connected, I get down on my knees, staring down into the white bowl, and I bring a hand to my face. Was I really about to do this? Of course, I was.

I didn't want to be a useless exorcist. Maybe someday, I would prove to Kanda that I was just as strong as he was, but that wasn't going to be today. Not tomorrow. It might not before the day I die from an akuma, a Noah, or a razor.

Opening my mouth as far as I can, I shove two of my fingers down my throat and try to force my gag reflex to kick in. It was really uncomfortable, and my jaw ached from being stretched so much. I finally feel my stomach flipping, and I retch into the toilet, my throat contracting disgustingly.

Flushing the toilet, I stand and move to the sink, brushing my teeth twice to rid myself of the rancid taste, and I'm happier, amazingly enough. I mean, I don't feel hungry, just sated, because my body still thinks it's full. Quickly, I wipe away my tears with toilet tissue, and I pump out a little foundation, reapplying it before covering that with powder so it wouldn't slip and slide. Ugh, I feel like such a girl.

My complexion now flawless, I make my way back to my bedroom, flopping down heavily on the bed, and I stare at the ceiling. A smirk spreads across my features as I say, "How's that, Kanda?"

Not a second after the words leave my mouth, the door opens, revealing a furious redhead, and I sit up, scooting back, "Lavi! Um…what are you doing here?"

"Moron! Are you trying to make me look bad?!" he shouts, crossing the space between us quickly, and he grabs me by my shirt before pulling me up from the bed to look at him. Terrified, I shake my head, "N-no, I wa―"

His fist connecting to my jaw stops my excuse, and I fall to the floor hard, a loud thud sounding, but I stay down, knowing that I was supposed to be his object right now. My hair covers my eyes, and he says, "Shut up!"

My back hits the wall as he kicks me roughly in the stomach, my nerves flaring in pain, and I hold back the tears, eyes watering, but I can't do anything. Fighting back wouldn't help. He was just in one of his moods, so it would blow over and he'll get me flowers to make up for it in the morning.

But right now, the hard kicks to my face, chest, and stomach were eliciting yelps and cries from me, and that really didn't help, because Lavi doesn't like me to be loud with anything whether it was when I was being beaten or having sex.

He finally stopped hitting me just to start ranting, "Are you a complete idiot?! Not only did you slap Yu, but now he's mad at me for it! Why can't you be even slightly useful?!"

I cough hoarsely, blood spattering the dark carpet next to all the other crimson stains, and he continues, "What? Can't take a punch? How do you even make it as an exorcist?!"

Silent tears fall down my face, my make-up once again smearing, and I don't move, submissively lying before my boyfriend.

"Get on the bed."

Freezing, I whisper, "Please. I'm sorry, just don't ma―"

"Get on the bed, now!"

More tears roll down my cheeks as I follow the order, and I get on my knees, biting my lip, because I know what's coming.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Sunlight filtered through my window and bathed my room in gold. I was lying on my back, and at the moment, I hadn't moved yet, knowing that I would be in a lot more pain than the tiny prick in my butt. Lavi never sticks around, but he had come back at some point, a vase filled with a dozen white roses sitting on the nightstand with a card. Trying not to irritate my body below my chest, I reach out to grab the card, opening it, and I read it.

_I'm so sorry for my wrongs…_

_Allen, I'm sorry about last night. I was out of hand, and I should never have hit you or forced you into anything you didn't want to do. I love you with everything I am, and it won't happen again._

_Love,_

_Lavi_

Smiling, I look at the cover of the card, beautiful swirls and designs decorating the front, and I put it back beside the vase. This was the first time he'd gotten me white roses. Normally, he'd get me red ones, or yellow from time to time, but never white, and I just loved these.

Finally getting enough courage, I moved one of my legs, crying out in pain instantly. If I had thought I'd made it without ripping, I was dead wrong. The worst part was that I really wanted a shower, or bath since I doubted my ability to stand, because I felt so dirty and disgusting, but that was going to be hard. I wanted to use my razor, too.

Biting my already busted lip to hold back my agonizing howls of pain, I plant both feet on the floor and attempt to stand, emphasis on attempt. As soon as my weight was shifted, I crumpled down to the floor, tears welling from my eyes, and what makes it better is that if this keeps up, I won't be able to do anything today.

I've never been ripped this badly before. It must have been where he tied me down with rope. Gradually, I forced myself up, dragging my body into the bathroom while I held back my screams of agony, and I eventually settle in the tub, panting. Blood ran down my legs from my wounds opening again, but I didn't care as I laid there, breathing hard and inspecting my new bruises.

When I turned on the water through the showerhead, I couldn't do anything but endure the freezing water until it warmed, pelting my skin with the steaming liquid, and I hissed as it stung the rope burns on my wrists and ankles. The pain eased slowly since I wasn't moving my legs, and I scanned what I looked like. Fresh, purple splotches dotted my stomach and chest, and the ones on the insides of my thighs were nearly black, crescents etched into my hips from Lavi's fingernails. The rope burns on my ankles were seeping blood, coloring the water slightly, and I could hardly see the cutting scars on them.

My first month of cutting had been on my ankles, but I quickly ran out of room, pale marks now crisscrossing the flesh, and I had moved to my arms. A while back I'd decided that once I ran out of room there, I'd continue on to my legs, and that time was approaching rapidly.

Sighing, I cup my hands, sloshing water over my stomach after I turn off the water, and I experimentally press my neck, wincing and drawing back. It was now obvious to me that I'd be wearing turtlenecks for the next week, or at least until the bruise fades. Lavi had choked me the last night, but this was the first time it'd left a mark, not that he strangles me that often. Just every now and then.

The razor stayed in the corner of the tub, so I take it, trying to find a spot to cut, but it takes several moments to find one. When I do, the skin was sliced in less than a second, numbness spreading over my nerves instantly.

Unfortunately for me, I couldn't cut as deep as I wanted to, because I was already bleeding from my butt and rope burns, and I dunk the blade under the water to wash it of my blood, setting back in its place.

Lavi knows I cut, but he doesn't care about it, thank goodness. What would Kanda say if he knew?

I shake my head vigorously. Why would I care about Kanda's opinion?

Pouring some soap into my hand, I rub the syrupy liquid across my chest and the rest of my body, hissing when it irritated my burns and cut, but I ignore it, finishing my bath quickly. Now for the hard part.

It takes every bit of self-control I have in me not to scream as I shakily stand, draining the tub, and I make my way to the vanity, snagging a towel to dry off. The mirror screeched at my appearance, trying to hide its eyes, and I can't blame it. My lips were busted in three different places and my jaw was violet, not to mention that the black eye that had been fading looked even worse than it originally had. There were four purple lines on one side of my neck and a thick one on the other, evidence of where Lavi had choked me. Whoever said that it felt amazing to be choked while having an orgasm was a liar.

After patching up my cut, I pull my hair back out of my face and put it in a cropped ponytail, turning on the sink to wet my face a bit more before taking my bottle of Proactive into my hand. For the record, using Proactive step one, which is extremely grainy, on your face while it's covered in bruises is _not_ soothing at all. It feels like someone is pouring saltwater into an open wound.

Lavi told me that he wanted me to have a flawless complexion, so I use Proactive day and night to keep any acne under control. I mean, I didn't have any to begin with, but just in case I use it. My boyfriend expects a lot from me.

Next, I slip on my clothes, pajamas actually since I didn't plan on leaving my room anytime soon, and I crawl into my bed, over all the bloodstains that paint my white sheets. I need to buy a black bed set. Maybe that will make the scarlet less noticeable.

As I curl up in the blankets, I try to find the least painful position to lie in, but after a minute of struggling and tears streaming down my cheeks, I give up and just lie on my side, facing the wall miserably. My stomach growls noisily, the sound reverberating around my room, but I disregard it, trying to go back to sleep. That is, I tried until there was a pounding on my door. Spewing curses, I grumble loudly, "What?"

"Oi, Moyashi!"

Oh, the joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: I'm just going to go die in a hole now. *Begins digging* Sorry about the short, boring, awful, shameful to myself as a writer chapter, but please, Please, PLEASE R/R!?  
> By the way, does anyone know how to get rid of the extra notes from last chapter? I'm so confused!


	3. Concealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are awesome!  
> There isn't a Rhone, Lithuania that I am aware of.  
> Disclaimer: Kanda and Allen would make-out in every episode if I owned DGM, so I guess I don't.

"Oi, Moyashi!"

Oh, the joy.

Groaning, I ask, "Is the door locked?"

Praying it isn't, I wait for a moment, hearing the knob turn, but the door doesn't open.

"Baka, get off your lazy butt and open the door!"

Spitting cuss words, I hold in my screams as I move to the edge of the bed and pant, "Okay, just give me a second."

"I'm a very impatient person," Kanda growled from the other side of the door, and I mentally flip him off, standing painfully and wobbling to the door. This works until I make it to the door, flicking the latch, and I then proceed to fall backwards since my balance was screwy, howling in pain as my body, mostly my rear, is jarred horrendously.

The door opens, revealing an aggravated then confused Kanda, and he asks, "Why are you in the floor?"

"Shut up, BaKanda," I spat, my face nuzzled into the juncture of the floor and wall. "Just what do you want?"

"I'm not talking to your back," he muttered, making my life five times harder as I push myself up, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. Of all the times he had to come, why the morning after the roughest sex I'd ever had?

My turtleneck and sweatpants seemed very constricting as I shakily stood, leaning on the wall for support as I say, "Start talking. It may take a while for me to get to the bed."

I hear Kanda huff before he asks, "Why is that?"

"Not your business. Why are you here?!" I harshly growl, finally becoming irritated with him. He remains silent until I finally make it to the bed, turning away from him as he stood near the door, and then he continues, "I don't like repeating myself. I'm not talking to your back."

Wincing, I flop to my back, glaring at him from across the room, "What?!"

The bluenette immediately looks taken aback when he sees my face, and before he can ask, I smoothly lie, "I was training after dinner last night and took a bad hit from a punching bag."

"Whatever, Komui is sending Lavi, you, and me on a mission in Lithuania," he finally says after a long pause. As soon as I register the information, I internally panic, and I look away from Kanda so he wouldn't notice. No, I couldn't go on a mission with Lavi! What if I did something wrong? I can't be in this shape during a mission!

"Kanda, will you please help me to Komui's office?" I ask quietly, pushing myself up while biting my lip to keep in any pained noises. Scoffing, the samurai says, "And why would I do that?"

Smirking through the pain, I say, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but Lenalee chewed you out for what you said to me yesterday, right? And the reason you're here instead of Lavi is because she was going to make you apologize to me."

"I'd rather blow my brains out before I apologized to you, or anyone for that matter," he deadpanned, crossing his arms.

"I know that, and I don't want your worthless apology. All I need is for you to help me get to Komui's."

"Why can't you walk on your own? A punching bag didn't do it, either."

Rolling my eyes, I say, "You may not be gay, but what do you think happens to an uke the next morning?"

"Ho, I didn't need to know that the rabbit got some last night," he growled. "By help you, what exactly does that mean?"

"It means that you let me lean on you so I won't fall," I explain, standing unsteadily, and I begin to wobble into the bathroom, securing myself on the vanity. Pumping some foundation into my hand, I begin to cover my face, looking into the mirror, and I nearly yelp in surprise when I see two dark eyes watching me through the reflective glass.

"How can sex hurt so much that you can't walk?" he asked indifferently, leaning against the door frame. Finishing my foundation, I turn to him, staring him right in the eyes, "Look, Lavi was a little rough with me last night, and I ripped pretty badly. It _hurts_. I don't expect you to know what it feels like."

Moving back to the mirror, I begin to apply the powder, but after a moment, I add, "It's like tearing a muscle, only worse."

"Che, wimp," Kanda grumbles, but he doesn't leave. In a few minutes, my face looked fine, utterly unblemished, and I look to the scowling bluenette standing in the doorway, "How do you want to do this?"

"I don't want to do it anyways."

"Kanda."

Pulling his hair over his shoulder and turning his back to me, he growls, "Just get on my back."

Hesitantly, I move to him, hooking my arms around his neck, and I can feel his jaw tighten as I jump up with a small cry, his hands grabbing my thighs to support me. When we got into the hall, people were openly staring. Well, that was until they got a death glare from Kanda.

I was shocked that he was even doing this to begin with, but I wasn't complaining or anything. No, I was just surprised.

About halfway to Komui's office, Kanda has to stop and move me higher onto his back where I was sliding down, and I squeak, hiding my face in his neck. He noticeably stiffens before continuing, his muscles clenched as he walks.

When we get to our destination, I simply slide down, wincing as my weight is transferred to my feet momentarily before an arm slips under mine, taking at least half of my weight, and I feel long hair tickling my neck. Kanda opens the door for me, but my happiness is short-lived as he all but throws me onto the couch, leaning against the wall.

The purple-haired scientist was drinking coffee and trying to avoid doing his work, but when he saw me, he went serious. Well, as serious as Komui Lee can get.

"What can I do for you, Allen?" he asks cheerfully, taking a sip of coffee from his bunny cup.

"I was wondering if you could refrain from putting Lavi and I on missions together," I request politely, tilting my head to the side and smiling my 'I'm so innocent, you can't deny me' smile.

Komui nods, "Okay, but I thought the two of you were dating?"

I reply, "We are, and that's the reason why I think that we should be kept separate during missions. I think our relationship could cloud our judgment."

"In that case, you and Kanda will go to Lithuania. There has been a series of odd deaths in the city of Rhone," he said, handing me a briefing. Opening the folder, I repeat, "Odd deaths?"

The scientist explains, "It seems that certain people in the city have dropped dead for no reason."

"What does that mean?"

"There were four deaths. All of them were healthy, teenage girls, and they truly just fell over dead."

Nodding, I ask, "When do we leave?"

"Tomorrow afternoon."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Thank you for helping me, Kanda," I say as he lets go of me in front of my bed. Lying down, I pull the blankets over me, biting my lip in pain.

The samurai doesn't move, just stands there with a hand on his hip, and I mutter, "You look like a model."

As soon as I register what the words sounded like, I blush, but before I could say anything, Kanda smirks, "I know I'm sexy. Thanks for acknowledging it."

"I mean that you look like a priss," I correct, trying to cool my cheeks.

"Of course. You know, people have a tendency to blush when they lie," he says. "You just have on so much make-up that you look even more girly."

Glaring the best I can, I object, "I do not blush when I lie, thank you very much! And which one of us has hair longer than what Lenalee's used to be and unnaturally long eyelashes?"

Raising an eyebrow, he asks, "Why are you looking at my eyelashes? And which one of us can't walk, because they were the uke last night and couldn't take it being a little rough?"

"Can we _please_ stop talking about my sex life?! Unless you're jealous that no girl will go at it with you, girly boy," I say, ignoring his eyelash comment. Kanda smirks and leans down over me until our noses our almost touching, and when he speaks, I can feel his breath on my lips, "Do you really want me to tell you how many girls have moaned my name from under me? Unlike you, I didn't have to get a guy with half a brain like Lavi to do anything with me."

For some reason, I feel jealousy swell inside me when I think about just how many women he's had sex with, and I stare up into his dark eyes. The orbs were filled with different emotions, so many that I couldn't make them out, and my breath caught when I smelt his, soba and mint. No wonder so many girls wanted to screw with him. He really is sexy. A jerk with something up his butt, but he still was probably the sexiest man I've ever seen. The issue with this position though was that I couldn't move my eyes from his icy gaze, and on top of that―ugh, not good wording―I had a boyfriend.

Swallowing thickly, I shrink back slightly and say, "No, thank you. I don't need to know the number of hoes there are around the Order."

"Really? Do you want to call Lenalee a ho to her face?" he smirks, straightening again while gazing in satisfaction at my shocked expression. "And that clumsy exorcist with the time gadget?"

"Miranda?"

"I don't remember the names," Kanda mutters. Smiling innocently, I ask, "So does that make you a man-ho?"

"No. The ho is the one who asks for it. Apparently, you aren't the only one who thinks I look like a model," he says jadedly, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

 _Just how many girls have actually asked him of all people to screw them?_ I wonder, appalled slightly. Closing my eyes, I ask, "So if they're the hoes, what are you?"

"The satisfier," he answers.

"Right, and what do you do to them when you're done?"

"Nothing. I leave the room and don't come back again."

Glancing at him, I say, "That's awful. What if they actually had feelings for you?"

"I don't have feelings, remember? I'm the emotionless jerk," he grumbles. "Why do you care? Jealous that I'm free from the binds of a relationship?"

"No. I think that one day, those words are going to come back and bite you in the arse."

"Dumb Brit."

"Err, stupid Japanist…Japat…Japanese jerk!" I growl, throwing one of my pillows at him and immediately regret it as I scream quietly in pain, biting my lip in misery.

"Baka Moyashi, next time tell the rabbit to take it easy. It won't help if you collapse on the battlefield," he says, tossing the pillow back to me, but I let it rest where it landed propped against the wall next to my hip. Rolling my eyes, I say, "I know."

As an afterthought, I ask, "Why have you stuck around? I doubt it's because you love the sound of my voice."

"It's fun to make fun of you while your comebacks are even more pathetic than normal," he smirks. I don't reply, because somehow in all of this he managed to fit "pathetic" into it. The way he said it though made me think that I didn't get the whole reason, but I ignore it. Hesitantly, I ask, "Kanda, would it be too much to ask that you help me tomorrow to the train like you did today?"

"Yes," he muttered, heading toward the door. When it was open, he says before walking out of my room, "But I'll come back thirty minutes before we're supposed to leave."

Smiling, I say, "Thank you!"

Nodding so I know he heard, he shuts the door behind him as he walks away. Painfully rolling to my side, I face the wall, grabbing the pillow Kanda had thrown back at me, and I hold it close to my chest, the faintest smell of musky autumn woods tickling my nostrils.

Why was Kanda being so nice to me? It wasn't that I was complaining, because I liked him like this. Well, I didn't like that he was questioning why I was hurt, but other than that. I'm nearly certain he knows when I lie, but he doesn't push it. Whether that's because he doesn't care or respects that I don't want him knowing…wait, I'm talking about Kanda, so scratch the last part. He doesn't care.

Maybe one day, Kanda and I will be more than comrades. Not like that, but I think that he would make a good friend. Part of me can imagine him being very protective of the ones he cares about, but right now, he doesn't give a flip about anything other than himself and Mugen. I'm not sure if I'll ever break-up with Lavi, because I don't have any reason to. He loves me, I love him, and that's the end of the story, but if we ever did, I think the person I'd go to would be Kanda. Between now and then I might get some common sense, but even if we hate each other, I trust him more than anyone else in the Order. In the world.

Mana was the only one before Lavi that's ever cared about me, and after several years, I've gotten used to it, but one day, I don't want to be alone. I want to be with someone who will be there for me, and not backhand me if I cry. Granted, a stoic samurai probably isn't the best choice, but it's a start.

_Do you really want me to tell you how many girls have moaned my name from under me?_

Why did that bother me so much? It's not like Kanda's my boyfriend, and I love Lavi anyways, but that just irked me for some reason. It made me feel like I was supposed pull him down and claim him for myself, instead of letting him screw every willing girl in the Order.

Was I…jealous…?

No. Not possible. Allen Walker is not jealous of the hoes that Yu Kanda has had sex with. He can sleep with whoever he wants, and it doesn't bother me at all. Not one bit.

Then why do I feel like I shouldn't have let him walk out the door?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Gosh, Allen's stupid. If you want to tell him that, then please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	4. Dolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: No money, no own.  
> Note: Since I don't curse, chick is my replacement for b*tch.

A knock on the door made me jump slightly. This in turn caused me to wince, because I still hadn't healed completely even though I basically slept all day yesterday and this morning. Continuing to rub Proactive into my skin, I power through the burn and say, "Lavi?"

"Open up, Moyashi!"

Rolling my eyes, I grumble, "It's unlocked."

"I thought you weren't coming until thirty minutes before we needed to leave. An hour early?" I ask, splashing my face with water.

"You haven't been eating," Kanda deadpanned from behind me. Drying my face and starting the second step, I look at the bluenette through the mirror, "How do you know that?"

"Jerry asked me this morning where you had been. He said he hadn't seen you since you ran out of the cafeteria."

 _Why would he ask you and not my boyfriend?_ Pushing the thought away, I glare at him, "And whose fault was that?! Regardless, I couldn't get to the cafeteria in the shape I was, and am, in."

"My point is that I told him that you'd eat lunch, so hurry up," he growled.

"You try being a guy and putting on perfect make-up," I mutter. Rolling his eyes, Kanda stated, "I'm not gay. Why do you even have that?"

Starting on my foundation, I say, "I get bruises sometimes, and I cover them with make-up."

He scoffs, "That's stupid."

"I didn't ask for your opinion."

Instead of replying, he moves back into my bedroom to wait for me, which wasn't long, and I quickly get on his back, squeaking in pain before I end up sneezing from his hair tickling my nose.

"Gross," Kanda growled, beginning to walk towards the cafeteria. "I'm not going to do this through the whole mission."

"I can't help it. It will take over a day to get there anyways, so I'll be okay by then, I think," I say, tiredly resting my chin on his shoulder.

"You think?"

"Well, if we get into a battle with akuma then I can't promise that I won't rip again."

The cafeteria comes into view, and I attempt to hide my face in Kanda's neck when I see Lavi and Lenalee staring at us. Truly, everything is silent as Kanda lets me slide off his back and into a chair, and I can smell the testosterone emanating from my boyfriend as he stands and walks over to me.

"Hey, Babe," he says playfully, tilting my chin up before crashing our lips together. As Lavi pushes his tongue in my mouth, I hear Kanda walk away, and I'm panting and out of breath by the time the redhead breaks away from me.

"That's one heck of a hello," I say, smiling.

"I must surpass expectations. I'm going to get your food, okay?" he doesn't wait for an answer before bolting towards the line. It doesn't take long for me to see him saying something to Kanda, to which the samurai scoffed and said something that really set off Lavi. Glancing at Lenalee, I realize she's watching, too, and I ask, "What do you think they're arguing about?"

She gives me a "you are the biggest moron on Earth" look and replies, "Let's see, you came in on Kanda's back with your face in his neck, and then Lavi kissed you the first chance he got. Oh, did I mention that while he was doing that, he flipped off Kanda? So yes, I wonder what they're arguing about, idiot."

"Hey, I was getting my face sucked off while the bird flew, so don't expect me to know that," I say. "For the record, it's Lavi's fault that Kanda had to give me a ride. I can't walk, because he likes it rough."

Giggling, she says, "Did you feel the testosterone in the air? When Lavi kissed you, you should have seen Kanda's face!"

Tilting my head, I ask, "He's that disgusted by gay people?"

"Never mind," she dismisses as ten plates are set in front of me. Smiling, I say, "Thank you, Lavi!"

"Anything for _my_ boyfriend," the redhead says, pulling up a chair beside me. Kanda sat on my other side, silently beginning to eat his soba, and Lenalee asks, "So where are you going for your mission?"

Finishing my first two plates, I respond, "Rhone, Lithuania. We leave after lunch."

"We?" Lavi asks.

"Kanda and I were assigned to it. We shouldn't be gone too long, two weeks absolute maximum," I say cheerfully, not understanding why Lavi's expression darkened quite noticeably.

In about fifteen minutes, I had finished eating, and I took my own plates, knowing I had to power through the pain and start walking normally. It took longer than it should have, but when I got back, Lavi and Kanda were gone, and Lenalee said that they went to talk somewhere. That leads to now as I stand behind the door of the training room, watching through the crack in the door.

Lavi had Kanda pinned to the wall, forearm pressed to his throat, but I knew that the bluenette was letting him do that, because really, Lavi was not even close to stronger than Kanda. Trying to remain silent, I listen as Lavi hisses, "If I hear that _anything_ goes on between you and Allen, I swear I will make you wish you were dead!"

A smirk spread across Kanda's face as he growled, "And if I get another feeling that…."

 _That what?!_ I scream in my head as the samurai lowers his voice so I can't hear, but I do know that whatever he said, it sure set off the redhead. Kanda grabbed Lavi's fist as my boyfriend threw it, twisting it into an unnatural angle before the bluenette kicked him in the side, sending the rabbit sliding across the training room until he hit the wall with a _thump_.

That's it! Bursting from where I had been hiding, I run to my boyfriend lightning fast, squeaking in pain the whole time, and I drop down on my knees beside him, holding his face in my hands, "Lavi?! Are you okay?!"

"M-moyashi? When did yo―"

"Shut up!" I scream, my voice bouncing off the walls around me as I glare at Kanda from across the room. Turning back to my boyfriend, I see his eyes open slowly and then widen as he sees me, "Allen? When did you get here?"

"Lenalee told me that you guys had gone to talk, so I came looking and I hid behind the door. Are you alright? Did Kanda hurt you very badly?" I inquire, lifting his shirt to inspect the area he'd been struck. Gently pushing me away, Lavi shakes his head, "I'm fine. Really."

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

"I can walk on my own," I mutter, pushing past Kanda as he tries to get me to climb onto his back. The issue was that my voice was seriously pained, so despite my attempts, walking through the train station was extremely painful.

"You're a moron," he grumbled, beginning to walk towards our platform at a normal speed, and it takes less than ten seconds for him to be several yards away, because it hurt so much for me to walk. Noticing this, Kanda stopped walking, waiting for me to catch up before tripping my knees with his arm, and he lifts me bridal-style, smirking as I yelp in surprise and cling to his chest. Hiding my face in his exorcist uniform from embarrassment, I say, "Put me down, Kanda!"

Huffing, he growls, "You're slowing me down, and if you really have an issue, then you can always kick and scream."

Despite this, I continue to let him carry me. The humiliation was just awful! I mean, seriously? I'm sixteen and an eighteen-year-old hunk can carry me. Then I realize that I just called Kanda a hunk and I squeak, flushing strawberry in his uniform, but by definition, I really had just thought that Kanda is a "sexually attractive man". Risking looking up, I steal a peek at the bluenette's face.

Of course, the ever-present frown is on his face, but other than that, he truly was a hot guy. He had chiseled features, full lips, and the darkest eyes I've ever seen, long lashes flaring out from the sides, and his beautiful hair framed his face. People may call him a girl, but there was no way, not even from looking at him from behind, because of his muscles. I could feel said muscles flexing under my back and knees, but my face was still nuzzled into his uniform around where his collarbone was, my arms locked around his neck and hands clasped on his other shoulder.

I'm _not_ enjoying this! No matter how hot my cheeks were and how much I internally shivered whenever his hair brushed my skin, I wasn't happy about him carrying me!

Two minutes later, I'm sitting across from Kanda in our compartment, watching out the window with my knees held to my chest. Looking up from his book, the samurai mutters, "You can't just stop talking to me all together."

"Yes, I can," I say bluntly. "You kicked my boyfriend in the ribs. I can do whatever I dang well please."

"How long were you behind the door?"

Staring at the rain pounding on the window, I don't reply, and he continues, "You saw him throw the first punch."

Nodding, I say, "And you caught it. That didn't mean you had to kick him."

"Is your vision screwed up? Last time I checked I was Yu Kanda: the heartless jerk. At what point did you start thinking that I was going to let the Usagi try to punch me and then let him walk away unscathed?" Kanda growled, his eyes boring into the side of my head.

"I know that you're like that, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. Stop staring at me," I say, turning my agitated gaze to him. The cobalt blue seemed to darken when it met liquid platinum, an unwinnable battle breaking out before he finally looked away. As I took my mp3 out and started flipping through the songs, he said nearly inaudibly, "Your eyes are different."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask casually, turning on "Misery Loves My Company" by Three Days Grace.

He doesn't reply, glancing down at the book in his lap, and I just ignore him. It's not like I really cared about what he thought anyways.

Quietly, I sing along to the rock music, "I don't need your condescending words about me looking lonely. I don't need your arms to hold me, because misery is waiting on me.

"I am not alone. Not beaten down just yet. Well, I am not afraid of the voices in my head. Down the darkest road something follows me. I am not alone, because misery loves my company!"

Again, I can feel a cold gaze in the side of my head, and I sigh, looking over at him, "Seriously, why do you keep staring at me?"

"Because some of your make-up came off, moron," he finally growled, glaring at me. Raising my hood up immediately, I rummage through my bag under the seat, pulling out my foundation, powder, Proactive, toothbrush, and toothpaste. He gives me an odd look at the last two items, and I say, "I'm just going to sleep the whole way."

"Can't stand the pain, weakling?" Kanda smirked.

"Yeah, is that a problem? You don't know what it feels like to be ripped, so you can't say anything."

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

I found that it was much easier to purge after the first time, because my throat isn't as tight when I pushed my fingers in, and that helped a lot. It was quicker, too, since my gag reflex kicked in faster.

"Here, look at this," Kanda said, handing me a file. Confusedly, I take the folder and open it, finding four pictures of teenage girls around my age. Pausing my music, I glance between him and the pictures, "Are these the victims?"

Nodding, he says, "I've been reading through it to see if there's a pattern, but other than the age, gender, and that they're healthy, I can't find one. Innocence killed them for a reason."

"It might be a disease, you never know."

"Just tell me if you see something."

Rolling my eyes, I hand the file back to him, "They're dolls."

"Dolls?" Kanda echoes, looking back at the photos. "How do you figure that? They don't look like Lala."

"I don't mean that they are physically dolls."

"Shut up and tell me what you mean!" he growls exasperatedly, reclining back in his seat. After kicking my jacket off my body, I sit beside him nonchalantly, leaning against him as I point at the pictures, "Pay attention to the appearance. Bottle blonde hair, no acne whatsoever, natural-looking make-up, and big chests. They're practically models, making them dolls."

"Hm, you prove useful for once. So what, the Innocence is targeting girls that look hot?"

I shoulder butt him playfully and say, "Shut up. There's a difference between being hot and being a priss."

"What does that mean?" he asked, glancing over at me, and even though he was trying to contain it, I could tell I'd perked his interest.

"Ever heard about appearances relating to personalities? Girls with thin lips are supposed to be chicks," I explain, pointing to each of the girls' mouths, and without a doubt all of them had thin lips. Well, one girl had full lips, but they looked so unnatural that it had to have been surgery.

"And they all have the same tattoo," I add, poking the images. Each girl had what seemed to be part of a butterfly wing on the left sides of their necks. Nodding, Kanda asks, "How do you notice this stuff? Are you a closet therapist?"

Blushing, I quickly go back to my seat, "No. If I was, I'd have already tried to fix you."

"Fix me?" he repeated skeptically.

"Your jerkishness should be considered a disease," I grumble. Smirking, he says, "I take that as a compliment."

Ignoring the comment, I say, "To answer your question, I read body language very well, and appearances go along with that."

"Why did you start that?"

Smiling innocently, I say, "Well, it helped to know when I was being believed or not when I was gambling. In order to become fake, you have to recognize the other fakes around you."

The way Kanda looked at me told me clearly that he could sense a deeper meaning to the statement, but he remains silent, switching the file for his book. Turning my music back on, I find it on "Pretty Handsome Awkward" by The Used, "Hey, are you okay? You look pretty low, pretty handsome awkward. Do you feel okay? You look pretty low, pretty handsome awkward."

A small thumping to the beat causes me to glance around the train compartment, finding the source to be Kanda's foot hitting the back of his seat, and I smile, "I didn't think you liked music."

"Most gets on my nerves―"

"Like everything else," I interject. Scowling at me, he continues, "But I do like hard rock like that."

Never in a million years did I think that at some point, I would actually be having a decent conversation with Kanda, but I'm not complaining. For some reason, I feel wanted in his presence. It's not that he seems happy about me being here, but I don't feel like I'm a burden, even if I wouldn't care if he thought that anyways. Part of me wanted this to be normal, to be what I could expect everyday when I wake up, and I liked it. I liked feeling as if I was worth something, not just an object.

_In order to become fake, you have to recognize the other fakes around you._

I really hope that doesn't Kanda realizes just how fake I am, because really, no one truly knows who I am.

No one knows the person behind the mask of a clown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: I feel like this chapter was a rollercoaster, except it started at the top, and then got boring. Anyway, I think that the mission will be interesting. Show of hands who wants some fluff in the next few chapters? Thus, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	5. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: If I owned DGM, Komui and Reever would be a couple, so guess what?

"I'm so tired!" I exclaim, falling back onto the king-sized bed. Digging through his suitcase, Kanda gathered a few things before moving to the bathroom, "Then sleep, Baka Moyashi. I'm taking a shower."

With that, he shuts the door, and I'm left in the dim lighting, reminding him that my name is Allen, and a full moon casting a pale blue haze over the landscape.

Okay, now I shall explain the bed situation. We got off the train around noon and have been walking around the town until now, around ten at night, because the Order isn't sending a finder and we had no reservation. Every inn was booked, so the only room we could get was a fancy king-size room, which if I'm not mistaken, is used for honeymoons. Can someone drop the awkward brick on my head soon?

The room was mostly just a square. From the door, there's a small table and mini fridge on the right wall, balcony on the far wall with a dresser on its right in the corner, and the bed was on the left, a nightstand on each side. The bathroom door was on the right side of the bed.

The only lighting in the room other than the moon was the two lamps the connected to the wall on either side of the bed, and it was pretty dim.

Getting under the blankets, I claim the side close to the balcony as mine, turning on my music device since even though I was tired, my eyes felt lively and awake.

"That night he caged her, bruised and broke her, he struggled closer. Then he stole her! Violet wrists and then her ankles. Silent pain. Then he slowly saw their nightmares. Were his dreams.

"Monster, how should I feel? Creatures lie here, looking through the window. Time will hear their voices! I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets.

"Monster, how should I feel? Turn the sheets down! Murder ears with pillow lace. There's bathtubs full of glow flies. Bathe in kerosene! Their words tattooed in his veins!"

As the song finished, the bathroom door opened, revealing a slightly wet Kanda.

In only a towel.

He had one around his waist and another he was rubbing his hair with to dry it, and he moved to his suitcase on the dresser, his back to me.

_Why can't that stupid towel fall off?!_

Blushing furiously, I squeak in embarrassment and pull the blankets over my face to hide it, but this must have caught Kanda's attention, because he asked, "Are you having some sort of epiphany?"

"Yes!" I yell through the blankets before I realize that the said epiphany is that I, Allen Walker, just realized that I wanted to see Yu Kanda naked.

No, this was not happening. Ignore it, Allen, and it will go away. Turning off my mp3 player and laying it on the nightstand, I bury my face in my pillow and mumble, "I'm going to sleep."

The lights go out and the mattress sinks on the opposite end, causing me to panic momentarily as I feel Kanda's heat emanating from his body. I'm not sure if it was mutual or not, but I felt really awkward right now, and I had this weird sense of needing to be closer to him. Yeah, that would help _so_ much.

"K-Kanda?" I ask quietly, peeking up from my pillow to find his eyes on me. Seeming indifferent, he growled, "The more you talk about it, the more awkward it gets. Just go to sleep, Baka Moyashi."

Whacking him with my pillow, I correct, "It's Allen, BaKanda! Or is your brain too slow to process that?"

"I'm going to sleep, so shut up before I hit you," he grumbled, closing his dark eyes, and I immediately quieted at the threat. I mean, I know that he probably didn't mean it, but my bruises still hurt, and my rip only just healed. I don't need any more coloring.

The way we were laying now made me feel safe. My back was to the balcony and I could see Kanda's face, though I noticed that it seemed more lax than normal. He looked so much calmer and more relaxed, his frown not taking away from his beauty for once, and his lashes gently rested on his high cheekbones.

Suddenly, cobalt eyes opened, and the heat in the depths was unmistakable as he growled, "Stop staring at me. It's seriously creepy. It's bad enough that I have to share a bed with a gay guy and you watching me isn't helping."

Looking sideways at the bed since I was on my side, I mutter, "Sorry."

"Why were you staring then?"

"I don't have to answer to you," I say, closing my eyes and curling up in a ball, and for some reason, the sense of security I had vanished. Maybe it's that I feel like Kanda's mad now. Maybe I'm just feeling worthless again, but what else is new?

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

I bolt up from my sleep, breathing hard and tears streaking my face. After making sure Kanda was asleep, I get in the fetal position, my pillow between my thighs and my face, and I cry into the white cushion. Nightmares loved me so much. Somehow, I had managed to stay away from them the last couple nights, but then, they just came back full-force.

" _Why can't you do anything right?! You should be put to death for your stupidity!"_

Quietly, I cry into the pillow, "I'm not stupid!"

_Tears fall from my eyes as Lavi pins me to the bed like he had some many times before, "Please! I don't want to do it!"_

" _Too bad. I own you, and you are my toy, so shut up and try not to let anyone hear you."_

_I scream at the top of my lungs as pain shoots up my spine before Lavi gags me, preventing me from crying out for help._

"Moyashi, why are you crying? Did you stub your toe?" a voice says mockingly from beside me.

Wiping away my tears when I realize Kanda was awake, I compose myself as best as I can before saying, "How exactly am I supposed to do that?"

"Knowing you, you'd find a way. You never give up as annoying as it is at times," he replies emotionlessly, but even so, I feel my heart lighten. Did I really just get a compliment from Kanda? It felt too good to be true.

"Anyway, answer the first question."

My spirit sank right back down to the pit of my stomach, and I looked toward the window, "No reason."

Suddenly, I'm flat on the bed, Kanda looming over me, and I feel the fear spark inside me. I couldn't get away. My voice wouldn't work. What if he does something like Lavi does? More tears leak from my eyes at the thought, and I let myself become limp. Moving so he could look straight down at me, the bluenette growled, "I've been awake since you started thrashing around and begging your pillow 'not to do it', whatever the heck that means."

"It was just a nightmare. I'm fine," I whisper, waiting until he had moved back to his side of the bed to let myself break down again. At this point, I didn't care what Kanda thought of me, and I figured he'd start yelling at me as I started to tremble in fear. No, he did something that made me freeze in shock.

Reaching out a hand, he began stroking my hair comfortingly, his palm rubbing against my jaw, and I couldn't help but scoot a little closer to him. This was the softest anyone has ever touched me, and it felt good.

It felt right.

A thumb grazed my eye, wiping away a stray tear before I felt what sounded like a tiny purr escape my lips, because I was just so happy. The nightmare was forgotten. The moon's beams highlighted Kanda's face in such a beautiful way, and my eyes widened as I saw his lips curved up in a smile. Not a smirk, but a real smile. It was tiny, almost nonexistent, but it was something that I never thought I'd ever witness. Heck, I thought it would never happen.

As quick as I had seen it, the smile morphed into its usual frown, and I felt my joy lessen a bit, but I really became disappointed when Kanda pulled away completely. Not wanting the contact to end, I grab his hand and pull it back to my chest, holding it there, and I give him a pleading look, more tears beginning to well in my eyes, "Please?"

Instead of replying, the bluenette closes his eyes, his hand gripping one of mine, and I smile genuinely for the first time in a long time. Nearly inaudibly, I whisper, "Thank you, Kanda."

His grip tightened momentarily so that I knew he heard me, and I fell back to sleep, holding his hand and listening to his steady breathing.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

When I wake up, I'm holding my pillow instead of Kanda's hand, and I bolt up, glancing around. I quickly found the samurai on the balcony, probably meditating, and I stand up unsteadily.

We eat breakfast in the lobby of our inn. Hey, there's nothing better than a free breakfast!

Especially when I'm just going to throw it back up.

"I look like crap," I tell my reflection after I brush my teeth a few times. I've used a lot more toothpaste the last couple days, and I must say that it's worth it. Knowing that I'm losing weight makes me happy, and I feel like I'm becoming a better exorcist.

After I cut, take a shower, and get dressed, I begin putting on my make-up, and I'm nearly done covering the bruise on my jaw when I hear a knock on the door.

"Come in!" I say, trying to finish quickly. Kanda walked in casually, but then stopped, looking at my frantic strokes over my jaw, and he says, "I've seen it before, Baka."

Sighing and slowing my pace, I mutter, "I know. It's just that Lavi never likes to see them."

"Do I look like that Baka Usagi to you?" he growls. I don't reply and begin on my powder when he says, "You said that like he sees them a lot."

It took every ounce of self-control I had not to freeze when he said that, but I nonchalantly reply, "I get bruises a lot. Training with demonic punching bags that like to punch back, sparing with long-haired jerks, and missions can do that to you. As I said, no one sees them since I cover them."

"You cover them just because Lavi doesn't like them."

"No, I did it before then." _As in, before he made the comment about them. I started covering them the first time he ever hit me._ Of course, I don't say that and just continue, "What do you need?"

Staring at me through the mirror, Kanda says, "I asked a few people in the inn about the murders while you were in the shower. Apparently those tattoos you mentioned could have something to do with it. There are ten girls that have them and they all hang out together."

"A clique?"

"Yeah, and they were really religious. They would go to this shrine a pray every afternoon."

"Where is it at?" I ask, finishing my makeup and heading toward the door after I grab my jacket. Pointing towards the forest at the edge of the town, Kanda says, "Somewhere in that next to a river."

Beginning to walk in that direction, I say, "That's not much to go on."

"I'm not the one that decided to take an hour long shower instead of looking for leads. I at least got us somewhere," he growled. It didn't take long for us to make it to the forest, and I was super glad that my rip had healed with the number of boulders and roots we had to go over.

Kanda and I walked for another hour, still no sign of a river, and I sat down on a rock that jutted out from a steep bank. Rolling his eyes, the samurai says, "This is not the time for a break. We need to find that shrine."

"Shut up, BaKanda! I know that, but we need some sort of strategy for finding it…" I trail off, looking straight up at the oak tree towering over us. His eyes followed my gaze, and he muttered, "The tree isn't the answer."

Glaring at him, I say, "Either find a better idea or shut it!"

"Better idea?"

Leaping up the bank in a few strides, I eye the thick vines dangling from the branches and coiling around the trunk of the oak, and I ask, "You knew I was in the circus, right?"

"No, but I knew you were a clown at heart," he mocked.

My face darkened as I looked at him, "My father was a clown, so don't smart off about it. Got that?"

He doesn't say anything, but I'm pretty sure he has enough of a brain to know that Mana isn't a line to be crossed.

Taking a few steps back, I launch myself across the empty space between me and the tree, clutching the vines in a death grip as I swung carefully, and I grab a few on the oak, using them as a ladder until I get to a fat branch. Standing on it and holding one above me for support, I lean back and realize that I could have just used Crown Clown. Oh well! The good side was Kanda was staring at me like I had just been resurrected, and it felt good to show off for once. Smirking, I call down to the samurai forty feet below me, "How's that? You wanna try it?"

"I choose not to break my neck," he growls, and I stick my tongue out at him childishly before I start going up. Tiny branches scraped my skin and the abrasive bark made my hands feel raw, but I kept going until I could see the horizon through the glossy leaves. The sky was a pale blue, fluffy marshmallows floating leisurely through the air, and I stared in awe.

For the most part, all I could see was greenery, but not too far away I could make out some rocks and what seemed to be a small waterfall. Great, I found it! Or at least water of some kind.

"What did you find?" Kanda asked as I slid down a vine, hopping down next to him lightly. Pointing towards where I saw the waterfall, I say, "I'm not sure if it will lead us to the shrine, but I saw a waterfall about a half-mile away."

Nodding, he begins walking towards the destination, and I follow about a foot behind him. We hadn't mentioned last night at all, and it was starting to gnaw at me. What if he tells Lavi and the redhead thinks I'm cheating? Shivering at the thought, I quickly catch up to the samurai and ask, "Kanda?"

"Che," he grumbled, though I assume it was his version of "what". Pulling my sleeves down nervously, I continue, "About last night…I, uh―"

"Just forget about it," he said bluntly, not glancing away from the trail ahead of him.

"Forget about it?" I echo, looking to him before I got thwacked by a branch. This was followed by a very well placed root that decided to stick up a little, not much, but enough to make me trip and face plant in a small bush, and I yelp, struggling to free myself from the creeping vines and bracken that was hiding me. Letting out an exasperated sigh, I give up with roots twisted over my arms and legs and large fern fronds covering me, green littering my vision, but I didn't need my sight to know that Kanda was smirking as he said, "Baka Moyashi, are you trying to catch a mouse, because I think it got away."

"Shut up! Just get me out!" I whine, hearing the crunch of undergrowth beneath Kanda's boots. The ferns are parted to reveal the bluenette, and as he began pulling at my restraints, he grunts, "How did you manage to get caught in this?"

Whimpering quietly, I say, "The heck if I know. Everything hates me."

Kanda stopped and looked at me, his eyes telling me that I worded that awfully, and I needed to cover it up. Smiling, I correct, "You know, the plants and stuff. Not people."

Not replying, he finally gets me free from the vines, and I gratefully take his outstretched hand. When he tried to pull back however, I keep his hand in both of mine, holding it to my chest, and I say, "You would never have offered help to me, or anyone for the matter, a couple months ago. What's different?"

"What was your nightmare about?"

Freezing, I look down at the ground and let go of his hand, but it quickly returns with the other, gently pushing me back until my back was against a tree. Kanda uses a hand to tilt my chin up, and our gazes meet as he says, "If you tell me what your nightmare was about, I'll tell you what's changed."

"I…um…" I trail off, pierced by his dark eyes, and I suddenly feel trapped, like I can't escape. The feeling of safety I had had with Kanda last night vanished as he held me to the tree, hands on each side of my shoulders, and I internally panicked, fighting the urge to scream for help. Cobalt eyes widened while tears bubbled from my eyes, and I could clearly see my fear reflected back at me in the midnight orbs.

_Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. He's not trying to freak you out. He's not trying to freak you out. In. Out._

"Are you bipolar or something?" he muttered, backing away from me quickly, and I let myself fall to my knees, trying not to hyperventilate. Why can't I keep it together? Why can't I trust someone that truly saved me from having more nightmares last night?

Why can I never feel safe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Hm, this was a long chapter, and I didn't even get to where I wanted to be at. Actually, you guys just got saved from a cliffhanger, too. I love to torture my viewers! Anyways, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	6. Nala

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a new segment! It's called "If I Owned D. Gray-Man…"  
> If I owned DGM, I would force FUNimation to do the second season in English, and continue the anime. (But they are continuing this summer! Rejoice!)  
> Note: Keade is pronounced Kiy-day.

"Moyashi―"

"It's Allen!" I cry in aggravation, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my forehead on them. "Just…just go on without me. I'll be fine."

My sobbing over something so little was pathetic, and I'll be the first to admit it. That's why I didn't want Kanda seeing me like this considering he thought I was a weakling anyways. It's also why his next statement shocked me so much, "No."

Looking up through my tears, I ask, "What?"

"Are you deaf? I said 'no'," he repeated, kneeling down next to me. Happiness swelled inside my chest, giving me a fluttery feeling, and I was about to smile when―

"Do you know what a pain it would be if you got stuck out here and I had to come rescue you?"

"Then leave me and I'll be fine! I don't need you to watch after me like some useless child!" I yell, pushing his chest hard enough to knock him off balance, but he quickly steadies himself with the tree I was against. Tears flowing strong, I bury my face in my knees and arms, spitting words of self-hatred in an inaudible voice. For Kanda that is.

I feel a hand rest on my shoulder lightly, and I quickly jerk away out of habit, muttering, "Don't touch me."

"Then stop crying," he whispered next to my ear. He was so close to me right now that I could feel his chest pressing against my shoulder, and his hand slithered over my stomach to my other hip. Even with the fear I had in me, I still let myself lean into him as he lightly brought me closer to him, and I felt more tears break free as I nuzzle into his chest, clutching his exorcist uniform.

And he asked why _I_ was acting bipolar? Let's see here, first he went off on me in the cafeteria. Then he carries me around and holds my hand through the night after my stupid nightmare. This is followed by him telling me to forget about it the next day, and now he's holding me in his arms while I cry. I'm sorry, who's bipolar?!

But I didn't mind. Lavi's never held me while I cried, because he was too busy hitting me, and right now, I felt like Kanda should punch me to stop my pathetic whining. Pushing myself closer to the bluenette, I pull my hood up over my head to hide myself though I'm not sure exactly what I was hiding from, but I felt too exposed like this. Granted, I'd rather be like this, sitting in Kanda's lap as he leans against the tree, than with him over me. I mean, I don't necessarily feel safe like this, but it's a heck of a lot better than feeling trapped and caged.

"I still don't understand why you're crying. Was the nightmare really that bad?" Kanda asks quietly, his hand drawing intricate designs in my back. Nodding, I utter, "It was awful, but that's not the main reason I'm crying."

"Then what is?"

Should I tell him he was the problem? Would he push me off of his lap and start yelling if I did?

 _He's not Lavi, Allen_.

Even so, at least Lavi loves me. Kanda doesn't give a flip.

Then why am I so terrified that he'll leave? Nearly inaudibly, I say, "I don't like feeling trapped."

I feel his hand on my back stop moving, and I try to move even closer to him, burying my face in his chest and my hands fisted in his jacket.

"Please, don't go, Kanda. Please!" I whimper miserably, my voice muffled by his fabric. His grip around me tightened, enticing me to relax in his arms, and I let out a satisfied purr through my sniffling, my tears beginning to dry as Kanda murmurs, "I'm not going anywhere."

 _I've been abandoned too many times_ , I thought, mumbling my gratefulness to the samurai.

We lay there for a good half-hour in silence before Kanda said that we needed to get to the shrine.

"Kanda?" I ask, walking a bit slower than he was so he was a few feet in front of me. My back still burned from where he had touched me, and I could still smell the musky aroma of autumn woods, loving it.

"What is it?" he asked, stopping, but not turning around. Quickly, I jog up to his side and step in front of him, looking down submissively as I ask, "Are you going to tell Lavi…about…you know…?"

"Why would I?"

"Well, I mean…you―"

"You really think that I want everyone to know that I held a pathetic moyashi while he cried like a two-year-old?"

The way he said it made it seem like he meant it exactly the way it sounded, but that couldn't be right. He couldn't mean that if he really did just hold me while I broke down and then some. I wasn't even crying the last twenty minutes! And that's what I told him.

Scowling, Kanda growled, "You weren't letting go of my jacket anytime soon! Let me put it this way: if you tell anyone about that, I'll make sure that the rabbit hears about it with a little extra."

"Extra?" I whimper, not understanding. Nodding, he takes a step closer and leans down to my ear, "That you came on to me, and tried to kiss me a few times, but when that didn't work, you started taking your clothes off."

"But I didn't! You liar!"

Pushing past me, he deadpans, "Just don't tell anyone and Lavi won't think you cheated."

Silently, I begin to follow him again, images of what had happened the last time my boyfriend thought I'd cheated.

It had been awful. Like many times before, I was going to spare with Kanda, but he was on a mission and I asked Lenalee instead. When Lavi found out about it, he accused me of sleeping with the pigtailed girl since I didn't ask him first. Needless to say, it was one of the worst beatings I had ever gotten, and I did _not_ want to repeat the experience.

A stray tear fell from my chin as I continued to walk, not making a noise to indicate that I was crying, and Kanda just kept walking a few feet ahead of me.

It took about forty-five more minutes for us to reach the waterfall, and though beautiful, I didn't take more than a couple quick glimpses at it. The sun was past straight overhead, and I figured it was probably around two in the afternoon. Unfortunately, Kanda noticed this as we followed the river and asked me, "Why aren't you hungry?"

"Big breakfast and I haven't been fighting," I indifferently say, hoping he'll drop it. Nope, not with my luck.

"That doesn't matter to your stomach."

Trudging past the bluenette, I finally growl, "Kanda, either care or stop! I liked it better when you only hated me instead of jumping back and forth over the fence of caring and not giving a flip!"

Silence fell over the two of us, the only sound being the bubbling of the river, and after a while, I saw what looked to me like a shrine. It was simple and small with two statues of foxes on either side, and I glanced around.

Walking to the shrine from the other direction was a girl with black, waist length hair hanging free, and she had green eyes. From behind me, I hear the sound of metal sliding against its sheath, and I turn around, finding Kanda slowly drawing Mugen. The urge to whack him was strong, but I settle for hissing, "She's not an akuma!"

He still continues to hold the katana's hilt in a death grip, even after he sheaths it, and I roll my eyes, turning back to the girl. She was wearing a black turtleneck, jeans, and ebony boots, and I couldn't help but notice her thumbs through holes in her shirt.

"Excuse me?" I ask, slowly walking to the girl as she stands in front of the shrine. When she looks at me, I see dullness in her eyes, even though the rest of her was smiling and chipper, and I say, "I'm Allen, and the guy behind me is Kanda. May I ask why you're here?"

Smiling, she says, "Nice to meet you! My name is Nala. I visit this shrine everyday to pray."

"Are you part of the group of girls that's getting murdered?" Kanda asked indifferently, now standing beside me. Nala's face darkened slightly, but regardless she replied, "I used to be. There are only ten of them now, but there were previously twelve."

"Why is that?" he continued. As sweet as this girl looked, I could tell that she put things blunt, and it didn't surprise me when she said with a happy smile, "I don't like you much, Kanda. But if you leave, I'll be happy to talk to Allen."

"Why you―"

"Kanda, save the conniption. Just go back to the waterfall and I'll meet you there," I say, turning to the bluenette. Scowling, he growls, "Screw that, I'm going back to the inn."

And he does just that, leaving Nala and I alone. A serious look overtakes the ravenette's face as she holds her arm out and says, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

At first, I didn't understand what she meant, because generally, that sounded like what a pedophile would tell a child after snatching them, but it did eventually dawn on me. Nodding, I hesitantly hold out my arm and push my sleeve up enough for her to see my rope burn and a few cutting scars, and she does the same, revealing dozens of scars in various stages of healing. Silently, we pull down our sleeves, and Nala sits on the ground, motioning for me to do the same.

"So what's your story?" she asks nonchalantly like we were discussing the weather. "I've gone to so many facilities for help that I've heard pretty much every one of them."

Uncomfortably, I pick at the grass, and she asks, "Do want me to tell me mine first?"

"You don't have to. Kanda and I originally came here to investigate to murders."

"I think I can help with that."

"Okay, then go ahead," I say, listening intently. Nodding, the girl begins, "Well, about four years ago, I was in this clique. We were the best chicks on the streets and in high school, so when we graduated, we all decided to start our own bar. It was a success from the get go, and someone suggested that the twelve of us get tattoos to symbolize our friendship."

She tilts her head and pulls down the fabric to reveal a small butterfly tattoo before continuing, "We did, and for the next year all was good.

"From the beginning, all of us were extremely religious, and we came and prayed together every day at this shrine. There was a girl, Keade, that I really liked, and I found out she liked me, too. We started dating in secret, because it was bad to be in a same-sex relationship to all the girls.

"One night, we decided to tell them. I mean, they were our best friends, and they would still love us anyways, right? When we told them, they kicked us out of the clique, and since then they would bully us every chance they got."

A tear slipped down Nala's cheek as she said, "It was so bad that Keade…she couldn't take it, and she slit her wrists."

"I'm sorry," I say, quietly, and we sit in silence for a couple minutes before Nala says, "Since that happened, I've cut. I don't eat very much, so now I'm a rexy."

"Rexy?" I repeat confusedly.

"Anorexic," she explains, and I glance at her body. For the first time, I noticed just how frail and skinny she was, her fingers pale and slightly bony, and if she held up her shirt, I bet I could count her ribs. Glancing at me, she asks, "So what happened to you?"

"Well," I begin, "not long ago―a few months, I guess―I started dating this guy I really liked. Long story short, he loves me, but he still hits me and when we have sex, I usually rip. But he loves me, so I don't mind."

Nala looks towards the shrine, "Hm, I know he's obviously jerk, but I didn't think he'd hurt you."

"Huh? You know Lavi?" I ask, trying to think of a time that they would have meant. Glancing at me with a bewildered expression, the ravenette says, "His name is Lavi? I thought it was Kanda."

"Wha…?" I ask, not sure how Kanda got into the conversation. Why would she think Kanda hit me? I was talking about my boyfriend….

"No! No, no, no! Kanda isn't my boyfriend! No! Just…no."

"Really?" she asks, waggling her eyebrows at me. "I wouldn't think that was the case."

"Why?" I was still stuck on the whole "Kanda's your boyfriend, right?" thing. I mean, he hates me! And I think I hate him. Think? No, I _know_ I hate him! Gosh, I need to hit my head, because I must have a concussion or something.

Rolling her emerald eyes, Nala explains, "Are you kidding me? While he was standing behind you, he kept death glaring me and it intensified every time I got closer to you. And the way he stood screamed that he was ready to jump on anything that tried to hurt you. Not to mention his mini anger flare that you calmed with one sentence."

Of course, at this I was silent. What could I say? Kanda wasn't my boyfriend, but I can't really control his mood swings. Hanging my head, I mutter, "He aggravates me so much!"

"Why?"

"Number one, he's a jerk, but that's given. Number two, he's hot and cold all the time now. I had a nightmare last night, and we have to share a bed, so when I broke down, he held my hand all night. When we were coming here, I had another breakdown, and he held me for over a half hour, but then he threatened to tell Lavi I was cheating if I said anything!" I rant.

"No offense, but the two of you are morons."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

Silently, I step out of the bathroom, finding the lights out and Kanda in bed. Moving around the bed, I pull the blankets back and lie down, noticing that the bluenette rolled over to lay with his back to me, and I remember what Nala had told me when I decided to head back to the inn.

" _If you really are that scared of the nightmares, ask Kanda to hold you through the night," she said. Gaping at the girl, I stammer, "B-but he w-won't l-l-let me d-do that!"_

" _Trust me, if you ask, he'll do it."_

What was she thinking? Even as I have that thought, I still move closer to him and reach out my hand, catching and pulling on the fabric of his black t-shirt, and I quietly ask, "Kanda?"

"What?"

He seemed agitated already, but I continue anyways, "I…I'm scared of the nightmares."

"And?" he asked, rolling over to face me. Blushing, I ask nearly inaudibly, "Will you hold me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Haha, you got saved from a cliffhanger last chapter just to get hit with another one! I'm so evil, and if you think so, too, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	7. Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, there would be whole episodes dedicated to a shirtless Kanda doing sexy hair flips.  
> Got Own?

It started the first time I saw him. Of course, I had the order to kill him, because the Gatekeeper was too stupid to distinguish a human from an akuma, so it was a miracle that he didn't get Mugen through his skull.

He continuously drove me crazy with his fake politeness, and the fact that he could drive me crazy at all. When he wouldn't leave Toma to die during the mission in Mater, I wanted to yell at him for being stupid. I mean, I did when he tried to step in as the "sacrifice", as he called it, for Lala and Guzol, but that wasn't what set me off.

He cared too much. Why did he have to be that way? I don't know, but it makes me want to hurl when I think about it. Exorcists are destroyers, and yet, he still said that even so, he wanted to save. Save what? We're in a war! People are going to die, and it's better if you cut off all the ties. That's what I did, and it's worked up until now.

Then why is it that when I spare with him, I want to let him win? He may act like he's happy, but I can see that it's fake, and part of me wants to give him a victory of some sort. I never let him win though, because I'm not going to let my name be soiled by allowing a moyashi like him pin me down.

Why is it that when he smiles, I find myself getting aggravated, because I can see that it's fabricated? But then there are those times, like the night he woke up crying from a nightmare and I held his hand, that I see the real, beautiful smile that could make an angel look ugly. He's strikingly gorgeous on those rare occasions when he just beams with happiness, and even if I've had a bad day, I feel my cold heart warm slightly.

Why is it that every time my name leaves his lips, my heart skips a beat? When he's hurt and asking for help, he weakly murmurs "Kanda" and I feel my heart clenching in agony, because I can't stand to see him in such a pitiful state. When he's mad, his cheeks get red with anger, and he says that one word before telling me why I'm wrong. That's when I feel like bowing and asking forgiveness, but I've decided to make him mad just to see the cute face he has as he growls.

Why is it that when I watch him sleeping on the train with his eyes closed and the look of pure, unadulterated innocence gracing his features, I want to reach across the compartment and stroke his cheek, watching the smallest grin cover his face as he leans into the touch, and I pray that he won't wake up?

Why was it that when Lavi came into the cafeteria that morning three months ago and asked my Moyashi to go out with him, I felt anger and jealousy surge through me, and I wanted to punch the Baka Usagi's lights out when the whitette smiled and accepted? After that, I remember going and training for hours, imagining Lavi's face on the bag I was punching with my bare fists until I felt something break, but I continued, even as the pain rushed through me every time I moved the broken hand.

Why is it that I only ask him to spare with me just so I could be with him, and feel my heart flutter when he complimented a move I did? And if he ever told me I could touch-up on something, I would practice whatever it was for hours on end, sometimes through the night and to whenever the sun peeked over the distant mountains, until I was absolutely was flawless in the movement.

And why is it that when I walked out of the bathroom naked save for a towel, I smirked as I heard him squeak and bring the blankets over his face, and I could guess what his epiphany was though I never voiced it.

Why is it that when I was told that he was dead, I felt such overwhelming hatred rise in my chest, and I fought Tyki Mikk with revenge in mind? And I saw a form through the fog, but when I attacked it, I found him, and all I could stutter out was "M-moyashi".

Why is it that when he tried to stay in Skinn Bolic's room with me to fight, I couldn't stand the thought of him getting killed and did everything to make sure he left with the others? I shouldn't have cared that much. It shouldn't have mattered to me whether or not he got hurt, but I did regardless.

When I see him with Lavi, I get so mad and frustrated watching him laugh and have fun with his boyfriend, and I wish that that was me instead, because to me, all I can do is make him cry or get angry. I've wondered what I can possibly do to make him smile like that, to make him want to be beside me instead of that rabbit.

That day I went off on him for nothing in the cafeteria, and he slapped me before running out with tears in his liquid mercury eyes, I felt like chasing after him and apologizing on my knees, but my pride wouldn't let me do that. What my pride did let me do however was curse at Lavi and punch him out of his chair when he had said, "Why must he be so pathetic and weak?"

When I went to tell him about our mission to Rhone and saw the fear spark in his eyes at the mention of Lavi's name, I knew that there was something wrong with my Moyashi. He hadn't always wore turtlenecks nonstop and been covered in bruises. He hadn't always listened to depressing music and limped around because he'd been ripped by a little rough sex. He hadn't always been numb.

But when he told me about it and brought up my sex life, I felt the jealousy heat up inside me, and I told him about all the girls I'd slept with. What I didn't mention was the fact that the only reason I'd done it was to try and forget about him, but I still couldn't do it, because while I was having sex with the girls, I had to imagine white hair and chrome eyes to get off.

The way he tried to hide while tears ran down his face when he'd woken up from his nightmare and told his pillow that he wasn't stupid made me want to comfort him, to love him for once. I'll never forget the way his skin had felt under my fingers, smooth, delicate, and wet, and I remember wondering if his lips felt the same way, or if they were rough instead of mellifluous. His hair was like silk sliding through my fingertips, and I wanted to bring them to my lips to kiss them softly. What did his tears taste like? Were they salty? Or were they dulcet and sweet like he was underneath his fake mask?

It took my breath away to watch him whimper quietly for me to continue the contact, and it didn't take very long for him to fall sleep, so he didn't notice when he whined and moved closer to me, pressing his face into my chest. I didn't have an issue with this, but when I held him in my arms, I knew I wouldn't sleep anymore that night. Part of me wanted him to wake up and nuzzle closer to me. The other, saner part of me wanted him to stay asleep forever as I stroked his hair and kissed his eyes feather-lightly.

When the sun rose, I released the boy, but he whimpered instantly, reaching out for whatever had been holding him, and I had to replace my body with his pillow. After that, I meditated until I heard him stir from his sleep a few hours later, but I couldn't clear my mind like I normally could. I wanted so badly to hold him in my arms again and feel his chest rise and fall evenly against mine.

When he asked me about it later, all I could say was to forget about it, but he wouldn't let that go. I had him pinned to a tree, fighting the urge to kiss him with everything I had, and I felt my eyes widen when his eyes shimmered and began pouring tears. He wouldn't let me touch him when I'd reached out, but I hated to see him this way, and I'd pulled him to me. The way he'd clutched my jacket like his life depended on it and begged me not to leave him when he'd told me that he hated feeling trapped made me feel like I was important to him.

But I had to be a jerk after that of course. I can remember the look on his face when I had told him what I would tell Lavi, and the blush that I didn't think he knew he had was as dark as ever, but I couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. Probably a mixture of both.

When we got to the waterfall, I knew that it was weird that he wasn't complaining about his stomach, even though I know he ate more than normal, and when I asked about it, I couldn't believe how aggravated he got. He knew that I wasn't acting right anymore, and it drove me crazy. It drove me crazy that when I was about to cuss out that Nala chick that all he had to do was tell me to "save the conniption" and that I needed to go back to the waterfall. At the request, the only rebellion I could pull was going to the inn instead, but it still irritated me that I couldn't get angry when he told me to do something.

I've noticed―and he has, too―that I stare at him a lot now. His hair is so pure and white, and it reminds me of snow. Even if he's sixteen, I still think that he looks more beautiful with ivory hair than he ever could've with brown hair, and it's soft and silky, almost like what I imagine a cloud would feel like.

His eyes are liquid chromium, the silver more reflective than a mirror, and I don't understand why he never betrays his feelings through the orbs. When I look in his eyes, all I see are my own emotions shining back at me, but I used to be able to sense his feelings through the mercury pools. It frustrates me that the only way I can tell what he's feeling is if he tells me, but that seems to be happening more and more lately, even though it partially is lies.

His skin is pale and radiant, always glowing when he smiles, and it feels like solid honey, soft and smooth. It's awful to see violet blemish his skin, but I like that he doesn't mind if I see it, and he's okay with me seeing him breakdown.

So when he lied beside me and pulled on my shirt, saying he was scared of the nightmares, and then asked if I would hold him, I was stunned momentarily.

"Please, Kanda?" he asked quietly, looking sideways at the mattress in embarrassment, and he flushed strawberry. Calming my heart rate, I ask, "Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?" he mutters. "I said I was scared!"

Reaching across the space between us, I stroke his face lightly, running my thumb under his cursed eye, "Why are you asking me? Other than there's no one else here."

His blush darkens as he moves over to me, clutching my t-shirt and nuzzling into my chest while I stay slightly shocked, and he whispers, "I feel safe with you."

Relaxing, I wrap my arms around him like I had the night before, quietly murmuring, "What about Lavi?"

"He doesn't hold me like you do."

"How do I hold you?"

He stayed silent for a moment, and he was so close to me that I could feel his heart beat faster as he replied, "Like you care about me."

At the words, I freeze, but then he continues, "I know that you hate me, but when I'm with you…I don't know. I feel like a matter."

"Why don't you feel like that any other time?" I ask, running my fingers through his hair lightly, and I gently tug out any knots I find. He doesn't reply, and after a few minutes, I say, "Moyashi."

"It's Allen," he says instinctually before falling into silence again. Getting irritated, I roll over on top of him, supporting myself on my elbows on either side of his head, and I see the tiny flicker of fear in his chromium eyes. Staring down at him, I say, "Don't you dare start crying."

Glancing away, he stares at my arm and whispers, "I can't help it."

"You aren't trapped. I know that you are strong enough to push me off of you right now."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Who are you scared of?"

His tears that had been silently slipping down his cheeks stopped, but he didn't look at me, just my arm. He wouldn't say anything, but after a while, I noticed that he was trembling, like seriously trembling. If I didn't know better, I would have thought the bed was vibrating, because I mean, it takes talent to shake like that.

Quietly, I move back to lie beside him, pulling him closer with a hand on his hip, but when he winces, I jerk my hand back, worried that I had hurt him. Sniffling, he scoots towards me, curling up with his head resting on my shoulder, and he whispers, "Thank you, Kanda."

My heart fluttered momentarily when my name slipped past his lips, and I watched his eyes close slowly, his breathing evening out as he fell asleep. Silently, I gazed at the angel boy in my arms, his halo resting in the sheen on his head from the moon, and his small hands clasp my shirt. He smelled faintly of lavender and jasmine, and I couldn't but think, _That's such a girly scent._ It fit him though. I could imagine him lying all splayed out in a patch of the purple flowers, his hair fanning out around him while he stared up at the sky.

And as I lightly brushed my lips across his nose, I know what's happened. It was so obvious, but it wasn't until now that I noticed, and that slightly aggravated me, just not as much as the actual problem. Years had my heart been cold and dead, but this boy had come and I fell. I fell and landed so hard that everything broke. The walls around my emotions had crumbled.

And they crumbled because of Allen Walker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Okay, a friend asked me to do this chapter, so I hope she's happy with it. Please tell me what you think, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	8. Jealous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, we would figure out why the heck Lavi wears an eye patch.

When I wake up, I'm happy when I feel arms still around me, and nuzzle closer to the warm body next to me, smiling faintly when the arms tighten. I can't help but feel smug. I mean, I bet none of the girls he slept with got to be held in his arms all night.

Blushing, I squeak in embarrassment as I realize that I was jealous of those hoes, and Kanda grumbles, "Can't you go one day without squealing about something?"

"I can't help it!" I protest tiredly, feebly punching his stomach before snuggling my face into the crook of his neck and shoulder, and his hair tickled my nose, causing me to giggle quietly.

Smirking, he muttered, "Then what's the cause this time?"

"I was thin―"

I cut myself off and flushed darker when I realized that I nearly said "I was thinking about how you must like me more than the hoes you screwed." Bad idea.

"The Moyashi's brain just gets smaller and smaller," Kanda said, attempting to sit up, but I continue to cling to him, refusing to let my personal heater leave. Rolling his eyes, he looks down at me as I hold tighter to his waist, my head leaning against his tattoo, and he asks gruffly, "Would you let go? It's past noon and we have Innocence to find!"

Falling back down after releasing him, I mutter, "You don't have to be so mean about it."

"Be happy that I let you act like freaking moss all night at all. I smell like flowers now," the bluenette huffs, searching for clothes in his suitcase with his back to me.

"How did you know that my body wash was lavender and jasmine?" I ask curiously. _Did he pay that much attention to me last night?_

"Sensitive nose," he growled, taking out some clothes and heading to the bathroom. "Dress casual. I have a feeling those girls will talk easier to a hot guy."

Blushing furiously, I stutter, "Y-you think I-I'm hot?"

Scoffing, he says, "A sprout like you? Please! I was talking about myself."

With that, he shut the door and I look down at my thighs, fumbling with my hands. Of course he was talking about himself, not me. If he's hot, then I'm the slime on the walls of a sewer, and I don't even want to talk about if he's sexy, because he is. Very, very sexy.

Who would be delusional enough to think a white-haired, cursed, scarred, mistakenly born freak was beautiful, let alone sexy? Lavi already told me that even though I look the way I do, he still loves me, and that makes me happy, because no one else would love someone like me.

Words of self-hatred running through my mind and spray painting the insides of my skull with things like _mistake_ , _broken_ , and _useless_ , I pull my bag up onto the bed just Kanda walks out of the bathroom, clad in low-riding jeans and his blue muscle shirt. Okay, so what if I was staring at his butt?

"Get dressed," he said, pulling out his hair tie, and I'm hypnotized by the blue tresses falling freely from their restraints, gleaming in the light as they settle on his shoulders and back.

"Oi, Moyashi, hurry up, or I'll shove Mugen up your slow butt," Kanda growled menacingly, beginning to drag his brush through the locks, and I have to vigorously shake my head before grabbing my clothes and darting to the bathroom.

Stupid Kanda! I hate him so much! Why does he act like he cares one minute and couldn't spare a glance the next? Makes me so angry!

Then why is my heart beating like this? Why did my eyes widen and stare at his rear when he came out of the bathroom in those form-fitting jeans? Ugh, I hate this!

After I change into a turtleneck and skinny jeans and go through my hygienic rounds, I walk back into the bedroom to find Kanda now also wearing a leather biker jacket. Someone kill me, please!

"Let's go," he grunts, walking out the door, and I quickly follow. We get breakfast at some Japanese buffet, but I could tell Kanda wasn't impressed with the food. Then again, what does impress the samurai?

Silently, we walk down the sidewalk, looking for "Chrysanthemum", the bar that the now six girls run. According to Nala, the six left are all single and their names are Crystal, Falla, Nadine, Lila, and Ever. Sounds like girls that would make a clique to me.

As Kanda and I approach a large neon sign that hung above the bar, I saw a doll walking out, blond hair and double D's, and I quickly catch her before she can turn the other way to whatever he destination was, "Excuse me, do you know where I can find the owners of this club?"

"That's me, Sugar. Crystal's the name, serving tequila's my game, and you are?" she asked, looking me up and down. Smiling my innocent smile, I reply, "I'm Allen and this is Kanda. It's nice to meet you!"

Her gaze travels to the bluenette leaning against the wall of the bar, eyes eating up his pure sex appeal, and I suddenly feel like shouting, "Hey, he's mine! Keep your red-nailed paws off him!"

I quickly dismiss this and resort to thoughts of strangling as she walks over to him, running a nail seductively down his chest, and she asks, "Kanda, huh? I've always wanted a samurai to protect me, but is your sword very long? The _other_ one, I mean."

Crystal playfully pulls at his belt loop with one hand and uses the other to feel his muscle, and I felt the blood flow to my face in anger. I'm going to decapitate this chick! Religious my butt!

"Bigger than anything you've seen," Kanda smirks, quickly grabbing her hands and holding them above her as he flips them, pinning her to the wall. A low growl erupts from my throat when I watch him lean down closer to her, "I have a nuisance in my room though."

Before I could retort, Crystal giggles, "Don't worry about that, Kandy. I've got a king-size bed at my house not too far from here."

_Kandy?! She sounds like such a ho!_

"How about this: you answer a few questions for me and the Moyashi here, and I'll screw you so hard you won't remember in the morning?" he whispered in her ear, nearly too soft for me to hear. Nearly.

"No! Kanda, we're on a mission! You can't be running around with girls the whole time!" I protest after the doll nods excitedly. Pushing his body flush against hers, Kanda glances over his shoulder at me and growls, "I don't take orders from moyashi like you."

Finally fed up with it, I walk over to them and forcefully pull the bluenette from Crystal, leaving the girl to pout without a second thought, and I scold, "It's Allen, and it doesn't matter!"

"It doesn't matter that your name isn't Moyashi?"

"Shut up! You know what I meant!" I yell, flushing strawberry before turning to Crystal and politely asking, "Can we ask you a few questions?"

Leaning back and glancing between us, she tilts her head and asks randomly, "So are you guys, like, boyfriends or something?"

"I have a boyfriend, but he just screws girls that are willing," I grumble exasperatedly, trying to ignore the outright appalled look on Kanda's face.

"If that's the case, why can't I agree to the original deal? He's gorgeous, and I don't let the sexy ones get away," she says, ogling the samurai beside me obviously, and I feel like I'm about to explode with anger. Not that I know why. Ugh, I hate confusion!

Kanda rolls his eyes, "Moyashi, just go back to the inn and I'll be back later with the information that we need."

"Fine," I mutter, spitting curses at the bluenette as he moves back to the blond that is currently as evil as the Earl, and he slides an arm around her waist, leading her in the other direction. Just when I was about to turn away, I see Crystal slip a hand in Kanda's back pocket suggestively before she turns her head in my direction, sticking out her tongue in a gesture that clearly stated, "I win. He's mine, so suck it up."

Smirking, I flip her off and head back toward the inn, still aggravated with Kanda for doing that, and I slam the door to the inn shut when I get back. Who knows how long it was going to take before Kanda got back, not to mention what that Crystal chick is going to do to him. Wait, I didn't say that right. Not to mention what Kanda is going to do to that Crystal chick. Please, like Kanda would ever let someone do something to him!

Muttering about how Kanda's a jerk for no apparent reason, I make my way to the bathroom once I've gotten my clean clothes, and shut the door harshly. All I needed was a shower. A nice, long, hot, relaxing shower. That being known, I strip down to my birthday suit, tossing the dirty clothes into the corner, and I stare at myself in the mirror, lazily commenting to myself about how the bruises hadn't faded at all, not even after five days. I mean, I don't bruise easily, so it was weird that they were still there, but I just as well assume that they had been reinforced so many times that maybe it will take over a week for them to vanish. I have a feeling I'll get painted again by that time though.

After purging and brushing my teeth several times, I turn on the shower, watching jadedly as the water pours from the showerhead. Stepping into the tub, I pull the curtain across the beam and hiss as the steaming water pounds my raw flesh, mostly recent cuts, but then again, I have at least ten that would open easily if I scratched them.

_Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness. And I'm addicted to your punishment. And you're the master. And I am waiting for disaster._

_I feel irrational. So confrontational. To tell the truth I am getting away with murder. It isn't possible to ever tell the truth, but the reality is I'm getting away with murder._

Of course, I would never kill anyone, so I don't really know why I listen to this song, but still, this is one of my favorites. Creepy, huh?

Unfortunately, I always forget to bring my Altoids box when I go to take a shower, but I have long since figured out that it's just as easy to claw and reopen fresh cuts. Besides, what would happen if Kanda became suspicious of the small mint box? Yeah, right. The day Kanda starts to care about me is the day that I finally decide to end it all, and the closest thing he'll be able to do is spit on my casket. At least I'd be acknowledged.

At first, whenever I thought about what it would be like if I were to commit suicide, I would immediately push the thought away. I mean, my life may not be perfect, but all I need is Lavi, and he loves and protects me, so why would I want to do something like that? Of course, that's when I got addicted to cutting.

One day, I was playing a few games on Lenalee's iPod, and I went online for a bit. Shh, don't tell anyone that I secretly like poetry! That being said, I found a few poems about domestic violence, and I was like, "Okay, I'll look at the rest of the stuff this website has."

A good fourth of the site was about cutting, so if it was that popular, why not? _I'll just try it once,_ I had thought, but isn't that what most people say before taking a drag of a cigarette or a snort of cocaine? Needless to say, I didn't do it just once, and now I'm here, digging my black nails into the newer cuts on my right arm. Luckily, my thoughts on heroin didn't last long. I'm screwed up as it is, so there's no need for me to add substance abuse to it, and it's illegal.

Silently, I rest my hands the side of the shower and let the water run down my back and marred chest. It wasn't even past four, but my eyelids kept trying to close on me.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Oi, Moyashi!"

At the sudden voice and the door opening, I jolt straight up, managing to get whacked in the face by Timcanpy's tail, and I rub my nose, "Where'd you come from?"

"Baka, can't you stay awake for three hours?" Kanda grumbled, propping Mugen against the wall and removing his leather jacket. Rolling my eyes, I say, "I'm just tired. I bet Crystal was happy in those three hours."

Smirking, he sat on the end of the bed, lying back with his hands above his head, "Yes, I got plenty of praise and a phone number. Jealous?"

Shaking my head, I mutter, "I've got a boyfriend, and I don't sleep around, thank you very much. I have pride."

"Measly pride that it is. I have more pride than you do," he grunts. Laughing, I reply, "There's a difference between pride and arrogance."

Sighing, he doesn't respond, and I cross my legs, holding my ankles like they would run away, though it was a scary thought for one's own ankles to somehow do that, "Did you get any information?"

"Crystal has double D's, and she finds furry handcuffs appealing."

"Kanda! Be serious!"

Closing his eyes, he answers, "According to the ho, the four girls that died were the meanest ones. Then again, she also said that she didn't know a Nala."

"Great, so all we know is what Nala told us and that Crystal likes samurai. Fabulous."

Kanda glanced at me for a moment before shutting his cobalt orbs again, "Correction: what Nala told _you_. A certain Moyashi left out the other information he learned."

Looking down, I don't know what to say. I couldn't really tell him about her cutting, but I could fill him in on Keade, I guess. And I do.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

That leads us to a few days later, sitting on the train back to the Order. Turns out, that bit of information was enough for Kanda to figure out that the Innocence was in the shrine. Nala was behind the murders, indirectly, of course.

She would pray every day for another girl to die, and I really can't say I blame her. I mean, the poor girl lost the person she loved, and that alone would be enough to drive anyone to kill, especially if they found that they wouldn't get caught. Nothing significant happened unless Kanda slicing through a shrine is something big.

Nala confessed easily, and to tell the truth, I was slightly concerned that she would reveal my secret to Kanda, but she didn't. When I walked away behind Kanda though, she whispered in my ear, "We cutters have to stick together. Maybe the long-haired jerk could help you."

"Moyashi, you look like a moron," Kanda grumbled, looking away from his book momentarily. I realize that I was smiling like some sort of possessed clown, and I quickly focus back on my music playing, quietly singing along after I retort, "Shut up, BaKanda."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: So I got bored with this mission….  
> Oh well, the result is the same, and I figured that they was no way to really add to the plot by spending the next three chapters on this. Getting Away With Murder- Papa Roach, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	9. Lacerations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, when Marie was holding Miranda in one of the last episodes, he would have kissed her.  
> Got Own?

"Come in!" I call when I hear a knock on the door. Kanda and I hadn't gotten back until midnight last night, but it was past noon now, and I was only just waking up. Well, that being I sat up and remained motionless for a good three minutes, because I went temporarily brain-dead. So tired!

The door opened quietly, and the boyfriend I have yet to see walked into my room, an outright livid expression encasing his normally cheerful face.

 _What did I do this time?_ I wonder, smiling like nothing was wrong, "Hey, Lavi! I've missed you!"

"Moron! Do you think that I'm stupid?!" he yelled, storming up to my bed, and I was wide awake now, my back pressed flush to the wall my bed was against. Hanging my head in obedience, I mumble, "No. What did I do?"

A scream bursts through my sealed lips as I'm struck in the side by something precise. Did Lavi shoot me? Cut me with a knife? I wilt like a flower silently, tears streaming my face as I fall to my side on the soft bed with my wounded left hip up, and I whisper, "I'm sorry for whatever it was!"

My eyes are squeezed shut, my body braced for another hit when I hear a sharp crack, and I momentarily wonder how he'd brought a whip into my bedroom unnoticed, but then he shouts, "A finder said that you slept with Kanda! Is that true?!"

Weakly shaking my head, I defend, "No, I didn't. We had to share a bed on the la―AHH!"

Lavi whips the leather across my chest twice, smiling sadistically as he says, "I guess it's time that I remind you how you belong to."

Eyes widening in fear, I immediately begin saying, "I'm yours, Master! You own me body and soul!"

My claims are stopped as I scream in pain again, panting because I knew that if he didn't hit me with something other than the whip, I would begin hyperventilating. I feel the thick material coil around my neck as the redhead forces my face into the mattress, straddling my hips with a knee between my shoulders, and I gasp for air, the restraint tightening.

His booming voice seemed far away while I struggled for oxygen, lungs contracting in need, and I was on the verge of passing out before the whip was removed from my throat. That is, until I felt it strike me repeatedly on the back, and I screech, blood running along my skin.

_K-Kanda…._

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

When I wake up, I don't have to look for the roses on my nightstand, the aroma of the blooms filling my room, but I could still smell the blood. I refused to move. I'm a hundred percent certain that I'm ripped again, and I have to have at least fifty lacerations from the whip. At least.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how long I'd endured the abuse, because there was morning sunlight streaming through my window, and I could only make that out barely from where my body was on its belly. There was an everlasting sting in my back, and I know it took most the grunt of the whip, but what was worse was that I'd promised Kanda to spare with him this afternoon. If I don't show up….

He can't find me like this, and I don't know how long before he's going to come looking for me.

Taking a breath and digging my nails into the bed, I push myself up, a strangled scream erupting from my raw throat, and I collapse, not helping myself since I had wounds on my chest, too, but I was already biting my lip to keep the screeches at bay. Misery held me in its clutch as I forced myself to sit up, but as soon as I got to my feet, I fell to the ground with a thud, crying softly.

The pain was unbearable as I shook and sobbed in the floor, the sheet that was stuck to the dried blood on my back draped over my naked and broken form, and I feel a light nibble on my ear. Opening my eyes, I saw a yellow ball hovering in front of me, and even though my vision was severely blurred from tears, I knew that it was Tim, flying next to me worriedly. Smiling pathetically, I choke out, "It's okay, Tim. I'm okay."

My reply was a soft whack on the side of my head, and I close my eyes again, not knowing what to do. Obviously, I wasn't strong enough to power through this myself, and I couldn't really just lie here, waiting for the wounds to heal. No one would help me without taking me to the infirmary…except….

No! I was _not_ going to let Kanda see me like this! I wouldn't let that hap―

"Oi, Moyashi! You were supposed to be in the training room a half hour ago, moron!"

My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach as I try my best to steady my voice, "I won't be able to do that for a few days."

"What the heck happened?! Why do you sound like that?"

The worry in his voice surprised me, and I was about to reply when I coughed, the wetness telling me that there was blood in it before I spat it out onto the already stained carpet. That was all it took for the door to open, and Kanda was silent, waiting until I told him to close the door before he actually did it.

"M-Moyashi."

I don't say anything, tears still flowing strong, and he kneels down in front of me, wiping them away gently, "What happened?"

"I-I fell," I lie, failing horrendously, but the bluenette doesn't seem to care. Instead, he suggests exactly what I was trying to avoid, "I'm taking you to the infirmary."

"No!" I squeak before coughing up more blood. "Please…anything but t-that."

"Then what do you want me to do? You're bleeding really heavily."

Struggling to push myself up, I crack, "J-just help me…to the bathroom…."

My arms give out from under me, and I await a hard landing that never comes. Kanda supports me with his arms, and he silently lifts me, wincing as I scream in pain. Trying my best to be quiet, I bite on to the closest thing I could to stifle the cries, finding that to be Kanda's shoulder, but he doesn't react with anything more than a slight hitch in his breathing, and he carries me into the bathroom, laying me in the bathtub. The sheet is still around me, covering my scarred arms and private areas, and I attempt to close it around me, finding it impossible when Kanda begins to pry it off me. Terrified, I stutter, "W-What are y-you doing?!"

"I've seen it before, and if I don't get it off of you, I can't clean your wounds," he deadpans, finally tugging the white and red blanket off from me. That's when he just stares at me, his eyes filled with shock as he takes in the severity of the lacerations and my ugly scars, and he opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off hoarsely, "Before you ask, I'm a cutter."

Silence fills the air save for my labored breathing, and Kanda finally snaps back to reality, reaching to the other end of the tub to turn on the faucet. Cold water laps at my legs and thighs, creeping higher, but it steadily warms until I hiss in pain as hot water attempts to corrode my wounds. I quickly forget about this when I feel a warm hand on my chest, jolting momentarily, but I relax under Kanda's touch, his hand cupped to splash my skin before rubbing the flesh to rid it of the dried, crusted blood.

My knuckles are past white as I grip the sides of the tub in agony, silent tears falling, and the samurai continues to graze my wounds lightly, somehow managing to clean the gashes without reopening them. After a while, I roll to my side, biting back a scream, and Kanda begins in my back, asking, "You really aren't going to tell me who gave you these?"

"No one did," I lie, gasping when he purposely is rougher than necessary. "Dang it, Kanda!"

"I don't taking lying very well," he mutters. More water seeps into my skin, and I finally begin to feel the pain ease as I say, "Oh well. I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Why not?"

"Why would I?"

The bluenette's silent for a moment, his actions stopping, and I quietly whimper at the loss of his hands on my flesh. While he's not doing anything, I eye my razor in the corner of my tub, recalling how good it felt to drag it across my skin two days ago, and I begin to reach for it, ignoring the blazing pain in the lesions on my arms. My fingers were less than a few centimeters away from the cutting device when a large hand snatched it, a clatter sounding, and I know it was somewhere in the floor on the other side of the bathroom. Depressed, I slump back down into the hot water, slightly angry that my source of relief was denied from me, and I growl, "Why did you do that?"

"I'm not letting you cut yourself, moron!" he almost shouted, and I cringe, trying desperately to curl in on myself, but every time I tried, I cried out in pain from my rip and lacerations. Lowly, I grumble, "Jerk."

Again, I jolt when he places his hand on my hip lightly, and he says, "Explain to me why I should let you cut."

Rolling over, I bite my lip to prevent my screams, and I say, "Because you aren't supposed to care about me. Why does it matter to you if I cut?"

"I…" he trails off, unable to answer the question, and I patiently wait for a good three minutes, but he never replies, just continues to clean my wounds until the blood was gone. Kanda fetches my underwear for me, but the problem was where I would sit. Eventually, the samurai carries me to the vanity, setting me on the marble top carefully, and I tell him that the gauze is under the sink.

I'm amazed by how gentle he was being with me as he bandaged the gashes, but I knew that he was staring at my scars, and I ask, "Do you think they're ugly?"

He doesn't need further clarification on what I was talking about, and he shakes his head, "No, I don't."

"Why not?" I ask, confusion making my head spin. Silence fills the air until he finishes with applying the gauze to one of the wounds, and he gently puts his hand under my chin, looking me in the eyes, "Nothing about you is ugly. Compared to you, an angel looks hideous."

"K-Kanda…" I whisper, heat rising in my cheeks, and he leans closer to me, giving me time to react to his lips closing in on mine. Our skin barely brushed, almost like a feather, but Kanda quickly pulled back, looking to the side shamefully, and I touch my lips, wondering if I did something wrong.

After a moment, the bluenette began to dress my wounds once again, not making eye contact, and I quietly ask, "What did I do?"

"Why are you always the one to do something wrong?" he muttered, focusing on his work as he carefully turns me to sit cross-legged while facing the mirror, and I heard him take in a breath. "These…you'll need stitches for these, Aren."

I jump slightly, "Did you…did you just call me by my name?"

"No," he growled.

"Yes, you did."

"Shut up. Did you hear me? You'll need stitches."

Sighing, I hang my head, "I heard you fine. Can't you do it?"

"I don't have any experience with it," he said, bandaging the less severe ones. Shaking my head, I say, "I don't care about experience as long as you know how to do it. If they weren't on my back, I'd do it myself."

"No numbing?"

"That's why I have a razor," I mutter. "Guess I'll be in even more pain, because you won't le―"

"I'm not letting you cut," Kanda says sternly. Frustrated, I say, "Why not?"

"Because I hate to see you hurt!" he finally shouts, making me freeze, but I quickly regain my composure, eyeing him through the mirror even though he wasn't meeting my gaze.

_At least someone does._

He finishes my bandaging in silence, and then he goes into my bedroom to find my stitching kit.

"Are you sure that you want me to do this?" Kanda asks for the hundredth time, and I nod, bracing myself with my hands on the mirror. The tenseness in my body only increases when I feel the skin of my back being stabbed and skewered over and over, but I don't make a sound as silent tears flow down my cheeks, dripping off my chin and onto my ankles. There were only two short wounds that needed stitches, the deepness making up for the lack of length, but I knew that Kanda was only done with one as he began on the next. This one was on my side, going right across some of my worst bruises, and as I felt the pain become almost unbearable, I whimper, "I-It hurts."

"I know. I'll be done in a second," the bluenette cooed if he can actually coo. One last poke and it was over.

"You're not going to tell me who did it, are you?" he said as I turn back around, gritting my teeth, and I shake my head. Stroking my cheek softly with his thumb while the rest of his hand is caressing my neck, he continues, "And it doesn't have anything to do with the roses in your bedroom?"

Shake.

"You don't trust me?"

Shake.

"But you still won't tell me."

Nod.

"Do you think that I can't see what's going on?"

Shaking my head for the last time, I say, "I want you to leave it alone. I trust you enough to let you see me like this, but why isn't that enough for you?"

"Because…because…" he trails off, looking away from me, and he supports himself on his hands braced on the vanity, the top part of his body looming over the lower part on mine. Finally meeting my gaze, he says, "Because I can't stand the thought of someone hurting you. I just…I just want to drive whoever did this face down into the ground!"

His knuckles are white, and as I stare into his eyes, I can't see anything in the cobalt pools other than anger, but I don't understand. Why would he feel like this for me? He's supposed to hate me, and just because I have undecided feelings toward him doesn't change the fact that Lavi's my boyfriend and I love him.

Then why am I leaning forward, even though it felt like I was being shot by a thousand akumas' bullets? Why aren't I swatting away his hand as he tilts my chin up? Why am I allowing myself to be swept away, closing my eyes and parting my lips? Why am I shivering in anticipation as Kanda's breath hits my lips, smelling of mint and soba?

Why am I so disappointed when the kiss I was awaiting so anxiously never comes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: What did you like about this chapter? What did you hate? Please, Please, PLEASE tell me in a review!


	10. Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, there would be more video games and for different devices other than DS and PlayStation.

Confusedly, I open my eyes to find Kanda's back to me, and he had his forehead resting against the wall. I was pretty much stranded on the vanity since I couldn't walk yet, so instead, I call quietly, "Kanda?"

After a moment of waiting for his answer, I ask, "What are you doing?"

"Staying away from you, moron," he growled, and I shrink back at the harshness in his voice. If I could just figure him out, maybe we wouldn't have moments like these where we go from nearly kissing to Kanda yelling in frustration. Granted, we shouldn't be nearly kissing to begin with, but still.

"Why do you want to stay away from me?"

"Why do you want to be close to me?"

Glancing down at my hands fumbling with a loose string on my underwear, I mutter, "I already told you."

"Mind repeating it?"

Biting my lip, I push myself off the vanity, barely preventing myself from crumpling due to the pain in my rear, but I manage to slowly get to my bed, lying on the blood-stained sheets. Though my panting, I say, "In Rhone, I told you that I felt safe with you. Now tell me why you don't want to be with me."

Silence fills the room as Kanda walks toward the door of my room, grasping the knob before he says bluntly, "Because you disgust me. I've never liked being around you."

My heart stopped momentarily, my vision blurring, and I tell myself not to bawl to no avail, tears dripping off my chin. Gritting my teeth, I cry, "Then why did you help me?!"

"I don't want to be bothered by a pathetic moyashi later. Figured I should get it over with," he deadpanned, not turning around. Wiping away the tears pouring from my eyes, I ask quietly, "What happened to me being more beautiful than an angel? What happened to hating it when I'm in pain?"

He opens the door, and before he walks out, he says, "Anything to get you to stop bawling like a two-year-old."

With that, Kanda shut the door rather violently, and I painfully crawl under the blankets, hiding under the veils with my face in the mattress. I didn't really care that the covers made it hard for me to breathe, because all I could think of was my failure. What did I have to do?

What did I have to do to be perfect for Kanda?

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

"Allen? Are you okay?" Lavi asks as he shuts the door. "Did I really hurt you that badly?"

Shaking my head, I try to conceal the gauze and stitches with my blanket, but the redhead still sees them, gasping at the damage he had done to my body. Sitting beside me, he pressed a soft kiss to my bruised cheek and whispers, "I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to get drunk last night."

"I know. It's okay, Lavi," I say. It was okay because he loves me.

"How did you get bandaged? And stitched?" he asked, and I lie down, my head in his lap. After a moment, I answer, "Kanda came by earlier and helped, but…"

"What?"

"Well, I don't want you to get mad at him…."

Stroking my hair, Lavi sweetly says, "Allen, if he did anything, I want to know about it."

Remaining silent for a moment, I ponder this. What Kanda said shouldn't affect me like this. It shouldn't depress me.

And yet, I can't forget his words, stabbing me like knives each labeled as a different curse.

_I've never liked being around you._

The sentence wouldn't have surprised me a few months ago, but I can't help but repeat it in my head. It's what I've been doing the past five hours, and I haven't left my bed at all, not even to quell the beastly groans escaping my stomach.

_I've never liked…._

**_Never…._ **

"He told me that I disgusted him, and that he thought that I was ugly," I murmur, more tears falling from my eyes, and I feel Lavi's lips pressed against my temple.

"Don't worry about it, Allen. He just wanted to make you upset," he soothed.

Of course, that was what I had been trying to convince myself of for those five hours, and the next three after Lavi left. But I couldn't, and I did the only thing I knew to do.

The days of not eating were starting to catch up to me, my ribs slowly becoming visible, and as I open my mouth again, I think to myself, _You want to look perfect, right? You want to be a better exorcist, right?_

I repeat these words in my mind while I gag myself, pushing my fingers farther down my throat than I thought was possible, and I feel tears leak from my eyes. Originally, purging had been easy, my gag reflex kicking in almost immediately, but as time went on, it became harder. In turn, I had to force my fingers in deeper, and at this point, it was actually painful, but I don't care about that as I finally vomit what little was in my stomach into the toilet before flushing it.

As always, I brush my teeth until I could no longer taste the bilious flavor, and I silently take my razor from the corner of the room. It's a pain to wash it, and I mentally curse Kanda for getting it dirty, though I had so many more things to go off about when it comes to him.

I hope he's proud that he's causing me this much pain, so much suffering. To be honest, I felt almost at ease when he was taking care of me, gently cleaning my wounds while I had lain so utterly defenseless and naked in the bathtub with tears streaming down my face, and I couldn't deny the flames that were set ablaze when he touched me. No one has seen me so helpless, and for a while, I didn't mind revealing that part of myself to him, but every bit of my trust was shattered as he said what he did.

The blade had just barely nicked my skin when a knocking reverberated around my room and bathroom, and I was about to grumble for that person to go away, but a deep, impudent voice stopped me:

"Open up, Moyashi!"

Cursing quite colorfully, I growl, "Go away, BaKanda! Just leave me alone!"

Of course of all times to forget to lock the door, I chose now, and I heard it open, followed by Kanda saying, "Can't do that. Your boyfriend chewed on me for an hour, so now I―"

I don't bother trying to hide my razor or cover the tiny cut on my arm, slowly trickling blood, and he stares at me for a moment, looking to be on the edge of having a conniption and running to my aid. Rolling my eyes, I ask, "If I put the razor behind my back, would you leave me alone?"

"No," he said bluntly, leaning down to try to steal the shaving device away, but I move it out of his reach each time he tried to get it. After a minute of this, I sigh and hand over the razor grudgingly, glaring at the man that was becoming a bigger problem by the nanosecond, and he once again slides it somewhere near the tub, looking down at me with cobalt pools filled with concern. Please, it's fake concern, but I give him credit. It looked real.

"How many times are you going to ruin my day?" I ask exasperatedly, standing while biting my abused bottom lip to contain my pained cries, and I try to walk as normally as possible to my bed, plopping down tiredly on my bed and closing my heavy eyes. My jaw was still sore and it hurt to talk, but I still mutter, "Seriously, can you please leave?"

Again, Kanda deadpans, "No. Tell me why you were going to cut."

"And why would I do that, moron? It's a waste of breath since you should know already," I reply without really replying. The bed sank down slightly near my hip, and the owner of the body sitting next to mine says, "Why would I know?"

"It's your fault, idiot!" I accuse, my voice dripping enmity, and I feel a warm hand touch my shoulder. Jerking away, I flash open my steel eyes and growl, "Don't touch me, or I'll punch you. I mean it."

Giving me my space, Kanda asks, "I upset you that much?"

Sitting up painfully, I stare into his dark pools, eye levels equal, and in one swift movement, the back of my hand strikes his cheek hard. The closest to a reaction I get is his head sharply turns from the blow, and I say harshly, "Jerk, I trusted you! You really think that cutters are emotionally stable? Do you think that I let everyone see me like that?!"

The bluenette doesn't say anything, his head down, and I continue, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did my disgusting hand touch you?"

"Don't act like you're angry," he said quietly. More rage surfaces as I yell, "Do I really need to convince you that I'm furious?!"

Turning to me, he pushes me down on the bed, pinning my body as he looms over me, and I struggle, trying to break free, but I only cause myself pain, squeaking the whole time. Glaring at him after giving up, I demand, "Let me go."

"You hide behind anger when you feel threatened. You think I don't know that?" Kanda asked, ignoring my heated gaze.

"No, I don't. You don't know anything about me!" I spat, turning my head away from his calm gaze. "I hate you."

Gripping my chin with his free hand, he brings my eyes back to meet his, and says, "No, you don't. Just admit that I hurt you without screaming at me."

How can he decipher all my twists and turns? I made sure that my walls around my emotions were sturdy, not a crack left for people to worm in through, and yet, Kanda knows how I act. How to deal with me when I'm like this. He knows that I'm on edge when I'm in such a vulnerable position, and he knows exactly which points to hit to make me breakdown. I feel like a cat on its back, because I really am in that position, powerless and rendered useless. The difference? A cat would be able to defend itself with claws and teeth, but all I have is my words. True, I could invoke Crown Clown if I really needed to, and at the moment, I was actually considering it, but that wasn't the way to deal with this.

The tenseness in my body eased slowly as tears welled in my eyes, and I quietly whimpered, "You hurt me."

"And I'm sorry," he apologized, finally letting me go, and I immediately pull him down beside me. The body beside me went stiff momentarily as I nuzzle into his chest, clasping his shirt, and I choke out through my crying, "You really…really hurt me, Kanda."

Hesitantly, Kanda wrapped his arms around my trembling form, and after a moment, he said, "This may be really insensitive, but I think you look gorgeous when you cry."

Glancing up at him, I give him an odd look, not sure to be offended or not, but before I can ask, he continues, "And I mean that as a compliment. I meant what I said when I was taking care of you. You make angels look ugly."

A smile graces my lips and he gently brushes away my tears, "Even more so when you smile like that."

"So you didn't mean what you said earlier?" I murmur, snuggling back into his chest, and he soothingly rubs circles into my hip, mindful of my wounds.

"Not a word of it."

"Then why did you say it? You knew that it was upsetting me, so why did you keep saying…awful things?" I ask quietly, slowly beginning to calm down in his strong embrace. Sighing, Kanda asks, "You're not going to leave it at I was being a jerk, are you?"

I shake my head, and he finally says, "I'm very…protective…of you, and it aggravated me that you didn't trust me enough to tell me who hurt you."

Protective? Did he really mean that? Well, he did seem to contemplate his wording, but still. Kanda wasn't one to be protective of anything other than himself and Mugen.

"What you pulled didn't help with my trust any, you know. You're at block one again with everyone else," I mutter.

"Again and everyone else, huh? So you admit that you trusted me more than anyone else?"

Nodding, I say, "I did. I trusted you more than anyone else since…."

 _Mana_ , I silently continue, but I wasn't strong enough to admit that aloud yet. Kanda doesn't push for an answer, but instead moves to a topic that I'd rather avoid, "I want you to stop cutting."

"Good luck with that," I mutter. "You can't stop me if I still want to, and I do."

"Why?"

I don't directly respond, but I begin quietly singing to a song I listen to more than often, "Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

True enough, but I feel numb anyways. That feeling brings me pleasure.

"Then how about this, Moyashi," he begins.

"It's Allen, BaKanda!" I grumble out of habit. Smirking, he says, "My point exactly. I'll check every day, and if you don't cut at all for one week, I won't call you Moyashi for an entire day."

"No, you'll call me Allen! Trickster, I know that you could call me several different things!" I counter, my voice slightly muffled by his exorcist uniform.

"Fine," he says. Shaking my head, I protest, "I never agreed to do that."

Tightening his arms around me, Kanda continues, "Then I'll follow you around all the time to make sure you don't."

"Stalker!"

"I don't care."

Sighing, I mutter after his coercion, "Okay, but I'm not making promises. If I need to cut, I'll cut."

The bluenette asks, "What's so great about it? Why would you want to hurt yourself?"

Personally, I never thought I'd ever be asked that question, so I simply say, "You wouldn't understand."

"Tell me anyways," he insisted, softly tracing my left arm even though I'd never pressed a razor to it. That's when I blush furiously, remembering that I'm only in my underwear, and I silently pull away from Kanda, sitting at the end of the bed with the comforter over my body that was curled into the fetal position. Through the day, the pain was slowly easing. Slowly.

Staring down at my scarred ankles, I say, "It's different for people who cut. I mean, it's like the difference between people who are gay and who aren't. I guess you can call me weak, pathetic, useless, and those terms would all be correct, but it just makes a cutter want to push the blade deeper.

"When I cut, I feel numb. It's a way to escape my emotionally unstable life, and makes everything seem okay, even if just for a second. I think that if I didn't cut to take out that suffering, I'd have killed myself a while ago, and it still…it still crosses my mind sometimes."

I didn't notice the tears slipping down my cheeks until Kanda had moved closer to me, wiping them away, and he gently guides my face up to look him in the eyes. Concern was flickering deep within the bottomless cobalt pools, and he said, "Listen to me. You are not pathetic or any of the other things you said. You're one of the strongest exorcists here, stronger than me or Lavi, and you are anything but weak. You're irrational, immature, stubborn, idiotic―"

"I get the point."

"But you aren't weak," Kanda finishes. I look down, trying to get away from his piercing gaze, because I feel naked under it. Granted, I was nearly in my birthday suit at the moment, but that's beside the point, and the samurai seems to understand this, pulling the comforter tighter around me and adding quietly, "You aren't weak, Allen."

My heart lightens when I hear him speak my name, and I totally forget about the comforter, launching myself into his arms like a toddler hugging his mother after she went on a business trip for a month. The bluenette is taken off guard for a moment, falling backwards onto the bed with me as moss clinging to him, but he doesn't seem to mind as he holds me. Almost inaudibly, I whisper, "Thank you, Kanda."

He says something I can't make out, but I could get a hold on 'call' and 'given'. Glancing up at him, I ask, "What? I didn't hear you."

The hesitation is very clear in his body language, his eyes looking away from mine as he repeats, "When we're alone, I want you to call me by my given name."

Shocked was an understatement as I stared at him in astonishment. My reaction seemed to unnerve him slightly, but I quickly regain my senses, smiling happily, "Okay, Yu."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Aggravation. This story is becoming boring. Next chapter will be set a week later, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Pain-Three Days Grace.


	11. Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter, everyone!  
> If I owned DGM, Lenalee would never have gotten her hair cut off.

The breath is knocked out of me for the fifteenth time as Kanda pins me to the hard floor of the training room, and I cough, muttering, "Can't you let me win once?"

"No, you should get better, Moyashi."

"I'm sorry, who?"

Rolling his eyes, he stands and waits for me to do the same, "No, you should get better, _Allen_."

A smile spreads over my lips, because it was fun for him to be beat by his own deal. I didn't cut for a week, so he has to call me Allen all day, and I'm making sure to spend as much time as possible with him to hear it. Brushing myself off a bit and rubbing the sore spot on my stomach, I grumble, "You're going to reopen my wounds, you know. Just because they're healed doesn't mean that it wouldn't hurt for you to be a little gentler."

"Tell that to an akuma," Kanda says, getting in his fighting stance again. Shaking my head, I hold up my hands in surrender, "Yu, I'm exhausted! Give me a break."

Nodding, he walks to the wall, taking his water bottle and throwing me mine, and I hastily down half of it, resurfacing for air a moment later. Drinking much more slowly, the bluenette smirks, "I'd like to see what you look like after sex. You have no stamina whatsoever."

"How would you know that? I have stamina, just not when you drop me to my back continuously," I protest, leaning against the wall after I set down my water bottle. The heat was getting to me since Kanda was only wearing his athletic pants, shirtless, and I was wearing a turtleneck. Did I mention he was shirtless? Just making sure, because I think that it felt hotter in here than normal.

"You know," Kanda said, massaging his shoulder indifferently, "no one ever comes to this room, because I train in here, and it's the last room down the hall. You can take off your shirt."

I look down, unconsciously biting on my lip as a form of containment. The idea was extremely appealing, and I think I'd be able to train better, but even so, I don't like anyone seeing me with my shirt off, especially Kanda. I mean, I hated what my body looked like and―

"Stop it."

"What?" I ask, my mental condescending ceasing. Moving in front of me so I was against the wall without a way out, Kanda puts each of his hands on the wall on either side of my head and he stares into my eyes, "Stop degrading yourself."

"You don't know that I was doing that," I mutter, looking away just to be pulled back by his hand on my cheek. Moving closer so our chests were nearly touching, Kanda says, "When you're thinking about yourself badly, you look at the floor and bite your lip, and you never speak until someone snaps you out of it."

He moved away from me, and I say, "You make me feel like an open book."

"Only to those who pay attention," he replies, surprising me slightly. Did Kanda just admit that he pays attention to me? I mean, I never really thought about that, even if he does like for me to call him by his first name.

Silently, I remove my shirt, laying it next to his, and walk towards the middle where we were training, trying to resist the urge to cover myself. Kanda was about to attack me when I say, "Wait!"

Raising an eyebrow, he asks, "What?"

"I…um…" I trail off, trying to find my words. It was true that I hold back on him in hand-to-hand combat, but right now, I really didn't want my back to hurt all night. Should I ask him? No, I'll just fight better. Smiling innocently, I say, "Nothing. Just making sure you were ready!"

He scoffs and mutters something about me being like my rabbit boyfriend, though when he says stuff like that, all I can picture is a human-sized rabbit humping my leg….

Not giving me any warning, Kanda tries to sweep my feet from under me, but I back flip out of it. My mind whirls slightly from the movement I hadn't done in several years, and the bluenette's face was openly surprised, but he quickly recovered, determination setting in deep in his cobalt pools. He throws several punches, only one hitting my shoulder, but it didn't hurt that bad, and as he continues his attacks, he says, "You've been holding back on me."

"And I'm not doing that again," I reply, jumping back when he aims a kick to the side of my head.

 _This is about to get interesting_ , I thought, noticing how close I was to the wall of the training room. Turning around, I run up the wall as far as I can before launching myself off of it, turning in mid air, and I was very happy that I was at the exact level I needed to be as I hooked my knees on Kanda's shoulders. The samurai obviously was not expecting this and began walking backwards as I straightened my body, my head near his hip, before I push into the back of his knees, causing him to crumple.

"What did you say about clowns in Rhone?" I ask playfully as I sit on his stomach, the small of my back slightly aching, because when we fell, something stabbed me. Oh well, guess I'll never know!

"Shut up," he growled, panting hard. Smiling, I put my hands on his chest and ask teasingly, "Aw, what's wrong, Yu? Upset that you got beat by a moyashi?"

"And said Moyashi admits it," he mutters. "Get off me, so I can wipe that smile off your face."

Pouting, I say, "B-But I thought you liked it when I smile!"

"Not when you're trying to eat away at my pride. Off."

"Nope, you make a very comfortable…uh…what is it that people lay on in Japan?"

Rolling his eyes, Kanda replies, "It's called tatami."

"Yeah, that! You make very comfortable tatami!" I say, getting comfortable on his chest.

"And what happens if Lavi walks in to find us both shirtless and you asleep on top of me?" the bluenette asks, but he doesn't make any move to push me off of him.

"I blame it on you. Easy enough. Besides, he's on a mission in Brazil," I mumble, finding that this was really nice, and my eyelids fell.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

When I wake up, my shirt is draped over me and something warm is beside and around me. Opening my eyes, I realize that my cheek is on Kanda's shoulder, my face nuzzled into his neck, and the rest of me was in his arms. A pounding on the roof was echoing through the training room, and I quietly ask, "What time is it?"

"About five, but it looks like midnight outside," Kanda answered. "Have you been sleeping at all the last few days? Six hours is a long time to sleep, even for you."

"It's hard to sleep when you're terrified of nightmares," I mumble, not wanting to move, but I couldn't help but be drawn outside. I love playing in the rain.

"You definitely don't worry about those when you're with me."

"Again I say that I feel safe with you," I repeat for the fourth time in the last month. Reluctantly, I sit up, pulling on my shirt, and I ask, "Do you like the rain?"

Kanda raises an eyebrow at me, not moving from his position on his back, and he replies, "I guess. I'm more or less indifferent about it."

"Like everything else," I tease, tossing him his shirt before standing up. This gets the bluenette's attention, and he follows behind me quickly as I make my way to the door that leads outside from the training area. Once I opened the door, there was a small overhang, followed by an open area where the sky was pouring rain, and lastly a patch of forest not too far away. No thunder. No lightning. Just lots and lots of rain. The sky did look like it was night, but the rain wasn't coming down astronomically hard. It was like a moderate April shower. My favorite.

"Allen? You aren't really going out in that, right?" Kanda asks, his shirt now on.

"Of course! It's fun!" I say, stepping out under the overhang, and a fine spray mists over my face as I breathe in the humid air. Turning back to Kanda, I ask, "Haven't you ever played in the rain before?"

He raises an eyebrow, "You really think I would do something like that? It's stupid, and you'll get a cold."

"So? What's more fun than doing what you're not supposed to? Besides, I haven't gotten sick from it, and you never get sick anyways."

"And I'm not starting now," he muttered, still inside the doorframe. Pouting like a baby, I grab his hand and begin to gently pull him outside, "Please?"

He doesn't make any movement, standing like a stone as I try to force him out, and I whimper, "Please, Yu? Just once?"

The samurai's stoic features soften slightly before he sighed in defeat, slowly following me, but he stopped when he got to the edge of the overhang, leaving me to thoroughly soak in the rain. I don't mind the tiny streams of liquid flowing down my face, or the fact that I could fill a bathtub with the amount of moisture in my clothes if I were to wring them out, and I patiently wait for him to move. Kanda grunts, "You're a moron."

My smile doesn't slack for long as he quickly takes a step forward, a gross squishing sound coming from his boot as it mashes the grass under it, and in less than five seconds, he's as wet as I am. Pulling him farther out into the open space near the woods, I ask over the pounding of the precipitation, "Having fun yet?"

"Not really. What's so fun about being wet? I could have done that in my bathtub without clothes on," he mutters, and I hope that he doesn't see the blush that dusts my cheeks when I imagine him naked. Stop! Allen, don't think about how sexy he would be! Help!

"Then do something you wouldn't normally do," I say, brushing away my bangs, but the sopping wet things just flop back down on my forehead. "I'm the only one here."

"Moron, I realize that, but why would I do something stupid? You do enough idiotic things to make up for half the Order," he says. I ignore the stupidity comment and decide that if he wouldn't let loose, I would do it for him. Smirking evilly, I quickly dart behind him and pull out his hair tie, the long tresses immediately falling with a wet _flop_ onto his back, and Kanda spins around to glare at me, "Give that back."

Spinning the drenched fabric around my index finger, I stick my tongue out at him, "Nope. Looks like you'll have to take it from me."

With that, I hastily begin running toward the trees, the stomping of a supposedly murderous bluenette following me, and as I near the towering plants, I pick up my speed. If there's one thing I've noticed about Kanda, it's that he doesn't like to climb things, the opposite of me, so when I hop up onto a relatively low branch, he doesn't pursue the chase any longer, just glowers at me. Playfully, I lie like a bear on the branch, an arm and leg dangling from each side of the limb, but the hair band was safely tucked into my back pocket.

"What's wrong? Why don't you come up here with me?" I ask, hooking my arms and legs to their counterparts and falling off the branch, and I look at him upside down, hanging like a sloth while water steadily runs out of my hair.

"Don't worry, I won't tell," I say when he doesn't answer. His glare becoming more baleful, he growls, "Tell what?"

Rolling my eyes, I reply, "That you're afraid of climbing things. Heights, maybe?"

"I'm not scared of anything," he mutters.

"Then why don't you come up here?" I ask, disconnecting my arms from the limb and suspending from my legs so that I was at eyelevel with the aggravated swordsman. Looking away, he says, "I don't have a problem with heights, just…I don't like being in trees."

"Sounds like fear to me."

"Shut up."

Smiling sympathetically, I say, "You wouldn't have made it in the circus."

"What did you do?"

"Well," I glance at my position, "obviously, I was an acrobat. And a tightrope performer. Sometimes a magician."

"Magician?"

"Hey, I had to learn to work with cards somewhere! Though, I was much better at reading what people were feeling."

"Body language again?"

Flipping to my feet, I shake my head, "No, it was more about people's faces. If you practice enough, you can read a person's life story through their eyes."

"Then read me," he says, snatching his hair tie from my pocket lightning fast, but doesn't put his hair up, stuffing the fabric into his own pocket. I smile at the glint in his eye, and I say, "You don't think I can do it, do you?"

"Not really. There's no such thing as magic," he deadpans, and I accept the challenge gladly, but I notice that he wasn't making direct eye contact. Patiently, I move his head to look down at me and say, "I can prove you wrong, but only if you look directly back at me. No blinking."

He does this, liquid chromium and clear midnight swirling together to make a beautiful sky blue of harmony, and I notice that even with my rusty skills and practice, Kanda was extremely hard to read. Most people don't try to block out their emotions, and I found it difficult to decode the maze of walls and barriers, trying to find the small flicker of feeling in the endless trenches.

_Emotionless. Indifferent. Nominal. Nuance. Repudiate. Umbrage. Truculent. Boorish. Defamatory._

**Fake.**

I don't think that Kanda realizes that he can't hide behind a mask like I do without it being undetected. True, I let it slide until now, but if I take it down, I'm not sure what I'll find. Will I find a person that actually has a heart somewhere deep inside their souls? Or will I find a clone of myself, dead and wandering around, searching for a purpose for living? Do I really know Yu Kanda at all?

It doesn't take long for me to decide that I wanted to know who it was that I consider my best friend now. As I began wandering through the labyrinth of emotions, I felt like every time I thought that the tiniest radiance was revealed, another fabricated feeling jumped in the way to protect it. A myriad of lies were piling up to block out the offensive force trying to break through, and I think, _Wow, he has better resistance than I thought. How intriguing._

The false emotions kept attacking me, trying to ward me away from their kingdom where the truth lies, but I kept pushing through, desperate to find out what Kanda was so desperately trying to hide. _Desultory. Incorporeal. Penumbra. Arcane. Callous. Enmity. Furtive. Haughty. Hypocrisy._

I caught the microscopic glimmer in the raging ocean that was assaulting me, and I smirk. _Gotcha._

As if Kanda could feel that I had broken through, he stiffened noticeably, but I wasn't letting go as I flipped through his real feelings. _Concern. Demure. Worry. Conflicted. Hesitation. Empathy. Amatory._

_Love._

Once I had crumbled the walls that protected his feelings, I was shocked by how much it was so unlike Kanda. I wanted to look away from the rhapsodic pools, but I kept getting reeled back in like he had chained me. A sensation that I had never experienced in this way before clutched me, tears mixing with the rain water that flowed down my face.

I was trapped.

Internally, I was pulling away, running away from the intensity that was upsetting me so unbelievably much, but I couldn't, ropes cast around my neck and wrists, and I was just being dragged right back into the ocean that was drowning me. The emotional pain that was tearing at me wasn't even my own, but I still wanted to curl up with my razor in order to escape the chaos, and I felt the clutches around my neck clamping down harder. And harder.

Gasps barely were able to pass my lips as I saw my own fear reflected back at me, but I couldn't flee the emotions that were pouring in from the cobalt orbs into mine as I desperately tried to block it out with my own barriers to no avail. The walls around me shattered like the most fragile glass under the force of the waves crashing into me from Kanda's eyes.

_Pain. Sorrow. Inadequate. Inferior. Catastrophic. Mediocre._

_Why aren't I enough?_

"Allen!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Did anyone else slightly tear up? I nearly cried writing this. Sorry about the big words if you don't know them, but I'm trying really hard to expand my vocabulary, and each time I use a word, it's integrated into my mind. Basically, I get bonus points on essays and such. Stupid things. I love big words! And as always, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	12. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, Lavi would have fought Skinn Bolic, and Kanda would have gone through the internal mind battle thing.  
> Got Own?

"Allen!"

I gasp, finding myself in Kanda's arms, and I was soaking wet, but nothing was choking me. No tears. Just Kanda holding me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stroking my sopping wet hair gently, and I broke. Tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed, clutching the bluenette's shirt even though water streamed between my fingers and down my hand, and I choke out, "I'm fine…just…."

"No, moron, you aren't fine. What the heck upset you so much?"

My body began trembling, and I feared my legs would crumple under my weight as I reply, "Your…your eyes."

"My eyes? How did―you know what, tell me later," he muttered before I was lifted into his arms. Kanda carried me back to the training room, and as he did that, I looked up against my better judgment, trying to see his eyes again. They were blocked, but I guess that was a good thing. I don't do well with trauma, but then again, who does?

The samurai left me at my room to change into dry clothes while he went to his for the same reason.

Of course, the first thing I did was search the bathroom for my razor, but I couldn't find it. I looked _everywhere_ , and it still was nowhere to be found. This left only one possible place for it to be.

"Kanda, you jerk," I mutter, sliding to the tiled floor by the bathtub in my fuzzy pajama pants while my bare chest was left out to brace against the cold. I had no will to stand and lie down in my bed. I just wanted to cut! Then I remember….

Smiling, I stand up and dart to my closet, digging around for my suitcase. Once I find it, I grab the Altoids box in the bottom, happy that I had outsmarted Kanda, and I move to the vanity, opening the lid and removing the paper. The tiny razor blade glimmered under the light from the bulbs installed over the mirror, and for a moment I stared at it. The urge to cut was almost unbearably strong, but at the same time, I knew what would happen if I cut.

Kanda was coming back in a few minutes, and even if I gauzed it and wore a long-sleeve shirt, he would know something was up. Not to mention what would happen if he came back before then.

I don't really want to stop cutting. Not at all. But the thought of how angry Kanda would be at me if I were to cut myself right now was enough to make me think twice about it. Biting my lip in frustration, I close the box and walk back to my bed, leaving the tin on the vanity, but I know that I'll only be able to restrain myself for so long. Pulling the blankets over me, I bury my face into my pillow.

_Hurry up, Kanda._

My wish is granted, the door opening, and the bluenette asks, "Why do you look so mad?"

I realize that I was shaking pretty hard, and the part of my face that was showing is set into deep lines. Taking a breath, I point a trembling finger toward the bathroom, "Get the box in there."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

I hear him do what I had said, and when he sits down on the bed, the Altoids tin is in his hand as he asks, "Okay, what do want me to do with it?"

"I don't know," I say, not looking at him. "There's a blade in the bottom."

The ruffling of cloth tells me that he put it in his pocket, and he continues, "Did you hold yourself back?"

Nodding, I mutter, "Yeah. Be happy that I didn't use it, because I really, really wanted to."

My body was no longer trembling, but a shiver went up my spine as I thought about how great the numbness felt when I would drag the blade across my skin, blood slowly welling from the line. Lost in thought, I don't notice when Kanda moves, but I was very much aware of his arms around me, my body stiffening when his skin touches mine. Maybe it was also that he was over me since I was laying on my side, but whatever.

My heartbeat raced as his lips feather-lightly brushed my ear, and he whispered, "I'm proud of you, Allen."

Part of me wanted to push him away, because only Lavi should be in a position like this with me, but the other part, the stronger part, wanted to let Kanda do whatever he desired with me and my body. His breath on my ear is enticing and seductive, causing my body to unconsciously react and heat up in several places, and I wonder what his lips would feel like on mine. I bet they were rough and soft, and his hands were the same way, but I'd never felt them in the way I really wanted to. Quietly, I whisper, "Y-Yu?"

The blankets deserved all my gratitude, because they were hiding the fact that my pants were tightening, and I knew that it was wrong. I'm only supposed to feel this way with my boyfriend, and if I did anything with Kanda, I'd be cheating. No. I'm not a cheater. I will never cheat on someone.

Finally, for my sanity's sake, Kanda pulls away from me, leaning against the wall while I sit up, and he says, "Sorry."

Shaking my head, I say, "No, there's nothing to be sorry for."

"Okay. Are you going to tell me why my eyes made you burst out crying then?" he asks, staring at the door. Bringing my knees to my chest, I reply, "Well, it was…different…?"

"How so? Has that never happened before?"

I shake my head, "No, it hasn't. I've never tried to read someone that tried so desperately to block out their emotions, and I give you credit. You have extraordinary defense skills."

"Is that a compliment?"

"More or less. When I broke it down, your feelings were so strong that I felt trapped, almost mesmerized."

Glancing at me, he asked almost uncertainly, "So what did you figure out about my emotions? Were you able to read me?"

I nod, "Yes, I was. And I'll say this: you should learn that fakes can't fool other fakes. It's like speaking Spanish in Mexico and expecting no one to understand what you're saying."

"What makes you think I'm fake?"

"Really?" I ask. "You know that you are. You act emotionless to get through whatever has got you so conflicted."

"Conflicted, huh?"

"Yes, extremely so. You're upset about something, so you get mad and hide it behind an impassive exterior. You love someone, but someone or something else is keeping you from them, and it makes you feel like you aren't enough."

Staring at me, Kanda asks, "You saw all that in my eyes?"

Nodding, I move closer to him, staring straight into his eyes again, but this time without trying to get through them, "And now I'll ask you: who is it that you love so much?"

He gave me a "you should be put to death for your stupidity" look and says, "I'll tell you who it is if you tell me who's been hurting you."

"Yu!" I exasperatedly exclaim, playfully swatting him on the shoulder. "I just want to know who the girl is!"

Smirking, he says, "You can ask a few questions about her personality that I'll answer."

Brightening, I say, "Okay! Do I know her?"

"Yes, very well actually, but it's not Lenalee."

"Hm…is she pretty?" I continue, lying down with my legs propped against the wall. Nodding, Kanda replies, "Absolutely gorgeous."

"Prettier than you say I am?"

"About the same."

"Wait, then what does she look like?"

"That I can't say, or else you'll know who I'm talking about, Moyashi."

I catch the nickname, but I find that it doesn't bother me that much anymore, and I plea, "Just basic stuff! Please, Yu?"

"Well, she's a pipsqueak even though she's about your age. About knee-high to a grasshopper."

"At least I'm not the only one."

"No, I gave her cute nickname instead."

"What is it?!"

"Nope, not telling. It's Japanese though."

"I don't know Japanese though! Well, I know bean sprout, rabbit, idiot, and a few curse words, but other than that."

"Too bad, not that sad."

"Shut up," I mutter, smacking his leg. "Keep going."

Rolling his eyes, he says, "She's really smart, but she only acts like it half the time."

"That's mean!"

"But it's true. Though, when she acts like that, it doesn't matter if you've had an awful day, because you just have to smile."

"So poetic."

"Shut up."

"Is she an exorcist?"

"I can't tell, because if she is then there are only so many exorcists."

"Yep, she is. You wouldn't fall for a finder as badly as you think of them."

"Okay, no more questions."

"Wait, I still have more!"

"No more pushing then."

Smiling, I say, "Okay, I won't! What kind of music does she like?"

"Hard rock."

"Ooh, really?! What bands?"

"I'm not sure about favorites, but I've heard her listen to Breaking Benjamin and Three Days Grace."

"I wish you'd tell me who it is, because we would be good friends."

"What did I say about pushing?"

"Sorry! What's her personality like?"

Kanda's silent for a moment, seeming to give the question a bit of thought, and he finally answers, "She doesn't think much of herself. And it doesn't help that there's a jerk that she tells a lot to, but he keeps messing up, and it makes her really upset. No one really tells her how much she means to the world except this guy, but she won't listen."

"Why not?"

"She's convinced herself that she's not worth anything, and it really worries me, but I can't do much about it."

"Well, she's wrong! I bet it's this jerk she's in love with, but he isn't helping anything."

"I think she's in love with him, too, but she has a boyfriend, and even though I don't have proof, because she hasn't told me, I think that he's the one that is making her think so badly about herself."

"Wait, I'm confused now, which one is she dating?"

Kanda falls silent again for a moment, but then he continues, "For the sake of your small brain―"

"I resent that comment!"

"―I'm going to call the girl Ally, the jerk that's trying to help her Karou, and the boyfriend Luke. Can you keep up with that?"

"I think so. Luke's the bad one, right?"

"Right. I think that Karou has loved Ally for a really long time, but he just doesn't really know how to tell her, even though she seems to feel the same way. Several months ago, Luke asked Ally out, but after she accepted, she's been acting different than she used to, and Karou has been trying to help her."

"If he's trying to help, why is he a jerk?"

"Well, you know how I said that he loves her, but doesn't know how to say it?"

I nod.

"Okay, whenever he tries to help, most the time he upsets her, because he doesn't want her to find out about it."

"That's stupid! Ally isn't dumb enough to think that Karou's not in love with her, right?"

"I said she has a good brain, but generally doesn't use it."

"Still. And besides, what's Karou doing to make Ally upset all the time?"

"Karou is even more stupid than Ally at this point, because he tends to say stuff to cheer her up when she's upset, but then says something counterproductive afterwards."

"Like what?"

"I was walking by her room one day, and Karou was leaving her after saying that she was disgusting."

"I agree. He's a freaking jerk! How can anyone do something that cold-hearted?"

"I ask myself the same thing all the time."

"Did he ever apologize?"

"Yes. Luke made Karou go back a few hours later, but Ally was still extremely upset."

"What did Karou do?"

"I don't know everything, Moyashi."

Sighing, I snag my pillow from the head of the bed and place it under my head, "I feel bad for Ally. She shouldn't have to deal with all of that. If I was her, I would dump Luke and start dating Karou, even if he is a jerk."

"Really? Why is that?" Kanda asked, watching at me interestedly. Looking away from his gaze, I say, "Well, if Luke is that mean to her, he obviously doesn't love her. Karou just needs to get sense. I mean, he definitely loves her, but there's no point in trying to love her from afar."

"What would you suggest to Karou for admitting his love for Ally then? I'm curious to see how you would handle it."

Thinking for a moment, I reply, "I can't speak for Karou because I feel like a girl myself. But as far as Ally goes, if I was her, I'd want Karou to do something really sweet and considerate to show he cares, even if he doesn't admit anything. If she's into music, he could sing if he has a good voice, or if she likes nature, he could take her on a walk for a few hours. Since Ally seems to not like herself, he could make a list of reasons why she's unique and why he likes her. Karou needs to grow a pair and do something instead of standing on the sidelines. Apologies for language."

Kanda rolls his eyes, "Apologies for language? Really?"

"Don't judge, just hush. Ooh, I made a funny! Judge and hush sort of rhyme, right?" I giggle. Raising an eyebrow, the bluenette says, "I'm going to regret this, but what's a 'funny'?"

Tilting my head, I try to think of a way to explain it and respond, "Well, I guess it's when you make two words rhyme without meaning to."

Smirking, he says, "So if you came in my room and annoyed me, and I said, 'get out, bean sprout', that would be a funny?"

"You aggravate me, but yes, that's the main idea," I mutter, unhappy with being called a bean sprout. At least when he labeled me as Moyashi not everybody knew what he was talking about.

"Anyways, I think Karou should heed your advice."

"Wait, are you going to tell him?"

"I'll tell him that an anonymous friend of mine was talking about it."

A comfortable silence fell over the room for several minutes before I asked, "Yu?"

"What is it?"

"You just said that I was a friend of yours."

"I know that."

Smiling, I continue, "That makes me happy. Are you ever going to tell me who any of the people are?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You know all of them very well, so if I told you one person, you'd know everyone. All I'll say is that there's only one love triangle going on at the Order, you know about it whether you realize it or not."

Pouting, I say, "Yu! What kind of answer is that?!"

"It's not."

"So mean to me," I murmur, sitting up and placing my pillow on Kanda's lap before getting comfortable. After I had pulled some of the comforter over me, I lay my head on my pillow, the smell of jasmine and lavender mixing with autumn woods, and when I nuzzle my face into his stomach, the samurai asks, "May I assist you, parasite?"

"Yes, the parasite says you can stay there while it sleeps."

"And if I don't want a parasite sleeping on me?"

"You can suck it up and stay still anyways," I mumble, not really caring as he rearranges us, and we end up lying with my back to his chest, strong arms protecting me.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Karou doesn't fall asleep until much later, too preoccupied with holding Ally in his arms as she snoozes, her head of pure white hair resting on his shoulder.

The samurai knew that Ally was oblivious to the story he had just told about Allen, Kanda, and Lavi, but he still wondered sometimes if she had figured out his feelings for her. Karou couldn't be sure if the whitette felt the same way, but he knew that it would take a lot of time for her to acknowledge them. The story made Karou feel like he was doing something right, and now he knew what Ally would like for him to do, but at the same time, he didn't know if she liked nature. Singing wasn't happening. Karou would kill himself before he sang in front of anyone, even if his voice wasn't half bad.

Sometimes, Karou wondered just how clueless one could be. A part of him knew that he probably could have said that Allen had short, white hair and that his left arm was an anti-akuma weapon, and Ally still wouldn't have understood the connection.

The bluenette couldn't help but feel like he achieved something though tonight. Even though Karou described 'Kanda' as a jerk, Ally still said that 'Allen' should date him instead of 'Lavi', and that means that part of her wanted to date Karou instead of Luke, right? And if not, he would continue to believe it until Ally said otherwise.

Maybe Karou could gain something by telling these stories to the angel girl he was currently holding. It wouldn't hurt to continue to tell Ally about Allen and Kanda's relationship. Something good could come from it.

Pressing his lips to the teen's crown, Karou whispered, "Goodnight, Allen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: So? That was the very first time in the history of my ability to put pencil to paper/fingers to keyboard that I have ever written in third-person. Any good? I'm going to continue writing in first-person, but do you like that last bit, because I was thinking of adding those at the end of chapters sometimes? I want to hear from you, so please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	13. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, Krory would look way different.

"I hate mirrors," I mutter, pulling on my shirt.

"Did you say something, Moyashi?" Kanda asked, walking into the bathroom and leaning against the doorframe. Turning away from my reflection, I shake my head, "No."

When I try to walk past him, he held out his arm, blocking my path, and he says, "You said something. What was it?"

Ducking under the obstacle, I make my way to the door and after Kanda and I begin walking to the cafeteria for breakfast, I finally admit, "I said that I hate mirrors."

"And why is that?" he asked.

"Yu," I begin, "you can tell me I'm beautiful and stuff as much as you want, and believe me, I love it when you do, but I still don't see myself that way. Besides, the only opinion I'm getting is yours."

The cafeteria is nearly in sight when the bluenette asks out of the blue, "Do you have any plans today?"

"Um, not that I know of. I guess I just had planned that I would train or something with you. Lavi's on a mission in Brazil anyways, so he's not going to be back for several weeks depending on how long it takes to find the Innocence. Why?" I reply. I spot Lenalee sitting alone at our normal table towards the back of the cafeteria, and I wave, earning a smile from the pigtailed girl. Kanda stops walking and says, "Go get your food. I'll talk to you later."

Pouting, I protest, "But Yu―!"

The samurai was already walking toward Lenalee, who smiled widely and said something, and as I waited for my food, I kept looking back at them. The girl had gone from chipper and smiling to dead serious, nodding every now and then, and when I finally get my food, I'm more than happy to join the conversation that apparently stopped as soon as I showed up.

I set down my dozen plates, and with that, Kanda nodded to Lenalee and began to walk toward the hall, but I called, "Yu! Where are you going?"

The cafeteria goes silent, not even a murmur to be heard as I realize that Kanda had told me not to call him by his first name in public, and I, like everyone else, await a blood bath. It never happens.

"Just stay with Lenalee for awhile, Moyashi," he said over his shoulder, and then he proceeded to exit the cafeteria. Once he was gone, the noise increased tenfold, probably rumors and suspicions being passed around, and I nonchalantly sat down, shoveling food into the gaping pit I call my mouth.

"Allen, did Kanda just let you call him by his given name?" Lenalee asked, taking a bite of her salad.

"Yeah, why?" I ask, moving to my third plate. Shrugging, she says, "Just seemed weird."

"Okay," I say. "What was he talking to you about?"

Smiling innocently, she replies, "He told me that you're really flexible and that I needed to train with you."

"Oh," I mumble, my eating rate dropping slightly. I guess I expected it to be something else since they were acting so secret about it, but I'm not really sure what I thought that something else was.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

As Karou waited for a finder girl finish writing, he glanced at the clock, finding it to be noon. The girl smiled, handing him the papers, "Here you go, Kanda."

The bluenette nodded his thanks to the blonde, beginning to make his way back to the cafeteria.

Karou was quite happy with the results of his little endeavor. For the past two hours after Lila had agreed to keep Ally busy until four, he'd been asking whoever he came across to write down words that came to mind when they thought of Ally Walker, and the next person was going to have to continue onto the fourth page. Granted, the samurai couldn't help but growl when girls would write down things like _sexy, smoking hot,_ and _delicious_ , but he guessed it would get the point across. Hailing the next person he saw, Karou waited for the person to finish writing down whatever it was, though it wasn't particularly helpful that the dude was also writing down adjectives like _smexy_.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"I am so tired!" I exclaim, flopping down on Lenalee's bed next to her. She giggles, "You've gotten better since the last time I trained with you!"

Glancing at her, I ask, "It's not been that long, has it?"

Whacking me playfully on the shoulder, she nods, "Allen, the last time we sparred together was your birthday, remember?"

"Right! Because all I wanted for my birthday was to have a sleepover with you, so we trained first and came back here later," I say. Laughing, she continues, "Yeah, and in the middle of the night, Brother found out and sent a Sir Komlin to destroy you, because he had one too many glasses of brandy."

Grimacing, I say, "Yes, and I was terrified that that machine was going to castrate me."

"You have to admit though, it was a fun birthday!" she laughed. "But really, you need to spend the night again. I never get to see you anymore!"

I smile, "Sounds good. Consider it a late birthday present Miss April Fools."

"Hey, it's not fun! Anytime I tell someone that it's my birthday, they think I'm trying to trick them!"

"I know how you feel. People think that I'm trying to get more presents when I say my birthday's on Christmas."

"Isn't Lavi's birthday coming up in the next few months? June?"

I tilt my head in confusion before I correct, "No, Lavi's birthday is in August. Kanda's is June sixth."

Blushing from embarrassment, Lenalee says, "I knew that! I was just testing you!"

"Right."

"Oh, shush, Moyashi!"

"Lenalee!"

"That's what you get."

Silence falls over us for about three seconds before we both break out laughing. Lenalee has been my best friend since I got to the Order, but ever since I started dating Lavi, he's been really possessive and he would easily get jealous. He wanted me to start spending a lot less time with her, not to mention how badly he went off on me when I suggested having a slumber party with her back in February.

"What time is it?" Lenalee asked through her laughter, and I glance at the clock before answering nearly four. With that being said, the pigtailed girl began pulling me out the door, not caring that I was resisting.

"Okay, here," she said, handing me a bar of soap once we get to my room. I was slightly tempted to sniff my armpits, but refrained, instead asking, "Do I really smell that bad?"

Shaking her head, she giggled, "No, silly! Read the label."

This I did, and then I smiled. All-natural, jasmine and lavender flavored soap, and I glance up at her, "Aren't I supposed to give you a gift?"

"No, you already got me that skirt in March, remember? Actually, Brother went overboard with presents this year, _again_ , and he got this super expensive set of soaps. There were, like, a dozen of them, and when I saw this one, I thought of you. Besides, I can't rock lavender like you can," she explained.

"Thanks, I think," I say, opening my door. Smiling, Lenalee says, "Your welcome. By the way, you should probably put it in your bathroom as soon as you get it. Wouldn't want to lose it, right?"

"Right. See you at dinner, Lenalee!" I wave before closing the door. The soap's fragrance was already filling the room, even though it was still in a clear casing. Taking a deep breath, I savor the superfluous scent, walking toward the bathroom, and I purposely don't look at the mirror, setting the bar of soap on the edge of the tub.

Let's see, I still had a good two hours before dinner, so I could take a shower, but then I'd have to redo my makeup. Pathetic. My bruises on my face still hadn't completely faded a week and a half after the last time Lavi lost his temper. I finally settle on sleeping and move back toward my bedroom, but something bright red catches my attention. Turning my head, I stare at my bathroom mirror, eyes widening as tears of felicity pool at the edges of them.

All over the mirror in red and blue marker there were words. But not just any words. Ones that I would never describe myself as. At the very top of the mirror in alternating colors, _ALLEN WALKER IS:_ was written across the glass, and in the middle, _BEAUTIFUL_ was also written in switching colors, other adjectives surrounding it.

 _Pretty. Angelic. Sexy. Cute. Wish I was that hot. Smoking. Friendly. Always smiling. Never stops laughing. Irresistible. Edible and I would eat him. Sweet as can be. Drool-worthy. Bubbly. Radiant. Peace-maker. Should totally rock a leather jacket with his skinny jeans. I want to be his girlfriend. Delicious. Constantly diligent._ And tons more.

"Are you convinced yet?"

I turn around, tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks, and in the doorway, Kanda stood, holding a pack of papers. Sniffling, I ask, "What is all this?"

Walking up directly in front of me, the bluenette spins me around to face the mirror again, arms secured around my chest, and he says, "Well, you said that you hated mirrors. I wanted to change that."

"So you wrote these things on it?"

"True, I wrote them, but I only came up with the words in blue. How many of those do you see?" he whispers, and I mentally count them. Relaxing in his arms, I reply, "Five."

"Right. The other fifty in red are the most popular words of choice from everyone else."

"Everyone else?"

Holding the papers in front of me, Kanda said, "Here. Seventeen pages of words that people described you as that I took the liberty of collecting."

"You didn't make this up?" I ask, shakily taking the pack and flipping through it.

"Look at the handwriting. Mine is on the mirror."

Kanda's writing was in cursive, flowing evenly before ending in a sharp point. Some of the words on the papers were like that, too, but some were choppy print, bubble letters, doodle-like, and even someone wrote _elegant_ in Spanish. No one could pull off so many different styles with their own hand.

More tears fell from my eyes as I pull away from Kanda and walk into my room, wiping away the rivers so I could see what I was doing as I dug through my desk drawers. I finally find the box of push pins I had had for several years, and I begin pressing the paper to the wall before stabbing them.

After I had hung all the papers, I turn to see that Kanda had managed to pin up a poster above my bed somehow without me noticing, and I stared at it. It wasn't really a poster; it was a painting on rolled canvas. The painting starred a white Bengal tiger with blue-silver eyes walking through the snow, and the background had a mountain with a setting sun. My favorite though? The fact that in the fiery sky, there were ice-blue letters spelling _YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL._

"Where did you get this?" I ask, staring in awe before I noticed the signature.

"Tiedoll had this painted for a while, but he never did anything with it, so when I asked him to write that on it, he didn't have any problem with it," Kanda said, sitting on the bed. "It's actually relatively old. He had already painted it when I became his apprentice, and I used to really like it. Whenever I would get angry, I would take this painting out of his studio and stare at it while meditating."

Not giving him any warning, I launch myself into his arms, knocking him down on his back on the bed, and I feel even more tears pour from my eyes. Holding me and stroking my hair softly, the bluenette asks, "What are you?"

"I'm beautiful," I whisper, crying so much that I think that I could flood the Order. It was going to take a while for me to integrate it into my mind, but for now, saying that it is enough. I wouldn't have been able to do that yesterday. Or fifteen minutes ago for that matter.

"Exactly," Kanda said. One of his hands moved to reach for his pocket, and I watched him pull out my mp3 player. How he got it? I may never know.

"And I took the liberty of also downloading this," he continued, flipping through my songs until he finally stopped it on a song I hadn't ever heard before.

My music device sang, "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do ever feel, feel so paper thin like a house of cards one blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screens where no one seems to hear a thing. Did you know that there's still a chance for you? Because there's a spark in you. You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine. Just own the night like the Fourth of July.

"Because, baby, you're a firework! Come on, show them what your worth! Make them go 'aw, aw, aw' as you shoot across the sky-y-y. Baby, you're a firework! Come on, let your colors burst! Make them go 'aw, aw, aw'. You're gonna leave them all in awe, awe, awe!

"You don't have to feel like a wasted space. You're original, cannot be replaced. If you only knew what the future holds. After a hurricane, comes a rainbow. Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you can open one that leads you to the perfect home. Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time, you'll know. You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine. Just own the night like the Fourth of July.

"Because, baby, you're a firework! Come on, show them what your worth! Make them go 'aw, aw, aw' as you shoot across the sky-y-y. Baby, you're a firework! Come on, let your colors burst! Make them go 'aw, aw, aw'. You're gonna leave them all in awe, awe, awe!"

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Karou really hoped that Ally's tears were a good thing, because if they weren't, he was going to feel like a serious jerk for making her cry. The song, "Firework" by Katy Perry, finished shortly after, but the whitette continued to cry. For a while, the samurai wasn't even sure she was going to stop, but she did eventually, whispering, "Thank you so much, Yu."

"You're welcome, Allen," he replied. Looking up, Ally says, "You called me by my name."

"Sorry to disappoint, _Moyashi_ ," Karou chuckled, and the girl whacked him on the shoulder. Pouting, she asks, "Will you do it again?"

Shaking his head, the bluenette says, "Nope. You are forever Moyashi."

"Only your Moyashi," Ally muttered, and then she blushed furiously. "No! I didn't me―!"

"So you're my Moyashi now?" he teased as she buried her blazing face in his shoulder.

"BaKanda," she growled.

"My Baka Moyashi."

"Shut up!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Short chapter! Oh no! Hehe, it's making up for the last two longer ones. Actually, I came up with this chapter idea last night when I couldn't go to sleep, but when I turned on the light, imagine my surprise when I noticed a bat flying around! It was so cute! If you disagree and think bats are ugly, you are WRONG! And as always, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	14. Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, I would make sure that there were more accessories for fans to buy.

The tenseness in my muscles seems to melt away as I sink my body down into the steaming water in my bathtub. The smell of lavender and jasmine wafted around me from the soap Lenalee had given me, and I had only shaved off a tiny piece to suds up my bath. It was bubble mania! Not that I'm complaining.

It's been a week since Kanda wrote all those words on my mirror, and they were still there, brightening my day every time I so much as glanced at them.

Sighing contently, I rub the thick bubbles over my chest and shoulders, and it helps me relax even more, the aching in my muscles finally beginning to ease. I need to leave myself a note on my hand or something that reminds me not to train with Kanda for five consecutive hours without a break, not to mention the fact that I hadn't used my flexibility to its full potential in over a year, and that was when I was training with Fou to get my arm back.

Kanda's been spending most of his time with me. I mean, he even sleeps in here, my bedroom not the bathroom, with me most nights, but I'm not complaining. It makes me feel loved, and it helped that Lavi hadn't been here for two weeks. Though, the redhead will probably be returning soon.

_Knock, knock, knock._

Pulling the shower curtain so that everything below my chest was covered, I call, "Come in!"

"Oi, Moyashi, I thought you didn't needed makeup an―"

The bluenette stops when he sees that I'm in the bath and obviously not applying my makeup, and I say, "I'm covered; what is it?"

"Should I come back later? I was going to walk you to the cafeteria for dinner, but…" he trails off, clearly forcing himself to stare into my eyes for some reason unbeknownst to me. Shaking my head, I smile, "No, it's fine. I like having you around. Makes me feel relaxed."

Rolling his eyes, Kanda sits across from the tub, leaning back against the divider of the vanity and toilet, and I lay my head back, sinking deeper into the water with my eyes closed.

"So this is the reason you smell like a girl all the time."

"Shut up, BaKanda," I mutter. "You never had a problem with it until now, Mister Autumn Woods."

"So you pay attention to the soap I use," he says, and by the way he pronounces it, I'm fairly certain he's smirking like the arrogant jerk he is. Most of the time.

"Kind of hard not to when I have my face in your chest half the time."

"And the Moyashi admits he likes it."

"You never push me away, either, so you can't say anything," I exhale, blushing slightly from the heat. Wait, the heat that's coming from the water! Nothing else! It has nothing to do with Kanda almost being able to see me naked! Well, maybe it has a little to do with that…no, it doesn't!

Step one to insanity: argue with yourself. Check.

Step two to insanity: argue with yourself and _lose_. Check. Okay, that's a bit scary.

The samurai doesn't reply, and I turn my head to look at him, raising an eyebrow quizzically. He had his long-haired head resting against the wall, his face blank and eyes closed, and I smiled at how comfortable and lax he was around me. Did I achieve something? Maybe.

Even though it was comfortable, I still couldn't stand the silence. At all. So I asked, "Has anything happened to Ally lately?"

Kanda opens one eye in confusion, but then closes it again, nodding, "Yeah, she likes herself a lot more now, or at least that's what I heard from Karou."

"How well do you know Karou? You seem to know a lot about him," I observe. Smirking for some reason, the bluenette says, "I know him quite well. Now that I think about it, probably a little bit better than you know Ally."

Aggravation sets in as I ask, "Yu, are you _ever_ going to tell me who Ally is?"

"I'm not sure. You'll probably figure it out before I tell you."

"Is it that easy to guess?" I question, feeling stupid when he nods. Sighing, I plead, "Can you give me a hint?! Please? Maybe tell me more about her?"

His eyes still closed, Kanda says, "The answer is right in front of you, but you just look too hard."

"So it's a couple that I see a lot?"

He doesn't reply, and I begin to rack my brain for exorcists that were together. It was impossible to figure out! Unless….

"Yu, you don't like Miranda, do you?" I ask, realization hitting me. Of course! Kanda stares at me like I had just asked if he had a vagina before he sighs, "What makes you think that?"

Rubbing a sore spot on my right bicep, I explain, "Well, isn't Miranda dating a finder?"

"How should I know that?"

"I'm pretty sure that the whole Order knows Marie likes her a lot, and he's your brother―"

"Foster brother."

"―so it would make sense!" I finish, very happy that I was able to figure it out. Though, Kanda still was gazing at me in astonishment, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe because I decoded everything? Shaking his head, he finally says, "The Baka Moyashi is losing brain cells as I speak."

Pouting, I protest, "I am not! I had a good guess!"

"Not really."

"Shut up," I mutter, flicking water droplets at him, and he glares at me as if I'd poured acid on him. I mean, he can be really scary sometimes!

But not as scary as Lavi's face when he opens the door. He glares at Kanda before furiously yelling, "What the heck do you think you're doing in here?!"

"Lavi, it's fine! I'm cove―"

"Shut up, freaking moron! I'm not talking to you!" he boomed, and I shrink back, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Kanda had long since stood up, but when the redhead shouted at me, his expression went from calm to homicidal.

"Don't you dare talk to him that way," the bluenette growled, his stance making him look like he was defending me if something tried to attack. Moving to stand nose-to-nose with samurai, Lavi says equally as vindictively, "And if I do? He's my boyfriend, not yours, so you can get your vile self out of here."

Glowering, Kanda whispers something before taking his leave, ramming his shoulder into my boyfriend's, and I hear my bedroom door slam shut. I'm not going to lie. Watching Kanda, my only hope, walk out the door has now left me terrified, shaking so badly that vibrations were sent through the water as Lavi faced me, lividly staring at me while I trembled.

"So you lied when you told me you didn't cheat?!"

Shaking my head, I quickly explain, "No, Lavi! I swear on Mana's grave, I was just talking to him!"

The next sentence I had in mind never left my mouth, the redhead's hand around my throat preventing me from speaking.

_I'm falling in the black, slipping through the cracks._

Breath refused to fill my lungs as Lavi lifted my body from the tub by my neck, and I spasm, clawing at his iron-like grip so that I could inhale. The relief is only momentary as my boyfriend flings me into the bedroom, my back feeling like it was shattering.

_Falling to the depths. Can I ever come back?_

I clamp my eyes shut as he strikes me across the face, but this has happened so many times that I knew that he was wearing that sadistic grin he always did when he hit me. It was nothing new to me.

_Dreaming of the way it used to be._

Through cracked eyelids, I see the mirror in the bathroom while pain surges through me, and I can imagine a stoic face that never ceased to brighten almost unnoticeably when its owner was around me. _Kanda…help…._

_Can you hear me?_

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Sunlight in my room. The smell of roses. Bruises covering me head to toe. But luckily, Lavi didn't have sex with me last night. I passed out before we could.

Even so, I felt disgusted with myself, and I sat up, my body aching. The clock read one in the afternoon, and it really didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was that Kanda hadn't come ye―

"Moyashi!"

Never mind.

"Yu, I really don't want to do anything right now. Can we train after dinner, or something?" I ask, my voice not giving away my pain, but when Kanda didn't object, I knew that I must have sounded desperate. Grumbling about idiots, the samurai replied, "I'll come back at five, and I'll break down the door if needed."

"Thank you," I say after I heard him walk away. Four hours. I had four hours to take a shower, put on my make-up, and figure out an excuse to tell Kanda, because he can tell when I'm wearing cosmetics.

After my shower, I spend the next two hours lying in bed, fabricating a new excuse since the bluenette has heard almost every other one I had, and I settle on clumsiness. Come on, give me a break! I've used every other one!

Even with the writing on the mirror didn't help the condescending words that were internally attacking me as I stared at my reflection. Luckily, none of my wounds reopened, but my chest was black and purple, both cheeks matching as well as the left side of my jaw, and I don't even want to describe the shape and color of my neck.

It takes several minutes to cover the shameful markings before I was ready to go to dinner, and I quietly wait on my bed for a certain bluenette to arrive.

"Moyashi, come on!"

Smiling, I hop up and open the door, "Hi!"

"Yeah, whatev―"

Kanda cuts himself short as he pushes me back into my room, shutting the door and pinning me to it, and I squirm in his grip, trying to free my hands from his as he holds them above my head. When our chests touch though, I stop and ask, "What are you doing, Yu?"

"Why are you wearing makeup?" he questions bluntly, staring me in the eyes until I finally look away.

"Come on, you know how clumsy I am! Does it surprise you that I tripped getting out of the tub last night?" I cheerfully reply, gluing a plastic smile to my face. Even though he obviously didn't buy my excuse, Kanda releases me silently, leading me toward the cafeteria, but when the doors come into sight, he turns the corner instead, heading in the direction of the Science Division. Tilting my head, I ask, "Where are you going?"

"I'll see you in the cafeteria. I've got to check something, but go ahead and get your food," he answered, not looking back, but I wasn't going to listen to that. So being the cunning person I am when no one is looking, I follow him silently, being careful to keep plenty of distance between us, and I'm slightly surprised when he vanishes into Komui's office.

Pressing my ear to the door when I get close enough, I listen carefully, trying to figure out what they were talking about since I missed the first part of the conversation.

"Komui, you have to do something!" a deep voice growled, and that didn't leave a doubt in my mind that it was Kanda. Another voice, probably Komui, answered, "I can't do anything unless Allen comes forward and admits it."

 _Admit it? Does Kanda think I committed some sort of crime?_ I wonder, listening harder.

"I told you a month ago that he was acting weird, and if you had taken a look at his body two weeks ago, you would agree!"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I went to check on him and some jerk had abused him!"

"Abused?"

"I've seen it enough to know that someone whipped him over fifty times. Some even required stitches, and there was a bruise around his neck where he was choked with it, too."

"Kanda, I want to help as much as you do, but I can't do anything unless Allen tells me that someone has done that to him," Komui said, obviously upset by this information. "Do you think you know who did it?"

I could feel Kanda's hatred emanating through the door as he growls, "Lavi came back last night, and when he saw that I was with Allen while the sprout was in the bath, he flipped out."

"And?"

"Moyashi is wearing makeup again today after not needing it for several days. Supposedly he was clumsy and tripped when he got out of the tub."

Komui let out an exasperated sigh, "I still can't keep Lavi and Allen apart. You need to do something to get Allen to confess that Lavi is hitting him."

"Why can't you do anything?"

"The law here is like anywhere else. Technically, there is no domestic violence if the victim won't speak of it. It's the same as rape or assault."

Unfortunately for me, that's when Kanda decides that he wants to storm out, and I'm hardly able to move five feet before the bluenette sees me.

"Moyashi! I thought I told you to―"

"Jerk!" I yell as I ram him into the wall, holding him there with my furious gaze. "You had no right to do that!"

Glaring back at me, he says more calmly, "So you decided to eavesdrop on Komui and me?"

"Don't change the subject! What makes you think that Lavi is hurting me?!"

"I find it relatively obvious."

"Well, you're wrong! Lavi loves me, and if it's so obvious, why are you the only one who supposedly notices?!"

Moving so I was against the wall instead, Kanda pins me there, holding each of my wrists to either side of my hips, "I'm the only one you've let in."

Biting back a scream of frustration, I growl, "And that was a mistake that I should have noticed before something like this happened."

Leaning closer, Kanda whispers in my ear, "You think it was a mistake? Does that mean you regret the times you've slept in my arms? Or the times that I've supported you when you were weak?"

"It means that if I hadn't let you in, I wouldn't be about to cut myself," I say, breaking away from him and running back to my room. I ignore Kanda's yelling from behind me, trying to flee his quick footsteps that would catch me sooner or later.

Locking the door behind me, I dig out the first aid kit from under the sink, disregarding the angry banging on the door as I pull out the scalpel.

Should I feel guilty as I slice my skin, watching the blood ooze out? Even for me, are four cuts a lot? Am I supposed to be pressing gauze to the heavily bleeding wounds?

Is it a good thing when the door bursts open just as I fall to the floor in a small puddle of blood, unconscious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Cliffhangers! You gotta love them! If you have a theory about what's going to happen, please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Falling Inside the Black-Skillet.


	15. Research

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, there would be more Komui moments.  
> Got Own?

My eyes felt heavy as I woke up, and I had to struggle to open them. When did I lie down on a bed in the infirmary? Glancing around, I notice bandages on my right arm over where I had cut, and a needle and tube were inserted on the same appendage higher up.

"Finally awake," a voice says beside me. To my surprise, Kanda was sitting in a plastic chair next to my bed, an open book in his hands, and I ask, "What happened?"

Taking a short glimpse at me, the samurai replies, "You passed out from anemia, and I brought you here. Be happy Marie is your blood type."

"Wait," I say, sitting up, "you mean I had to have a transfusion?!"

"Yes, moron, that's exactly what I mean. Lavi is on a mission, so he couldn't contribute, and neither Lenalee nor I are blood type O."

Staring at my lap, I say, "I'm sorry."

Scoffing, Kanda growls, "No, you aren't."

"Yes, I am!"

"Then why do it?"

I don't reply, because the next thing I heard was, "Allen! You're awake!"

Looking at the door, I see Lenalee running towards me, worry and happiness written all over her face. When she gets to my bed, she says, "Are you feeling okay? Are you nauseous? Do you have a headache?"

"Lenalee, I'm fine! Really," I assure, giving her a smile.

"Brother told me that Kanda carried you here after you had a training accident, and I was so worried! You should be more careful around the woods. There's glass, obviously!" she chided, gesturing to my arm.

Training accident? Glass? Confusion set in until I realize one thing. Kanda lied about where my cuts came from to protect me. Kanda protected me, not to mention the fact that he gotten his brother to give blood for my transfusion.

"Right, I'll be more careful next time!" I say. Nodding, Lenalee continued, "Lavi was really worried, too. He almost forced the Order to let him board another train to come back to see you."

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Glancing at Kanda later on that night, I ask, "Shouldn't you go back to your room and get some sleep? I mean, you don't have to stay."

"I know I don't have to stay. Are you trying to run me off?" he replied, looking away from his book. Shaking my head quickly, I say, "No! Nothing like that, but I thought…aren't you…mad at me?"

Closing the book in his hand, the bluenette sets it on the nightstand and moves his chair to the edge of the left side of the bed, taking my black hand in both of his as he looked at me, "Listen. I wasn't mad at you. I've never been mad at you."

"B-But you always yell at me and stuff," I murmur, looking down at our clasped hands.

"It wasn't anger. Not really. I have a tendency to act like that when I'm frustrated and…worried. Getting mad at you would be counterproductive, and I don't want you to think that I don't care," he says slowly, and I was shocked. Kanda just admitted that he cared about me―and a lot, for that matter.

"Ka―Yu, why didn't you tell the nurse and Lenalee the truth?"

His thumb gently rubbed circles into the back of my hand, and he answers, "It wasn't my place to tell them. Besides, I didn't want you to regret trusting me even more."

For a moment, I simply sit there, processing his words carefully before, still not looking at him, I say, "I didn't mean it. Really, I didn't. And Lavi isn't hurting me, so when you brought it up, it made me feel like you didn't trust me."

"And as much as I want to, you know that I don't believe that."

"I know, and you don't have to. All you have to do is stay out of that part of my life," I say.

"Why won't you let me protect you?" Kanda asks, using a hand on my cheek to direct my gaze to his. Firmly holding my ground, I stare into his eyes and reply, "I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself."

"If you can take care of yourself, why are you shaking?" he asks, and I realize that I was doing just that. Trembles were surging through my body, and even his hand was shaking from the tremors of my body. Since the tube was out of my arm now, I roll over to face him, but shrug out of his grasp, pulling the blankets over me completely. Through the sheet, I could make out Kanda's silhouette, and he says, "I can't help you if you won't tell me, but I won't force you."

Peeking out of the blankets, I see him move the chair back to its original position before beginning to read his book again, and I ask, "How long have I been unconscious?"

"Since I brought you here."

"Which was?"

"This is your third night."

I was slightly caught off guard by the answer, but I continue, "Yu?"

"Hm?"

Bringing the sheet over my nose shyly, I peer at him curiously, "How long have you been here?"

Glancing at me momentarily before looking back at his book, he's silent for a moment. I was about to repeat the question, but he replies, "Other than the time I took to eat and bathe, the whole time."

Staring at him in astonishment, I ask, "Y-You have?"

"Shut up and sleep, Moyashi," he growled, but I knew he wasn't ticked, just slightly embarrassed. Smiling widely, I whisper, "Goodnight, Yu."

"Che," was the closest thing to an answer I got, but I still felt better. I wasn't alone, because Kanda was here, protecting me, and that made me feel safe.

Just as sleep was about to claim me, I felt a large, warm hand in my hair, followed by Kanda whispering, "Goodnight, Allen. Why won't you tell me what's wrong? Why won't you let me help you? Baka Moyashi, you're so narrow-minded sometimes."

 _Narrow-minded?_ I repeat mentally, wanting to ask him what he meant, but I was stopped when I felt rough lips on my forehead for several seconds. My heartbeat raced as the bluenette pulled away, taking his hand with him, and I hear the click of the lamp being switched off.

Did Kanda just _kiss_ me while he thought I was asleep? Silently, I crack open my eyes, finding the samurai to be lying in the empty bed next to me, and he turns his back to my bed. Smiling, I try to go back to sleep. It was a dream.

Yeah, a really, really good dream.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

Karou walked silently through the towering shelves, eyes darting around for a book he wanted in the mental health section, and he finally found exactly what he needed.

He glanced at the back of the book by the title of "Signs of Abuse and How to Help". It covered domestic violence, self-harm, emotional abuse, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and even suicide warnings.

Ally was in her room, having been there since she was released from the infirmary early this morning, and Karou had promised to take her to lunch which was in about an hour.

Sitting in a fluffy chair, Karou opened the book, flipping through the different sections, and he carefully read the advice and reactions. Maybe he couldn't stop all the crap that was happening with Ally, but he could certainly help.

Unfortunately, the more he read, the more he realized that the whitette hadn't been eating very much. And Karou had noticed that his toothpaste seemed to be running out a lot more quickly than a normal person's.

 _Oh gosh, don't tell me he has purging anorexia!?_ The samurai internally screamed, trying to find something to convince him otherwise. His eyes found the sentence that said that people who purge generally have unusually wide necks, and he skeptically eyed it, but decided to look into it.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

"Come on, Moyashi," Kanda grunted as I hastily applied my makeup, trying to ignore his oddly attentive gaze. Looking at him through the mirror, I ask, "Can you please wait by the door?"

Raising an eyebrow at me, the bluenette moved from where he had been leaning against the doorframe, propping himself with one hand against the vanity, and he lightly takes my wrist, pulling my hand away from my face, "Why do you want me to do that?"

Averting my gaze from his, I mutter, "You always look aggravated when I put on my makeup, and I don't like to think that you're disapproving of it."

"Why do you care about my opinion?" he asked, slowly releasing my wrist, and I begin on my foundation again. Blushing, I stammer, "Well, I…I guess that… um…."

"Spit it out!"

Under his harsh gaze and annoyed voice, I blurt, "I respect your opinion!"

Eyes widening, I quickly busy myself with my powder after I finish the first step, avoiding Kanda's slightly aghast expression, but then he snaps out of it, continuing to look indifferent as he told me to hurry up, walking back into my bedroom. It doesn't take long for me to finish, and since we were going to train after lunch, I slip a box of strong breath mints into my pocket.

When Kanda and I get to the cafeteria, the line was relatively short, which made me happy as I ordered my dozen plates of food, and in less than five minutes, the bluenette and I sat down at our usual table towards the back of the dining room. Lenalee hadn't come yet, and Lavi was on another mission.

"Hey, Kanda, Allen!"

I turn around while Kanda just looks forward, finding Reever walking towards us quickly, and he says, "Komui wants to see the two of you when you're done eating. It's about a mission."

We nod simultaneously, watching the blond man walk out of the cafeteria, and I turn back to my food, eating quickly. Granted, I could easily eat double this amount, but the more I eat, the more I vomit, and the thought didn't exactly encourage such behavior. Glancing up at Kanda, I find the older teen to be lost in thought as he eats his soba, staring at the space between us absently, and I ask, "Yu?"

"Hm?" he replies somewhat distantly, not looking at me.

"Are you okay?"

This catches his attention, and he moves his gaze up to mine, "Yeah, I was just thinking."

"About?" I press curiously, finishing my food. Sighing, Kanda says, "I'm worried about Ally."

Now it was my attention that was grabbed, "What happened?"

"Well," he begins, "Karou told me that he thinks she has an eating disorder."

This girl was so much like me it was scary, but I mean, I don't have an eating disorder, do I? Maybe I didn't eat much anymore and forced myself to vomit it back out of my system, but it wasn't an eating disorder, right? "What kind? I don't really know much about them."

Glancing at me, he raises an eyebrow, "There are three main types: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating."

"What are those? I mean, I know what anorexia is, but…." I trail off. Nodding, Kanda explains, "Binge eating is where you simply can't stop eating, and you became severely overweight. Bulimia nervosa is better known as binging and purging. First, you would binge eat until you nearly become sick, and then you would do something to force yourself to vomit, followed by taking laxatives."

"There are other types, aren't there?" I ask. Maybe I do have an eating disorder, but it wasn't classified.

Watching me curiously, the samurai continues, "Those are just the main types. Some people have parts of two different ones. If I'm not mistaken, one of the most popular types is purging anorexia."

"Purging anorexia?" I repeat, slightly unnerved by the definition my brain was developing.

"Someone with purging anorexia will starve themselves, but not as drastically as someone with anorexia, and then purge, or force themselves to vomit."

Kanda seemingly was waiting for my reaction, staring at me as I found my lap very interesting. So according to him, I have purging anorexia, which _is_ an eating disorder. "Nothing bad happens from it, right?"

When I look up, the bluenette's expression was a mix between shock and mocking, and he gazes at me seriously, "Are you a moron? Of course it's bad!"

"Why? What could happen?"

Sarcastically, he says, "Let me think. Oh, there's malnutrition, dehydration, paralysis, edema, muscle atrophy, tearing of the esophagus, gastric rupture, gastrointestinal bleeding, reflux disorders, cancer, insomnia, hyperactivity, diabetes, several types of hypotension, kidney failure, anemia, osteoporosis, arthritis, your teeth can fall out, seizures, liver failure, and death. Those are just the ones I remember."

"I get the point," I say, holding up a hand, so he doesn't try to remember another slew of disorders and diseases I've never heard, but the ones I did know were scaring me. How could things like that happen just by simple eating disorders? And that's exactly what I asked.

"Simple? There's nothing simple about it," he growled. After a moment, he added in a lower voice, so only I could hear, "It's just as self-destructive as cutting is, Moyashi."

I don't mention the name, and soon we head to Komui's office after getting rid of our plates. Truthfully, I was thinking about what Kanda had said about it being self-destructive. Part of me couldn't help but feel like he directed that comment at me, but how could he have? He doesn't know that I have so-called "purging anorexia", and he won't know, but that still was aggravating me.

"Yu, why did you tell me all that?" I ask, finally giving into my curiosity. Glancing at me before looking back at the hall we were walking down, he replies, "When you don't know the effects of something, there isn't a reason not to do it. I just don't want you to get an eating disorder. It's the same with cutting."

I force my face to continue looking interested even though I was freaking out internally, "And why do you think I would do something like that?"

"I don't," he mutters bluntly. "I didn't think you'd become a cutter, either, and I didn't―"

"Shut up! For the last time, Lavi isn't abusing me!" I hiss, glaring heatedly at the samurai as his facial expression doesn't falter. Looking at me callously, Kanda mutters, "And for the last time, I don't believe it."

Stepping in front of him, I hold my ground, staring angrily at him, "You say that it's supposedly obvious. What's so obvious? You have no proof."

Grabbing my wrist, he roughly pulls me out of the hallway and into the conveniently placed men's bathroom that no one ever uses since the Order installed the ones in our rooms. After he closes and locks the door, the bluenette presses my back to the wall beside the sinks, but even though I know he's livid―not that his face gives it away or anything―, I notice that he's being extremely careful with me as if I was fine china.

"Look at me," he growls, staring me in the eyes, and I'm slightly surprised that he knew that I was about to turn my head. He takes a breath, slowly letting it as his features soften somewhat, "I can remember when you were the guy that was constantly protecting his friends, never giving up on anything, even if it was impossible. And I can still see that in you, but the problem is that you put others' happiness before your own."

Our bodies were very close. Almost too close for someone else, but I found myself drawn to his body like it was mitarashi dango. Okay, maybe that was a weird analogy, but you get the point!

"Why do you care about my happiness?" I ask quietly, unable to avert my gaze from Kanda's sapphire eyes, but they weren't as hard as a real gem. "What's changed? You used to hate me…."

"You really are narrow-minded," he says nearly inaudibly and looks away, but I'm not going to take that answer, because it's not one.

"Give me a real answer!" I demand, staring up at him determinedly. Turning his gaze back to focus on me, Kanda moves one of his hands that had been on the wall beside me to my cheek, cupping it affectionately, and he leans closer to me slowly until I can feel his breath on my lips. His eyes watch me carefully, waiting for some type of objection while his bangs make him look like he was trying to seduce me, and as I close my eyes, he whispers, "Because of this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Oh, so many people probably hate me right now! Next chapter will be out next Sunday, and until then, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	16. Exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, Klaud Nine would be shown more often, because she is awesome!

"Give me a real answer!" I demand, staring up at him determinedly. Turning his gaze back to focus on me, Kanda moves one of his hands that had been on the wall beside me to my cheek, cupping it affectionately, and he leans closer to me slowly until I can feel his breath on my lips. His eyes watch me carefully, waiting for some type of objection while his bangs make him look like he was trying to seduce me, and as I close my eyes, he whispers, "Because of this."

After so much waiting, his lips finally come down on mine, sweet like fresh dew and rough like tree bark, and yet, I loved the feel of them. Maybe that's masochistic, but I couldn't care less as I let myself melt in his arms that had somehow gotten around my waist. My fingers twist themselves into Kanda's hair, pulling out the hair tie, and I grab at the locks cascading down his back and shoulders. I feel the bluenette smirk into the kiss when I let out a tiny whimper, moving my lips against his with equal intensity, and I attempt to push us closer together, though it wasn't physically possible.

A sharp pain in my bottom lip causes me to gasp, and Kanda doesn't waste the opportunity to dart his tongue into my mouth quickly. His slick muscle slides against mine, pushing it back like it was in the way, but I refuse to give up that easily, fighting back fiercely. Apparently Kanda found that hot, because he let out a deep moan into the kiss, trying harder to win dominance over me, and after another minute of battling, he successfully forces me to surrender.

His tongue explores my mouth greedily while I continue messing with his hair, pulling on it lightly and waiting for his reaction. After a moment, I try it again, jerking harder on the tresses, and Kanda's breath hitched, his body unconsciously driving me into the wall, causing both of us to moan loudly.

Kanda pulls away first, panting hard as I gasp for breath, and he quickly looks away ashamedly. Momentarily, I don't understand, my oxygen supply still desperately trying to replenish itself, and I lean against the wall for support. Not saying anything, the bluenette rushes out the door, leaving me flushed and panting all alone in the bathroom as the weight of what I had just done finally plummets full-force onto me.

I cheated. I just cheated on Lavi! Falling to the floor, I let my head heavily drop into my crossed arms on my knees, and I let tears slip down my cheeks. We'd made the promise that neither of us would ever cheat on each other, and even though Lavi's broken it twice, I've forgiven and forgotten, but now I went and kissed Kanda! What kind of boyfriend was I?!

Reaching up to touch my lips, I smile and blush when I remember how it felt for Kanda's lips to be on mine, even though I slightly hated myself for it. It felt right for him to be holding me while he kissed me like if he stopped, the world would go down in flames. But I couldn't stand the thought of cheating on Lavi! How could have I done something so awful?!

And if it was so awful, why did feel so good?

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Kanda and I didn't speak at all throughout the mission except if it concerned the case, and even then we used as few words as possible to communicate. After two weeks in Turkey, the two of us and our finder are on the train back to the Order.

Pulling out my headphones and iPod, I begin listening to my music silently, not looking at Kanda. _"And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not. Oh baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught._

" _But you put on quite a show, really had me going. Now it's time to go, curtains finally closing. That was quite a show, very entertaining, but it's over now. So go on and take a bow."_

Shaking my head quickly, I switch the songs, not really in the mood for that kind of music at the moment for obvious reasons. Even though I was curled up on the seat, facing the back, I could feel Kanda's gaze boring into my from behind, and I glance over my shoulder. He doesn't even try to hide his staring, and I mutter uncaringly, "What do you want?"

"Are you ever going to speak to me again?" he asked in reply, our eyes fighting some sort of battle. Removing my headphones, I roll over onto my back, gazing at the ceiling of the train compartment, "Why would I?"

"Moyashi."

"It's Allen."

"Moyashi."

"Good gosh, Kanda, what?!"

"Why are you so mad at me?" he asked, and I glare at him. He knew the answer. I knew that, and he knew I knew that. So why on Earth would he ask? Scowling, I mutter, "You know full well why I'm angry."

Quicker than I blink he was over me, trapping me under him as I squirm in a desperate attempt to free myself and escape the intoxicating scent of autumn woods. Eventually, I push against his chest in a last-ditch effort before giving up, lying limply under him, and I turn my head to the side, staring at the booth he had been sitting in a moment ago. A shiver runs through me, alerting me that Kanda's lips were millimeters away from my ear, and he whispers, "You may be supposedly angry, but you can't look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn't like it."

"Didn't like what?" I say coldly, still not facing him. I wish that I had never let him in, that I had never let him know how exposed I felt like this, and the closeness of our bodies wasn't helping that. Not only was it impossible to escape, but I wasn't even sure if I wanted to, and that's what really scared me.

"Don't play dumb with me," he says sternly yet seductively, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was trying to be like this. Absolutely irresistibly dominant over me, and I didn't mind like I would if it was someone else.

"Why not? Seems like a good idea," I reply, closing my eyes to try and my rid myself of the devastatingly obvious erection I was getting. Can anyone say disaster?

Another shiver courses through me as Kanda presses his lips to the juncture of my jaw and neck, and I allow him to do it as he continues to my ear, licking the shell of it before biting lightly. Every part of my brain screams at me to make him stop, that this was just as bad as kissing him lips-to-lips, and I was cheating on Lavi _again_ , but my body wouldn't react. Well, it did, but I don't want to discuss what was happening to me _there_. Kanda smirks when I can't stop a small moan from passing through my lips, and he asks evocatively, "I told you that you liked it."

"No, I don't! It's wrong! I have a boyfriend!" I protest, once again thrashing in order to get out from under him. Patiently, the bluenette waits for me to surrender, and I do just that a few minutes later, growling, "Get off."

Gripping my chin gently but firmly, he says, "I don't think so. Lately, I've been acting like you wanted me to, but I think that I should get a reward for being the good puppy you've been treating me as."

"What on Earth are you talking about?" I ask, staring defiantly though curiously into his cobalt orbs. "I thought you liked Ally."

He gives me a "you should be given the idiot of the year award" look before shaking his head, "I really thought that the Moyashi would understand something at this point. I should rethink things."

"Tell it to me straight, dang it!"

Glaring almost dangerously at me, Kanda says, "Fine. What name sounds like Ally?"

"I don't know. Alex. Alec. Allen…."

He raises an eyebrow at me as the light bulb above my head lit up, and I stare at him, speechless. Ally is me? Then Karou must be…Kanda, and Luke is Lavi. Wait, what does this have to do anything?!

"Okay, I'm Ally. Why was I a girl?"

"Moron! Is that the only thing that you're concerned about?!" he says as if I should know why he's so ticked at this moment. Staring at him, I say, "Yeah, it is. I don't understand what the deal is. Luke is Lavi and you're Karou. Again, what's the issue?"

As I finish saying this, my mind actually begins working for once.

" _No, I gave her cute nickname instead."_

" _Though, when she acts like that, it doesn't matter if you've had an awful day, because you just have to smile."_

" _She's convinced herself that she's not worth anything, and it really worries me, but I can't do much about it."_

" _I think that Karou has loved Ally for a really long time, but he just doesn't really know how to tell her, even though she seems to feel the same way."_

" _What would you suggest to Karou for admitting his love for Ally then? I'm curious to see how you would handle it."_

" _Anyways, I think Karou should heed your advice."_

" _You know all of them very well, so if I told you one person, you'd know everyone. All I'll say is that there's only one love triangle going on at the Order, you know about it whether you realize it or not."_

" _My Baka Moyashi."_

" _I'm the only one you've let in."_

" _Listen. I wasn't mad at you. I've never been mad at you."_

" _It wasn't anger. Not really. I have a tendency to act like that when I'm frustrated and…worried. Getting mad at you would be counterproductive, and I don't want you to think that I don't care."_

" _Why won't you let me protect you?"_

" _Goodnight, Allen. Why won't you tell me what's wrong? Why won't you let me help you? Baka Moyashi, you're so narrow-minded sometimes."_

" _You really are narrow-minded."_

" _I want you to call me by my given name."_

"K-Kanda…" I whisper, eyes wide with shock as he continues to look down at me like I was a moron. And I agree at this point. I am a moron. "I-I'm sorry. Y-You tried s-so hard to ma-make it obvious, and I j-just…."

"Just shut up," Kanda growled, moving off of me to sit in his seat on the other side of the compartment, and I don't move. For the next hour, I lay in utter shock of the realization I had had. After that, I go to the bathroom and get ready to sleep before lying on my seat with my exorcist jacket draped over me. Kanda and I didn't speak at all that night. Or the next morning. Or the next week.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

Luckily, Lavi got back from his mission and was given time to rest for a while. I spent most my time with him, eating and training together before we sleep in my bed, his arms wrapped protectively around me.

It had to be past midnight, and I could feel Lavi's chest rising and falling steadily against my back as I lay with my eyes open, staring up at the painting Kanda had pinned over my bed. We hadn't talked in almost two weeks, and it was starting to annoy me. The bluenette was constantly asking to go on new missions, and Komui didn't mind assigning them to him since Lavi was staying at the Order more often.

Sighing, I pry myself out of my boyfriend's arms, crawling around him before standing, and I make my way to the bathroom.

"All…Allen?" Lavi slurred, blinking with sleepiness from his eyes. Giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, I whisper, "Go back to sleep. I'm just going to take a shower."

More awake now, he sits up, "Is something wrong? You can tell me."

Shaking my head, I say, "No, I'm fine. I just need to be by myself for a while."

"Okay," he says sleepily, lying back down, and quiet snores can be heard from him before I even close the bathroom door. Flipping on the light, I step out of my underwear quickly and turn on the water to the shower while a small growl erupted from my stomach. Not only had I missed breakfast and dinner, I also purged to rid myself of my measly lunch, but Lavi had said that I looked better, so it was worth it. I step under the showerhead that was pouring water, pulling the curtain behind me, and I let the nearly scalding liquid hit my face.

Sitting in the bottom of the tub, I let out a long sigh, my hand feeling around in the corner of the wall and porcelain until the clatter of plastic falling into the tub echoes through the bathroom. For a moment after picking it up, I simply stare dumbly at the razor and then at the dozen cuts on my legs, because if Kanda ever did start caring again, the first thing he would check would be my arms. At least this way he won't find them.

Pressing the razor to the flesh of my leg, I grit my teeth as I push on it and drag it slowly, gasping at the pain, but I still cut as deep as possible without hitting something important. I repeat the step twice before washing the blood from the cutting device and setting it back in its place.

For some reason, I find myself expecting the door to burst open, revealing a distraught Kanda as he ran to my aid, worriedly shouting at me and asking why I would cut myself.

Part of me still couldn't comprehend that he loves me, and the other part was still in shock, but there wasn't really anything I could do about it. Lavi is my boyfriend, and just because Kanda loves me too doesn't mean I'm going to dump the redhead. The arrogant bluenette can learn to deal with it.

But why do I feel so empty? Every day when I walk into the cafeteria, I look at the table he normally sits at, waiting for him to be there eating his soba silently before he scowls when I sit across from him. Every day when I train with Lavi, I can hear the sound of metal slashing through the air in the next room, and I remember the day we played in the rain together, Kanda angrily chasing me as I ran for my life with his hair band. Every day when I walk into the bathroom, I look at the words on the mirror and wait for him to slip his arms around me from behind, saying that I'm beautiful.

Tears fall from my eyes and I wait for his thumb to wipe them away before he pulls me into a tight embrace, stroking my hair as I nuzzle into his chest.

I never feel like this when Lavi is on a mission, so why do I feel like I'm not complete without Kanda beside me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Okay, so no cliffhanger this time! Such a bore! Anyways, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	17. Admit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, there would be more flashbacks to Allen's past, because he is the definition of cute!  
> Author Note: I have been getting several reviews asking for a long chapter, and I would like to answer those. All chapters never are concluded before they get to 2,500 words, and I try to keep them from going over 3,000. That just seems like an appropriate length for chapters in a book, so I try to do that.

Sitting in the floor of the training room, I breathe heavily in my turtleneck and athletic pants, muscles aching from hours of flips and acrobatics. Another week had passed, and Lavi and Kanda were both on missions. Different ones, of course.

I didn't really have much to do lately. Most the time I trained, took five hour long baths, or had my daily meal, but nothing exciting had happened other than the outrageously short mission I had been sent on. Actually, nothing exciting had happened since I realized that Kanda was in love with me, though I was still in denial.

First off, why? Of all the beautiful, single, talented girls that he could easily make fall in love with him, he had to choose the _guy_ that he was supposed to hate. Kanda could make girls sleep with him just by smirking that stupid, arrogant smirk he always wore, not to mention how much his hair could influence a decision. How on Earth could he find me attractive or even worth a glimpse? At some point, I'm pretty certain he told me I was hideous, though that was before the mirror thing happened. Speaking of, shouldn't I clean that?

Second, wasn't he supposed to be asexual? I can see him using girls for his own pleasure, but Kanda loving someone? Never. Again, why me? He could have at least chosen someone who would reciprocate the feeling! But then again, he was sweet and loving when he wanted to be. His touches were so soft when he had cleaned my wounds, like I would shatter if he was the slightest bit rough with my fragile body, and he could speak in a voice that made me wonder if he was an angel hiding behind the exterior of a heartless jerk.

Third, I had a boyfriend. Sure, sometimes Lavi made me feel worthless, but he doesn't mean to, and even when he hits me, he always makes up for it. I didn't deserve anymore with how pathetic I am, and nothing would change that. But I can't help but wonder: what would it be like to be Kanda's boyfriend?

I can imagine waking up in his arms every morning, warmth surrounding me before he gets up to get ready for the rest of the day. If I was lucky that day, he might, just maybe, let me brush his hair, snapping at me after ten minutes that I needed to hurry up, and then he would walk me to the cafeteria. He'd make sure I ate plenty, and afterwards, he wouldn't let me purge, telling me that my body was perfect the way it was and emphasizing it with a long, passionate kiss. We'd train for a few hours, and maybe it would start raining, but even though he wasn't keen on the idea, Kanda would allow me to drag him out into the downpour. Later on, he'd force me into the shower, because I got mud in my hair, and the door would be wide open while he read on the bed. When I look around in the shower, my razor is gone, probably buried somewhere behind the Order, and when I get out, I get dressed before flopping down on the bed next to him. Kanda would smirk, asking why I had gotten dressed, and I would be so confused, wondering if he didn't like my shirt, but the thought would be cut off when he pinned me down, claiming my lips with his own. At first I'd struggle, but my objections would die on my lips after a moment, and when we finally do go to sleep, we both had to take another shower.

Smiling, I blush at the thought. Maybe that was unrealistic, but it was worth a daydream. After all, it wouldn't happen anyways.

"Moyashi?"

Glancing up, I see Kanda standing in the doorway of the training room and holding Mugen on his shoulder. He was wearing his black and red exorcist uniform undone, a black muscle shirt underneath, and I quickly ask, "What are you doing here? I thought you were on a mission."

He nods, "I just got back an hour or so ago. As far as why I'm here, I was going to train, but there's a nuisance sitting in the room I always do that in."

Hastily standing, I protest, "I'm not a nuisance! I didn't realize that I was in the last room."

"You know, the brain generally will unconsciously tell one's body to go somewhere that that person feels close to another due to memories or fantasies," Kanda says nonchalantly, walking closer to me. To this, I begin backing up, "That's not the case! I just needed a place to train, and…um…all the others were full!"

"For someone who says he has the perfect poker face you're awful at lying," he says just as my back hits the wall, and he puts his hands on either side of my hips, Mugen laying on the floor a few meters away. Terrified of what he was going to do, I press myself as close to the wall as possible, trying to get away from the bluenette.

"Why do you look so scared?" he asked, cobalt eyes narrowing slightly.

Looking away from the intense gaze, I mutter, "Because."

"What are you? Two?"

"I don't care what you think, Kanda."

Tilting my head up to meet his eyes, he says, "Another lie. You told me that you respect my opinion."

"How do you know that wasn't the lie?" I fire back, staring back at him. Smirking, Kanda taps on my bottom lip lightly, "You didn't have a reason to lie to me then. Don't you know that I've noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

"You've been avoiding me lately. What, are you afraid I'll rape you or something?"

Shaking my head to remove his hand from my face, I grumble, "No, I don't. And I haven't been avoiding you; I just haven't wanted to be around you."

"Because you think I'll try to kiss you again?"

I don't reply, looking away for the second time, and I hear him chuckle, "You really think I'm going to do that? Just because I want to doesn't mean I will."

A strawberry flush spreads over my face as he speaks, and I try to escape from the position he had me in, resulting with my hands held above my head. Great, now I really felt exposed.

"Does the idea of me wanting to kiss you turn you on?" he whispered in my ear seductively. "Or are you just trying to forget about it?"

"I-I-I…" I can't seem to get my words, and I close my eyes, breathing steadily as I try to calm my racing heart. Kanda seems to notice this, and uses his free hand to massage my hip soothingly, continuing, "What would you do if I kissed you right now?"

"I would push you off of me and possibly punch you," I growl lowly, trying to cover up how much my body heated up at the question.

"Your body disagrees with that statement, Moyashi," he presses, running the hand on my hip under my shirt, and I shiver at his cold flesh setting mine ablaze.

"S-Stop, Kanda," I whimper, trying to get away from his icily steaming touch, and he does, removing the hand immediately. Returning it to my hip, he says, "That felt good though, didn't it?"

"N-No. Only L-Lavi makes me fee-feel good like t-that," I stutter, still breathing slightly unevenly even though it had been hardly thirty seconds.

"He hasn't been making you feel that good, has he? He makes you feel different than I do," Kanda says in my ear, his breath ghosting the skin.

Unfortunately, I take that statement and run with it. Sure, Lavi makes me feel good sometimes when he's not being rough, but that's almost never. When he has sex with me, all I remember is the pain and agony. His touch is too forceful to be enjoyable, and I find that I don't like it at all. My body reacts to it, but the rest of me cringes.

Kanda's hands make me feel like I was in an inferno though and it makes me want to push my body closer to him, want to feel his lips on the places his hands wander. Moans of pleasure break through my lips instead of ones of pain, and now that I realize just how much better I could feel with another person, I wonder whether Lavi's hands should be the ones that touch me.

"How do I make you feel?" he huskily asks in my ear, and I can detect the waves of testosterone emanating from his body due to his jealousy. Not moving, I murmur, "Different."

"Why is that? How does he treat you?"

"Rough. It hurts really badly sometimes, but I―"

Eye widening, I snap my mouth shut, apprehending what I just said, and Kanda says, "But you what?"

"Nothing," I mutter, staring off to the side, and I hope that he wasn't really listening. That's when the anger flared. "Jerk, you set me up!"

"Why would I do that?" he asks, releasing me and taking a step back, and from the look in his eyes, I can tell that he doesn't know just how furious this made me. Clenching my fists until they were shaking, I spit, "You've been trying to make me admit that Lavi's abusing me! You wanted me to say that!"

Raising an eyebrow, the samurai repeats, "Admit?"

"He isn't! Lavi loves me, and I don't care what you think about it! He doesn't hurt me!" I yell. Piercing me with his cobalt gaze, he says calmly, "You just said that when the two of you are intimate that it can hurt very badly."

"Sex hurts sometimes!"

"Most people don't only remember the pain. Anyone else would say that it feels great, because it's supposed to," he says seriously.

"Why won't you drop it?!"

"How about this:" he says, "you tell me honestly if Lavi has ever intentionally hurt you, and I'll drop it."

Sighing, I sit in the fetal position with my back to the wall, head dropping to rest on my crossed arms that were perched on my knees, and I don't reply, hearing him sit beside me. If this had happened a month ago, I would have launched myself into his arms, crying until my heart's content, but I couldn't. Not anymore. Not after what had happened, and now I only had my razor to run to.

Tears slipped down my cheeks as I shuddered, unhappy about being so open right now, but I couldn't help it, crying harder than I thought I could. After a minute of this, Kanda finally reached over and pulled me to him, surprising me slightly, but I don't care as I uncurl in his arms, clinging to him as if he was my lifeline.

"Shh, I didn't mean to upset you," he whispered quietly, wrapping his arms around my shaking form while I lean against him, sitting in his lap.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Karou could only assume that Luke had hurt Ally. Well, he always has thought that since the mission to Rhone, but now it was obvious. The worst part was that he couldn't do anything for the girl he loved so much, and he was trying as hard as he could. Ally had even started to admit how much sex hurts with the redhead, which Karou knew meant that on top of emotional and physical abuse, she was also being sexual abused, and he didn't think that the whitette realized it.

"Aren?" he asked, stroking her hair softly as the crying girl looked up at him, tears still flowing down her cheeks. Wiping the drops away, Karou continued, "Do you know what sexual abuse is?"

Even in the state she was in, Ally rolled her eyes, "Moron, of course I do! It's rape."

Shaking his head, the bluenette couldn't believe how naïve she was, and how right he had been, "No, it's not."

"What is it then?"

"Sexual abuse by a partner can include derogatory name calling, refusal to use contraception, deliberately causing unwanted physical pain during sex, and to cause pain or humiliation" (Definition altered from ), he explains, watching as Ally's eyes widen in understanding, and then she looks down quickly, more tears falling.

"Is Lavi doing that to you?" Karou asked.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Is Lavi doing that to you? Kanda asked me as I stared as his stomach.

 _Yes,_ I think, knowing that what he just said was exactly what my boyfriend did. My cluelessness had led to me not understanding what had happened to me so many times. Shaking my head, I lie after a moment, "No, he doesn't. I-I like it rough."

" _That's right. Moan like the little ho you are, because you like the pain. You like me owning you. You like it when you're bleeding. You like feeling like you're worthless, because you are," Lavi growled in my ear as tears streamed down my cheeks, and I let out another scream of pain. A hard slap to my face made me yelp before he yelled, "Say it!"_

" _I-I like it!" I cry in misery._

The memory brings fresh tears to my eyes, and I try to push myself closer to Kanda's warmth, his arms' grip tightening. When I think back to all the times we've had sex other than the first time, all I can remember is the excruciating pain pulsating through me, and I've never had any other experience with it. Lavi has my virginity, and that doesn't bother me, but it also means that I've never felt what it's like to be with another guy, or girl, before.

Just the mere thought of sex with Lavi makes me cringe and clamp my legs together, but even though I don't want to think about it, it does turn to pleasure at some point.

"There is a difference between being rough and causing pain," Kanda says, stroking my hair. Nodding, I lie, "I like pain. I'm a cutter, Kanda, and you think that I don't?"

The stare he has affixed on me makes my blood run cold even though I can't see it, but I could feel it setting my hair on fire, and he asks, "When's the last time you've cut?"

"I haven―"

Cutting me off with a cold voice, Kanda stops everything he was doing, dropping his arms to his side, "Don't you _dare_ lie to me."

Whimpering at the loss, I shiver at the coolness in the room and in his voice, fisting my hands in his shirt and uniform, and I nuzzle closer to him, suddenly feeling extremely insecure. Muffled by his uniform slightly, I reply softly, "Last night."

"I just don't understand why you would want to do something like that," he whispers into my hair, but he doesn't move his arms. Sniffling to keep the tears back, I reach out and grab his arm, slinging it around me, and the other follows on its own.

"It's an addiction," I say, another shiver surging through me, because it was really cold in here. Seeing this, Kanda asks, "Are you cold?"

"No!" I reply too quickly, blushing slightly, and the arms around me retract. I didn't even have time to whine about it, because the next thing I knew, the bluenette had draped his uniform over my shoulders, and I pull it tightly around me.

"Thank you," I murmur, the arms returning silently.

"I want to understand," he says abruptly.

"Understand what?"

"I want to understand why you want to cut," Kanda explains, tightening his hold on me as I freeze. Really? Of all the things he could have asked me to tell him about, why did he choose cutting?

Taking a breath, I ask, "What do you want to know?"

"Why."

Shaking my head, I say, "I already told you, and anything else I don't think you'd understand."

"I didn't mean that. I meant why did you start?"

I don't reply. There's no way I'm telling him about Lavi. Well, he already knows, but I'm not going to confess what was going on. What's the point? All that would happen would be a fist fight, bloody noses, curses, and that's just what would happen before Lavi got me alone. After a moment, I say, "Pressure from being an exorcist."

"Hm, I thought you'd come up with a better lie."

Rolling my eyes, I mutter, "I thought you'd leave it."

"I want to help, Aren, but I can only do that if you stop lying."

"I don't want help."

"Keep telling yourself that. One day, something's going to happen and I won't be there to help you because of a mission or something," Kanda says, removing me from his lap, and after setting me on the floor, he walks away and out of the training room. I sit there, pulling his jacket closer around me, and another tear falls.

_Screaming on the inside, I am forever withered. Cover up the wounds that I can't hide. Walls that lie between us. The saint within the sinner. I have lost the nerve, but it's alright. Carry the wounded, and shut your eyes. All will be forgiven, none will rise. Bury the fallen, and lead the blind. I will find the lost, dead inside._

_Into the nothing, faded and weary. I won't leave and let you fall behind. Live for the dying. Heaven hear me. I know we can make it all alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: If you enjoyed the chapter, please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Into the Nothing-Breaking Benjamin.


	18. Hello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, there would be a special episode where Ciel Phantomhive and Sebastian visited the Order.

_Playground school bell rings again._

"Eat more," Kanda growled, pushing a plate of fried chicken toward me. Having eaten ten plates of random foods already, I shake my head, "No, I'm full."

Glaring at me from across the table, he says, "Stop trying to fool me. You can eat double what you already have, and then some. Plus, you didn't eat breakfast."

"Not hungry," I mutter childishly, looking down at my lap.

"Aren," he says, and I glance back up at him. "I'll call you Aren the rest of the day if you eat a few more plates and the same for dinner."

Considering this, I look at the plate. I was really hungry, but I didn't want to eat more, especially in front of Kanda. He probably thinks I'm a glutton, which I am, but I didn't like showing him that part of me. It's disgusting in his eyes.

"Stop it."

"What?" I ask, staring at the tempting plate of chicken fried in grease. Sighing, the bluenette says, "Stop degrading yourself. I don't know what's going through your head, but whatever it is stop."

_Rainclouds come to play again._

Smiling, I tilt my head in a look of boyish innocence, "What are you talking about? I'm not―"

"And stop trying to fool me with that clown mask of yours. Just eat," Kanda interrupts brusquely, and I look down ashamedly, whimpering at his harsh tone. When he hears how callous he sounded, he silently puts down his chopsticks, standing and moving to sit in the chair next to mine. Not looking up, I watch him out of the corner of my eye before he moves my chin up and to the side with his hand, and I meet his gaze timidly. For some reason, I feel like a scared rabbit hiding in its cage as if Kanda was going to hurt me, and he seems to notice the fear in my eyes, sighing in defeat.

"Look," he begins, "you can tell me that you don't and everything, but I think you have purging anorexia. I just want you to eat like you used to."

Nodding, I take a deep breath. It won't hurt for him to know about this like it would if he knew about Lavi, so I can come clean about it. Though, I can't do it like this when he's staring at me. Pulling away from his hand, I gaze at my lap, fumbling my hands as I admit, "I have it."

_Has no one told you she's not breathing?_

"What?" he asked confusedly, my explanation obviously not very good.

"I have purging anorexia, Kanda," I repeat quietly, still not looking at him.

Suddenly, I feel arms around me, practically crushing me, and I stutter, "K-K-Kanda…?

"It's Yu," he murmurs in my ear. Relaxing in his arms, I sit there in silence, trying to ignore the stares that were boring into me on all sides. Does Kanda realize how…caring…he looks right now?

"Y-Yu…?" I whisper as he releases me, and he watches me wistfully, seeming to be contemplating his next move. After a moment, the bluenette orders, "Eat."

_Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to…hello…._

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Why would you do something like that?" Kanda asks, sitting across from me on my bed. Shrugging, I mutter, "Why not?"

At this, he looked so aggravated that he wanted to smack me, and I wouldn't blame him, considering that I was longing for a certain plastic and metal cutting device. A drop of sweat down the back of my neck, the suffocating material on my chest and arms irritating me, and noticing this, Kanda says, "You can take it off."

The weight of judgment on my shoulders lifted slightly at his words, but I still couldn't bring myself to remove my shirt, even though my body screamed for me to stop trying to choke it. Glancing up from my lap, I see his loving gaze watching me, and I sigh, reaching down to grip the hem of my shirt before pulling it over my head.

_If I smile and don't believe, soon I know I'll wake from this dream._

"Now answer my question, Moyashi," Kanda says. Glaring at him, I protest, "It's Allen, BaKanda."

Okay, so maybe I should have thought this through better. Yeah, Yu, I decided to start purging after that day you made your little comments about my eating and then I slapped you. Remember that? So, you know, this is kind of your fault. Right, like that's going to happen.

But at the same time, I was tired of lying. I was tired of always pretending to be happy when I'm bleeding on the inside.

I needed Kanda to save me from this crap I'm sinking into faster than I can climb out. But he can't do that if I don't come clean about everything, and I can't do that. Maybe he'll understand why I would want to purge.

"If I tell you, will you get mad?" I ask quietly.

"Why would I do that?" the bluenette replied before his cobalt eyes widened. "No…you didn't after I…?"

Staring at the sheets between us, I barely nod, not even certain if he saw it. Silence washes over the room, and I glance up at Kanda through my bangs, finding him glaring at his clenched-white fists.

Hesitantly, I crawl closer to him until my face was inches from his, and as I look into the sapphire pools, I say, "It wasn't your fault, hear me? I already had image issues, and it was just what tipped me over the edge."

"It still happened because of what I did," he bitterly muttered, his gaze shaking slightly. I'm officially a moron. I shouldn't have told him that. Horrible mistake.

_Don't try to fix me; I'm not broken._

Something stirred inside me. What was it? I may never know, but whatever it was, it compelled me forward. Well, not me. My lips.

It didn't matter to Kanda that I kissed his cheek softly instead of his lips because he was shocked either way, staring at me with a stunned expression. Blushing in realization, I jump back, looking down regretfully as I sit in my original position, and I whisper, "It's not your fault."

The bluenette snapped back to reality quickly, but he still didn't look convinced. Though, I didn't have time to worry about that because my face was on fire, and that's an issue in my mind. Plus, I didn't get much sleep last night. Too many nightmares.

A yawn escapes me, and I put my hand over my mouth in a feeble attempt to hide it, eyes closing instinctively. When they open again, I see Kanda watching me with a hint of an amused expression, and I blush, looking away and mumbling, "What?"

"You look cute like that," he replies, and my blush darkens. Snagging my pillow and propping it against the wall, I curl up with my head resting of the cushion, but my strawberry flush didn't go anywhere. My ears pick up chuckling behind me, and I bury my face into the pillow, trying to hide it from the samurai.

"What? You don't like compliments?" he asked, his hand resting on my hip. Trying to ignore the heat in my cheeks, I say into the pillow, "I do, but I don't get them very often. Other than you, that is."

As I roll over to face him, Kanda says, "Well, I'll make sure to cut back."

"No!" I squeak, my blush returning full-force. Shyly looking at the bed, I reword, "I-I don't mind compliments, so please don't stop giving them to me."

Nodding, he changes the subject, "Did you get any sleep last night?"

_Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide._

"Not really," I admit. He was about to say something when I let out a squeak of realization, blushing furiously as I move to the head of bed, and I pull back the blankets, dragging out a red and black jacket. Avoiding Kanda's gaze, I hand him his exorcist jacket, and he takes it, asking, "Did you sleep with this?"

"No," I lie too quickly, flushing to the point that I thought blood would burst from my cheeks.

Instead of questioning it further since I obviously lied, he asks, "What are the nightmares about?"

Again finding comfort in my pillow, I shake my head, "Nothing."

I hear a sigh before his hand rests on my cheek, caressing it softly, and Kanda says, "I want to help. I really do. But that's impossible if you don't tell me what's upsetting you."

"You can help without knowing."

"How?"

"Lavi's on a mission, so you can sleep in here tonight," I murmur. After a moment of silence, I glance up at him, finding a shocked expression on his face at my request, and I emotionlessly add, "But I don't really care either way."

_Don't cry._

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

 _Like heck you don't care!_ Karou thought bitterly, not really understanding why Ally had to be so hot and cold. Though, as he looked down at the blushing girl, he couldn't help but internally smile at the look of innocence on her face.

"If it will help, I'll stay as long as you want," he promised, leaning back against the wall.

"Thank you, Yu," Ally said, sitting up and standing from the bed. "I'm going to take my shower. When I'm done, you can take one, too if you want."

Karou nods, watching the whitette walk into the bathroom after she got her clothes to change into later, and he chuckles quietly at how hot she looked when she did that. He's not even sure if she notices how her hips sway when she walks, but it was a nice view for him. Not that he looks at her butt or anything. Right….

 _Allen just asked me to sleep in his bed with him. That's something, right?_ the bluenette wondered. Silently, he sighs, looking at his jacket beside him, Karou and smirks, imagining the angel-like face nuzzled into the fabric.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

Water drips off the ends of my snowy hair as I stare at the bleeding cuts on my legs―three of them. Why did I even cut this time? Nothing bad happened. Well, I take that back, because Kanda now knows about my eating disorder. Ugh, I still hate admitting that I have purging anorexia, but nothing I can do about that other than stop. Nope, not happening.

The hot water seeped into the wounds, and I hiss at the painful sting, standing from the bottom of the tub to begin washing my hair.

A sigh escapes my lips as I reach for my new shampoo. Dollar General ran out of my normal product, so I'm now left with "Enchanted Forest", which is a very girly, fruity scent that reminds me of coconut and lime. Give me a break; it was on sale!

A few minutes later, I step out of the shower, hurrying to get the gauze on my wound because I was getting slightly woozy from what I can only perceive as blood loss, and I dress the wounds quickly, trying to make as little noise as possible.

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping._

When I finally do exit the bathroom, I'm dressed in sweatpants and an open, white button-up that was obviously too big for me, but I didn't really care.

"Where did you get that shirt?" Kanda asked from the bed. His hair was out of its normal high ponytail, and he was sitting in a meditating position, but his eyes were watching me curiously. Thinking for a moment, I sit beside him and reply, "Lenalee got it for me a few years ago. Yard sale or something."

I jump when I feel a warm hand on the back of my neck, pulling the back of the collar of the shirt, and Kanda says, "Or my closet."

"Huh?" I ask, confused as he pulls away. Rolling his eyes, he explains, "That's my shirt, moron. I lost it around that time."

"How do you know?"

"The tags of most shirts don't say 'Made in Japan', followed by my initials in Sharpie," he muttered, lying back on the bed.

Blushing furiously, I sheepishly ask, "D-Do you want it back? I really didn't know."

Closing his cobalt eyes, Kanda shook his head, "No, not after a moyashi like you wore it who knows how many times. Lenalee will be explaining how you got it."

"She gave it to me for my birthday, but it was too big, so I wear it to bed most nights," I say, realizing that I had been sleeping in Kanda's shirt for the last three years. Standing abruptly, the bluenette turns to me and says, "I'm going to run to my room and get a change of clothes, and then I'll come back."

Not giving me a chance to reply, he was out the door.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Let me see your arms," Kanda said, running his fingers through his damp hair as I was watched in fascination. It took every bit of self-control for me not to reach out and touch the tresses ever since he started the swift movement, and I'm pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing to me. Looking down, I ask, "Why?"

He stopped, glancing away from the mirror to look at my form sitting on the vanity, and he says, "To see the damage you did. You said you had cut, but I didn't see them."

_Hello, I'm still here._

Drooping like a wilting flower, I admit, "That's because I didn't cut my arms."

Kanda sighs, defeat etched into his features, and he asks, "Then where?"

I try not to look at him as I lightly land on the floor, shrugging out of my sweatpants before stepping out of them and taking my place back on the vanity, my cuts now visible. At this point, I really didn't care what he said, and so I only partially paid attention when he began talking.

"Why would you do this? Your legs were so beautiful," Kanda says, gently tracing the more healed cuts.

"I thought you said that I was beautiful anyways," I mutter, glancing behind me at the mirror that was still covered with glass marker. After a moment, I direct my gaze back to the samurai, he says, "I didn't mean that you aren't beautiful, because you are. I meant that you did something that you can't reverse. The scars won't heal."

"Idiot, I know that. I know that the scars will never heal. I know that you hate that I do this to myself. I know that I could kill myself doing this. And I know that I could do something harmful to my health by purging. Do you really think I care?" I respond. Staring at my cuts, Kanda says, "Then tell me what I can do to make you feel like you're worth something."

"You're doing enough as it is, Yu. Really," I say, hopping off the vanity to pull on my sweatpants again, and then, I walked into my room, moonlight bathing the room once Kanda turned out the bathroom light. The full moon outside made me smile slightly.

"The moon is all that it takes to make you smile?"

I glance at Kanda as he lies in the bed, pulling the blankets over his body up to his chest, and he rolls over, facing the wall. Taking a last glimpse at the white orb in the sky, I slip into the bed next to him, turning the opposite way he was with my back pressed against his, and I push my pillow as far away from my head as possible, letting my head rest flat on the blood-stained mattress.

"Do you think Lavi will think I'm cheating on him if we do this?" I ask quietly, my hands wanting to grip the black t-shirt Kanda was wearing.

"Why would he?" the bluenette replies. "It's not like we're going to have sex or something intimate like that."

He had a point, but still. I feel like something bad is going to happen….

_All that's left of yesterday._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Hm, does that count as a cliffhanger? I love them! And as always, please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Hello-Evanescence.


	19. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, I would hold birthday episodes for each character.

Morning comes with the smell of autumn woods. At some point in the night, I managed to wiggle my way into Kanda's arms, hence the reason my nose was pressed into his chest, and I couldn't help but notice that I felt much warmer in his embrace than Lavi's. The bluenette's fingers rake through my hair, gently pulling out the knots and kinks they find, and I let out a slow sigh, reveling in this moment in his arms. That is until….

"Hey, Allen! I'm back fro―"

Lavi's cheerful voice is quickly cut off as I hear the door shut, followed by him yelling, "What the heck is going on here?!"

Scrambling up from the bed and out of a now awake Kanda's arms, I find myself on my knees in front of my boyfriend, bowing like a servant as I apologize, "I'm sorry! I was getting nightmares, and you weren't here, so I―!"

A sharp pain blooms in my cheek before I hit the ground hard, and I receive a hard kick to my stomach, knocking the breath out of me as Lavi booms, "I trusted you! We made a promise not to cheat on each other!"

My hair covered my eyes, but I raised my head just in time to see Kanda walk toward the fuming redhead, and he stands in front of him. The look in Lavi's eyes were enough to know that he was about to give the samurai the same treatment he had just given me, but before he could, Kanda punched him instead, sending him staggering back into the wall.

Fire blazed in the bluenette's eyes as he stalked closer, baring his forearm against Lavi's throat, and he hisses lowly, "If you _dare_ lay another finger on him, I swear I'll beat you into the underworld. Do you understand that?"

Defiantly staring back at him, my boyfriend replies calmly, "I'd like to see you try. I knew the day I asked him out that you were in love with him, too. Does he know that?"

"Yes, he does. And what do you mean by 'love him, too?' If you loved him, you wouldn't abuse him."

"What are talking about?"

Obviously controlling his anger, Kanda punched the wall beside Lavi's head, the boom reverberating around the room, and he growls, "Don't drive my patience. I know that you physically, emotionally, and sexually abuse him, and he thinks it's his fault. How do you sleep at night?"

"Normally, I get in bed and pull up the blankets before turning off the lights. That about sums it up."

The samurai throws another punch, but this time, it hits Lavi on the left cheek, sending him to the floor. Eyes widening, I push myself up, spitting blood from my mouth on the way, and I run to my boyfriend, "Lavi?! Are you okay?!"

Nodding, he says, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Moyashi―"

"Get out," I interrupt, glaring furiously at Kanda over my shoulder. "I want you out."

"Like heck am I going to leave you alone with him after what he did to you!" the bluenette protests, anger towards Lavi emanating from him.

"I said out!" I yell, standing and walking lividly towards Kanda. Even if I was several inches shorter than him, I was not a person to make mad, and as I get closer, he steps back until he had nowhere to go, back pressed to the door while I glare at him, seething with rage.

"I'm not a baby, Kanda. I know how to take care of myself, so I don't need you to treat me like I know absolutely nothing! Do you want to know why Lavi hurts me sometimes? It's because I'm not good enough for him, and I know that, so I try harder. Unlike you, he treats me like I should be. Did I mention the trauma _he's_ going through? Not many people survive Road Kamelot breaking their mind, and it still affects him sometimes. Sometimes he can't think right, but I find that understandable," I fume, not caring about the hurt look in Kanda's eyes as I continue. "Now, I said for you to get out of my room and don't come back!"

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Karou slams the door behind him, heart wrenching in agony as he storms out of Ally's room. How could she be such a moron?! He tried everything to protect her, but all he gets in return is her yelling at him and throwing him out of her room!

The bluenette's anger was still radiating from his body as he walks down the hallway, barely restraining himself from keeping his promise to Luke, but he had something to do first.

Taking a breath to calm himself, Karou knocks on Kem's office door, waiting for a response.

"Come in!"

Opening the door, the samurai leans against the door and closes his eyes, still struggling to stay cool, and Kem says, "Hello, Kanda. What may I do for you?"

"I have proof."

"Pardon?"

Opening his eyes, Karou stares at the scientist, "I told you that Lavi was abusing Allen, and I just witnessed it."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"I'm sorry, Lavi! I really wasn't―!"

"Shut up!" he shouts, ignoring my screams of pain as he whips my bare back. After Kanda had left, the redhead had tied my hands to the bedpost while I crouched on my knees, and apparently, the whip he had used on me had been hidden under my bed without me knowing.

The long strip of leather struck my back, eliciting another screech from me, but it didn't help as he hit me again and again. Hot, sticky blood ran down my spine, and I quietly beg, "Please…please, stop―AHH!"

The whip cuts off my plea, this time horizontally across my forehead, and Lavi leans down to my ear, whispering, "Don't tell me you don't like it. You love it. You love being treated as the trash you are. Kanda can't give you this much pleasure."

The leather strikes me again on my lower back, and I scream at the top of my lungs, cut off by another flogging. Lavi yells at me, "Say it!"

"I-I like it!"

"Like you mean it!"

Blood drips off my eyelashes, mixing with the tears streaming down my face, and I cry, "I like it! I want more, Lavi! Please, give me more!"

"That's right. Beg! Beg like the disgusting ho you are!" he shouts sadistically, laughing at me as I scream in pain.

Eventually, I feel myself becoming dizzy, the pain fading slightly, and Lavi's voice seems to echo in my head. Slumping forward, I let out a ragged breath, and I hardly hear the bang that resonates around the room.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

"Hurry up! Who knows what Lavi's probably doing to him!" Karou demands, running through the halls with Kem, Lila, River, and several other people from the science division. The bluenette couldn't shrug off the dreadful feeling that something bad was about to happen, but he didn't want to think about it. _Get there, Kanda. Just get there._

A scream echoes through the hall as the group nears Ally's room, and Karou speeds up, knowing she was enduring something awful.

Ten feet.

Six feet.

Three feet.

One foot.

"Allen?!" he shouts as he slams through the door, eyes widening in horror at what he saw before him. Luke had a whip covered in blood in his hand, smiling sadistically.

Ally had dozens, maybe hundreds, of lacerations on her back, blood flowing heavily down her spine while she cried in misery, eyes squeezed shut.

"You!" Karou yells, throwing himself into Luke hard, and he rammed him against the blood-spattered wall. Fury and love for the whitette tied to the bedpost welled up inside the samurai, and he drove his fist into the redhead's face over and over.

"Kanda, stop!" Lila cries, pulling Karou off of the now half-unconscious teen. Staring at the beating the bluenette had given him, Karou growled in hatred, cursing under his breath, and he turned toward Ally. She was unconscious, head lolling off to the side while Kem and River tried to untie her from the bedpost, and the others pressed towels, blankets, or whatever they could find to her back, desperately trying to stop the bleeding.

The bluenette froze, staring at the girl in disbelief. How could she let someone do this to her?

Once they got her untied, the team began to move her to River's back, but Karou jumped in between them, growling, and they didn't need anything more to place her in the samurai's arms. Protectiveness emanated from Karou as he ran towards the infirmary, trying his best not to jolt Ally, and everyone couldn't help but stare at how he was acting towards the whitette he was supposed to hate. Not that they didn't suspect this from the beginning.

Once they burst through the doors, the nurses had already prepared a bed for Ally, and Karou carefully laid her in the bed like he was placing million dollar piece of china into a bed of nails.

People were dashing around frantically, fetching water, gauze, and anything else needed. But as the bluenette quickly a wet a towel to help clean her of the blood, a nurse yelled, "Head Nurse, he's going into cardiac arrest!"

Karou's eyes widened as he and several others were jostled out of the vicinity of Ally's bed, but as this happened, he heard the sound of electricity, and when he looked over the shoulder of the person shoving him, he saw the nurses press the paddles to the whitette's chest before a cloth was pulled around the bed, blocking the view of the girl.

"Again!"

The bluenette stiffened, hearing the sound of the shocks over and over, and a woman repeatedly said, "Again!"

He paced, tears threatening to spill over in front of at least twenty people. Lila was on the floor, sobbing while her brother desperately tried to comfort her, but he just made things worse.

 _If Allen dies, I'll kill Lavi. I swear it!_ Karou screamed inside his mind, praying that he would hear the magical words he wanted so much.

"Again!"

Why couldn't he have been there? He shouldn't have let Ally kick him out of her room, leaving her alone with Luke. He shouldn't have let her say "yes" those few months ago and allow her to go through the nightmare she's been enduring. If she dies….

 _If he dies, it'll be my fault,_ he thought somberly, trying to get his head back to the fact that he shouldn't be thinking about what would happen if she died. She'll live. She had to live.

"Again!"

The stupid word stabbed Karou through his soul, tearing it open and letting all his emotions pour out of him. Thorns and barbed wire coiled around him, crushing and ripping him apart internally, and as he silently screamed for Ally's heart to begin beating again, that cursed word kept tightening the painful hold on him until he thought he would shatter into a million pieces.

"Is he back?"

The rest of the hearts in the room stopped as everyone awaited the answer, Karou hardly holding himself together.

"He's back."

Everyone exhaled in unison, but the cloth didn't move. One of the nurses came out from around it, and she said, "Thank you for your help, but I think it's better for you all to leave and come back later."

Most the people nodded, following the request, and after Lila was ushered out by her brother, the nurse turned to Karou, "We ask that you please―"

"No, I'm staying. I'm not leaving him again," he growled threateningly, glaring at the woman, but when she was about to object, he repeats, "I'm _not_ leaving."

After a moment, she nods, pointing him in the direction of more gauze.

Karou did more than a lot of the nurses did, cleaning most of Ally's wounds because the nurses knew he'd done it before, but this time he didn't take care of the stitches. There were over two dozen, and he wasn't that great with using a needle.

Which leads to now, the bluenette running his fingers through his damp hair while he balances a book on his leg.

Rain pelted down on the roof, and Karou glanced out the windows near the top of the tall ceiling, water running down the panes quickly. Looking back at the whitette breathing softly in the hospital bed, he stands, taking the white cloth off her head, and he walked towards the door on the other side of the large room. When he got there, he opened it, the rain coming down relatively hard, but even so, he stepped out under the overhang, sticking his hand with the cloth in it into the downpour.

When it was completely soaked, the bluenette squeezed out the extra and brought it to Ally's bed, sitting again, and he silently ran the cloth over her face. The part that didn't have gauze on it, that is.

"Why did you do this to yourself?" he whispered, leaning down to kiss the tip of the whitette's nose. "Why wouldn't you let me help you before this happened?"

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

When I woke up, I could feel a wet cloth being run over my face, but I didn't open my eyes. It was obviously raining pretty hard outside, the sound of water pounding the roof echoing in my ears soothingly.

"Why did you do this to yourself?" someone says beside me, and I instantly know it's Kanda from the voice, the suspicion confirmed when he pressed his lips to the end of my nose.

"Why wouldn't you let me help you before this happened?" he continued quietly, the cloth withdrawn from my skin.

Opening my eyes and smiling weakly, I glance over at him, surprising him slightly, but I say anyways, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, Yu. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

"That's the Aren I was waiting to hear," he replies, reaching out to stroke my hair. Leaning into the touch, I find myself missing the name I used to hate so much, always remembering when he said he gave me a cute nickname. Smiling, I murmur, "It's Moyashi."

"My Moyashi," he says, nodding. Then Kanda looks down, expression becoming somber.

"What is it?" I ask worriedly.

"You almost died. I thought you were going to die," he whispered, still not looking at me as his voice cracked.

"I've survived worse," I try to reassure. When the bluenette finally glances up at me, I see the shimmer of tears in his eyes, not to mention the drops running down his cheeks, and he says, "Your heart stopped. You really did die for a minute."

Reaching for him, I wipe away the tears, "I'm here now. I'm not going to die."

"Will you break-up with Lavi?"

At that, I hesitate, thinking this over thoroughly before nodding, "Okay."

"Good, because he has to live at the North American Branch from now on. He can't get near you anymore," Kanda said, giving me a chaste kiss on my cheek, but I wrap my aching arms around his neck, holding him there. Raising an eyebrow at me, he asks, "Yes?"

"Kiss me?" I whimper embarrassedly, staring at his neck instead of his face. Smirking, he replies, "I just did."

Frowning in frustration, I pull him closer to the point where he has to hold himself over me with his elbows on either side of my head, and he stares into my eyes, looking slightly caught off guard by my movements. Continuing to toy with me, Kanda placed his index finger on my bottom lips, and I part them expectantly, waiting for him to kiss me.

His lips come down on mine softly, moving gently as if I'd break otherwise, but I push against him harder in a false display of trying gain dominance. My technique works well, and I purr as the samurai pushes me back, slipping his tongue into my mouth. This was the way I liked to be treated. I wanted to be submissive to someone who would love me because dominance is different depending on who it is, and I've learned that. Lavi's version of it was that he would hurt me to feel power. But Kanda demands submission through his actions, but at the same time, I'm not treated like a slave of any sort.

Let him be my master. But I will never be his slave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: Okay, so there is one more chapter left, followed by a really long author note as a chapter. Next is set a year later, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R!


	20. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I owned DGM, I would have made more missions with Allen and Kanda together.

"Hey, Yu?" I ask, cheek to his wet chest, and he stopped splashing water over our bodies.

"What is it?" he asked, arms now around me protectively. Smiling, I continue, "Do you have any regrets?"

The bluenette paused, seeming to be pondering, and after a minute, he says, "Yes. I wish I wouldn't have left you with Lavi that night he nearly killed you, and after it happened, I wish I would have killed him."

"Yu! That's a little much!" I say accusingly, glancing up at him. He didn't seem fazed by anything he had said, and he calmly asks, "What about you?"

"Nothing," I say quietly. "I ended up here, so it doesn't bother me. I don't think I would have regretted anything if my heart never started again when it stopped."

"I guess your right…."

Neither of us says anything until Kanda suggests we go to dinner.

"I'm not starving myself anymore, you know. You don't have to monitor me like I'm a child," I say, my fingers intertwined with Kanda's as we walk to the cafeteria.

"True, but I don't like to take chances," he replies. We go into the cafeteria, and after we get our food, we sit at a table near the back of the room. Kanda seemed happy when I started inhaling my food, but I didn't mention it, quickly finishing my two dozen plates while the bluenette was only halfway through his bowl of soba. Smirking when he was done, Kanda said, "Come with me."

"Why? What is it?" I ask once we had taken care of our plates. Leading me toward the training rooms, he said, "It's a surprise."

Pouting, I plea, "Please, Yu? Please?!"

"Nope," he said as we walk into the training room we use. While we walked, I was too preoccupied with trying to figure out what the surprise was that I totally missed it. But when Kanda opened the door, I smiled, watching the rain pour from the sky.

"Are you going to dance with me?" I ask excitedly as I run out into the shower, instantly drenched, but I didn't care, spinning around and around.

"If I must," my boyfriend agreed, stepping out into the downpour with me, and I grab his wet hand, pulling him to my body.

"Do you know how to dance in the rain?" I ask playfully, placing one of my hands on his shoulder and putting the other one forward with his. He places his other hand on my hip, shaking his head, and I smile, "We just dance normally, but I'm going to sing one of my favorite songs while we do."

"And what song might that be?"

"'All I Really Want' by Alanis Morissette."

Taking a breath, I begin singing as Kanda starts to lead us, "Do I stress you out? My shirt is on backwards and inside out, and you say how appropriate."

The bluenette quickly finds that the pace he set was too slow for the song, speeding us up, and I continue, "I don't want to dissect everything today. I don't mean to pick you apart, you see, but I can't help it."

Kanda spins me around twice, smiling because my singing became slightly off pitch when I was dizzy.

"And there I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off. Slap me with a splintered ruler."

The samurai gives me an odd look, but he says nothing, taking several steps back then forward.

"And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already. If only I could hunt the hunter.

"And all I really want is some patience. A way to calm the angry voice."

Stopping, Kanda wraps an arm around me before twirling me out, clutching my hand to stop me from falling, and he brings me back to him, resuming the quick steps.

"And all I really want is deliverance.

"Do I wear you out? You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung-out. I'm consumed by the chill of solitary."

I giggle childishly as Kanda picks me up, spinning quickly before setting me down.

"I'm like Estella. I like to reel it in and then spit it out. I'm frustrated by your apathy."

Smiling, I quickly pull out Kanda's hair tie, tossing it towards the training room, but he doesn't seem to mind.

"And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land. If only I could meet the Maker. And I am fascinated by the spiritual man. I'm humbled by his humble nature.

"And what I wouldn't give to find a soul mate. Someone else to catch this drift. And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred."

Kanda spins me again quickly, giving me a kiss on the cheek before he resumes leading me.

"Enough about me. Let's talk about you for a minute. Enough about you. Let's talk about life for a while. The conflicts, the craziness, and the sound of pretenses falling all around. All around.

"Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can you handle this?"

We stop for about three seconds, the only sound being the pouring rain, and then Kanda starts stepping again.

"Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines, or when you think you're gonna die? Or did you long for the next distraction?

"And all I need now is intellectual intercourse. A soul to dig the hole much deeper. And I have no concept of time other than it is flying. If only I could kill the killer."

My hair is soaked, water dripping off my nose, cheeks, and chin, and it was the same for Kanda, but I was having so much fun that I didn't care.

"And all I really want is some peace, man. A place to find a common ground. And all I really want is a wavelength. And all I really want is some comfort. A way to get my hands untied. And all I really want is some justice."

"You can sing pretty well," Kanda comments, holding my hands in each of his. Smiling, I say, "I sound like a mule compared to you, and everyone knows it."

Shaking his head, he says, "No, they don't because the only one that's heard me sing is you."

"Well, you should start singing in front of people."

"No, that would imply that I care for others."

"What about me?" I whimper, pouting. Smirking, he leans down until I can feel his breath on my lips, and he murmurs, "You are the exception."

"Normally, I would say I've been an exception too many times, but I like being one this time," I reply. I was about to kiss him when I heard, "Allen! Kanda!"

Glancing to the side, Kanda glares at the pigtailed girl in the doorway, "What?"

"Someone's here to see Allen, and he'll only be here a few hours, so you need to come immediately," Lenalee responded, turning quickly. "He's in here!"

"Someone to see me?" I wonder aloud, beginning to walk towards the training room with Kanda. When we step in, the bluenette sees the visitor before I do and jumps in front of me, blocking the person from my view.

"Yu, what…?" I ask, and for the first time in a year, I feel an almost murderous aura surrounding him.

"Get your filthy self out of here before I decide to actually kill you this time," Kanda growled threateningly. When the person speaks, I already knew who it was, and the voice confirmed it, "Look, I know I did some awful things to Allen, but I've been getting therapy, and I really want to apologize to him."

A mix between a chuckle and growl escaped my boyfriend, "Do you really think I'm letting you anywhere even close to him? He's mine now, and I'll protect him with everything I have, unlike you."

"Yu, I'm fine," I say, stepping around him to look at Lavi. He wasn't wearing his bandana, and he was wearing his uniform, emphasizing that he was still an exorcist.

"Allen," Kanda said, both arms wrapped around my shoulders to hold me back. Lavi stared at us as the samurai whispered in my ear, "Are you sure about this?"

Nodding, I say, "I'll be okay. It's been a year, and besides, everyone deserves a second chance."

"Not after he abused you the way he did, not to mention that he nearly killed you!" Kanda said, running a hand over the front of my neck. My eyes widen with fear, jumping away from him, and without thinking, I kick him hard in the stomach. He falls back onto his rear, coughing and clutching his pained stomach.

"I'm sorry! I-I-I…" I apologize, dropping down on my knees next to him with my head down. Tears of regret welling in my eyes, I say, "Y-You know that I…."

Putting his hand over mine, Kanda says, "I knew full-well that you'd do that. He made you like this. It's been a year, and you still attack me sometimes when I touch you."

"I know, but I just want to let him apologize if he wants to," I say, glancing over my shoulder at the redhead, and it was clear that he was feeling guilty.

Standing, I help Kanda to his feet, telling him to stay there, and I walk towards Lavi, smiling. When I get to be in front of him, he bows, "I'm very sorry about what I did to you. There is absolutely no excuse for the awful things I did and how much pain I caused. I know that I can never make up for it, but I just wanted to apologize."

Nodding, I take him by the shoulders, straightening him, and I say, "I'm glad that you apologized and realized that there is nothing you can do to truly make up for it. I've long since forgotten, but there's no way that I'll be able to trust you ever again, and I think it's better that we just don't see each other. Actually, it's Yu that you need to worry about because he might follow through with some of his threats."

"He wouldn't be Kanda if he didn't," Lavi said. "I really hope that the two of you will be together forever, and I know that he'll treat you so much better than I ever did."

"Dang straight," Kanda growled from behind me, obviously still not happy with me being so close to the redhead. Smiling a smile that was clearly strained, Lavi bowed again and turned toward the exit, walking around the corner.

"Baka Usagi, does he really think that he can make up for what he did just like that?" Kanda muttered, leading me towards my room.

Even though he didn't move in to my room, he had several changes of clothes in there, and he spent most of his time there with me. I don't blame him with as dreary as his room is.

We take a quick shower before settling in for the night. Well, Kanda does, but at the moment, I was just staring at the mirror in my bathroom. The words that continuously made me feel joy danced on the glass, singing that I had purpose.

Smiling, I walk into the bedroom, turning out the lights, and I sit on the bed next to Kanda in the darkness.

"Took you long enough," he murmured amusedly as I slithered under the blankets and into his arms, staring up at the ceiling above us. After a moment, I say, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"You saved me from everything," I whisper, tears finally beginning to fall. This immediately gets his attention, and Kanda holds me tighter, "It's okay. Lavi can't hurt you anymore."

"I don't mean Lavi," I say, frustrated by his confusion.

"Then what is it?"

If I show him, will he hate me? If I show him, will he leave? If I show him, will he think I'm crazy? Taking a breath, I reach under the corner of the mattress, turning on the lamp in the process, and I squint at the sudden lighting change as I find the piece of paper I was looking for. Unfolding it, I read over the words silently.

**_She paints a pretty picture,_ **

**_But the story has a twist._ **

**_Her paintbrush is a razor,_ **

**_And her canvas is her wrist._ **

**_She paints her pretty picture,_ **

**_In a color that's blood red._ **

**_While using her sharp paintbrush,_ **

**_She finally ends up dead._ **

**_Her pretty picture's fading,_ **

**_Quite slowly on her arm._ **

**_The blood is no longer racing though her,_ **

**_She can no longer do harm._ **

**_She painted her pretty picture,_ **

**_But the story had a twist._ **

**_Her mind was her razor,_ **

**_And her heart was her wrist._ **

_And with scars on her hips,_

_Scars on her thighs,_

_Eyes full of hurt,_

_She dies with a mouth full of lies._

_Haha, isn't so cute that you think I'm okay? Every day, just remember: A cut a day keeps the depression away. Love, Allen._

Handing the paper to Kanda, I say, "I was still thinking about it for months, but we weren't this close, so you never checked my ankles."

"What does it take to get through to you?" he asked, staring at the page.

"I just figured I'd show you that. It's funny. I'm not really sure when the thought of suicide went from 'how' to 'when'," I say.

"Will you do something for me, Allen?" Kanda asked after a moment. Nodding, I ask, "What is it?"

Glancing at me, he continued, "Will you show me all the places you've cut?"

"Why?"

"Please?"

Uncertainly, I step off the bed, removing his shirt that I always slept in and my sweatpants, and I sit back down, waiting for him to do something. Maybe I expected him to be grossed out, but he wasn't.

As he stared at all my scars, I say, "I don't anymore, but it's not something that you can just stop. It takes so much willpower not to cut when something goes wrong."

Not replying, he leans forward, taking my right arm in his hand, and he gently kisses the skin all the way up my arm. That's when I remember something I read once.

_Marry the man who will kiss your scars._

I smile as he continues to my thighs, hesitantly pressing his lips to the flesh in case I wasn't comfortable with it. Don't get me wrong, there's no way Kanda understands it. He can't until he cuts himself and feels the numbness wash over him, but he still knows how to make me feel like I'm worth something.

The bluenette kisses the scars on each of my ankles tenderly before moving back to my side, giving me a chaste kiss on the cheek. Tears were spilling from my eyes, but I ignore them as I turn out the light, my suicide note crumpled in the corner, and I straddle Kanda, clashing our lips together.

When we break apart, he asks, "What was that for?"

"I want to," I reply.

"Want to what?"

Taking a breath, I look into his cobalt eyes illuminated by the moonlight pouring into the room through my window, and I say, "I want to go all the way. With you."

Shaking his head, he says, "No, I don't want you to feel like you have to after I did that. I want to wait until you're one-hundred percent ready."

"I am, Yu. I really am," I press. "Unless…you don't want to…."

Sitting up, Kanda says, "No, I do! I really, really do, but I'll love you regardless of whether or not you have sex with me."

Since he wasn't trying to hide his emotions in his eyes anymore, I find all the answers I need in his sapphire orbs. "You're scared. You think that you'll hurt me like Lavi did, and if you do, I'll have some sort of meltdown and hurt myself or never trust you again."

He opens his mouth to protest, but he quickly closes it, looking off to the side, and I know I've hit home.

"Listen to me. I'm ready, but only if you're ready to forget the past," I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I want to be marked forever yours."

"Okay," he says, kissing me.

_If water was a kiss, I'd send you the sea. If a hug was a leaf, I'd send you a tree. If love was forever, I'd send you eternity. –K. Martins_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: So emotional! The last chapter of Bruise! Well, technically, it's not, but the next chapter is an A/N that I encourage all of you to read. And please, Please, PLEASE R/R!   
> By the way, the bolded part of Allen's note does not belong to me. I found it online; not trying to plagiarize!


	21. Help

Fact: one in two-hundred girls between the ages of thirteen and nineteen cut, have tried cutting, or will cut. Most people will say, "Oh, that's not a lot."

How many friends do you have? Two? Ten? Fifty?

How many people are in your grade? A hundred? Two-hundred?

How many people are in your school? Five-hundred? A thousand? Even more?

It's not like it's as common as, say, teen drinking. And yes, it's also a problem, but for the sake of this fanfiction, I'm focusing on cutting, eating disorders, and abuse.

Fact: every eighteen minutes, someone commits suicide. It's attempted every forty-three seconds.

Fact: one in for women experience domestic violence in their lifetime.

How many female teachers or superiors do you have? None? Twelve? Sixty?

Fact: eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any illness.

Would you notice if someone around you starved themselves? Or purged?

Fact: I've had over seventeen thousand people view this fanfiction.

How many of these people do you think cut, are victims of partner abuse, or has an eating disorder?

True, maybe these issues are everywhere, but they can be very hard to notice.

"Wait, I don't see any cuts."

"Moron, I'm not going to cut where you can see them."

They only check wrists, no thighs.

Have you ever sat in class and heard someone crack a joke about these things? Do you know how many people who endure this hear it, too? That's why they don't get help.

Granted, there are plenty more reasons. Cutters a lot of times feel worthless and unappreciated. Many are bullied or are abused at home. Some have perfect lives, but it's so perfect, they feel like they're numb and need something to feel alive.

Victims of domestic violence go through things like Allen did. "Oh, I'm so sorry! It'll never happen again. Here are some roses."

Maybe they have children, and their abuser says that they'll hurt the kids or gain custody if they go to court.

People with eating disorders often feel fat and imperfect. They diet, but it never works. A friend mentions this new way of weight loss that's so simple that it'd be a crime not to try it. Well, guess what?

Now, I've never gone through these things, but since I feel like I should, I'll tell you what's happened to me.

I have a great life. My parents are together and love each other. I have a couple best friends that love me. If I have problems, I can lean on these people or my youth group for support.

About two years, I lost my third best friend to popularity, something I now despise. I felt like something was wrong with me even though I was an extremely lucky child. Sometimes, I would contemplate suicide. Thinking back now, I'm not really sure if I meant it or not, but I know that I cried myself to sleep several times.

I'm a Christian, so I had a youth group I had just started going to, and one night after our small groups, I was throwing random, squishy object at other people (don't ask), and I saw a whiteboard. This was apparently what the high school students had done in small group.

At the top, it read "Questions the Bible Doesn't Answer". This perked my interest, and my eyes went right to the question in the middle.

"If someone who's been saved commits suicide, do they still go to heaven?"

Again, I'm not sure whether I'd still be here if I hadn't seen that, but either way, I know that I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't have taken an interest.

I'm also overweight. Not as much anymore, but enough that the thought of skinny jeans makes me cringe and I have to wear plus sizes. At the beginning of my seventh grade year, I stopped eating lunch because I had just started having my period, and my appetite dropped majorly. So I would eat breakfast and dinner, but not lunch.

It didn't bother me until later. Since July, I'd lost about thirty pounds, which with my lack of exercise was apparently an unhealthy weight loss. Anyways, I got my appetite back, but I didn't eat at lunch very often.

_FOR THE RECORD, THIS A/N WAS NOT SO I COULD ASK FOR IMPUT OR BLAB ABOUT MY WEIGHT._

If you cut, tell someone. Get help. A few helpful websites are: www helpguide org, www revcoveryourlife com, www adolescentselfinjuryfoundation com

If you are abused, get away and tell the police. A few helpful websites are: www thehotline org, www domesticviolence org, www shelterhousenwfl org

If you have an eating disorder, tell someone. Get help. A few helpful websites are: www anad org, www eatingdisordersanonymous org, www allianceforeatingdisorders com

Now for those who are Christians, I just want to say that in First Corinthians, Paul refers to a saved person's body as the Temple of God. Your body is the Temple of God, and you have the Holy Spirit living inside you. God doesn't make mistakes.

I pray every night for those that need help, and if you have requests or need help, please tell me in a review or private message. Even a simple "Prayer" will help so I can pray for you in particular, and hopefully others, too. I'm hoping to make a list and take it to youth.

Please, if you're in pain for any of these reasons, _get help_! There are people who care for you, even if you think you're alone. God bless you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Author Note: So? How was it? Any good? Tell me what you think, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R!   
> Song used: “Facedown”-Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.


End file.
